do i quit or what?

Question

I cant stand my husband....at all. He pushed me away so long and chose his family over me for so many years. I finally gave up .Now that he is really trying, i feel it is too late. We have 3 children, (2 are my step sons) and i am often excluded from making decisions as it pertains to my stepsons (he usually runs to his parents for that) . The ONLY reason i stay is because i have invested so much into this and could not stand another woman reaping the benefits..... we argue more every day..he hasnt worked but nine months combined in the years weve been together,,im tired of that too..he is still depends way too much on his parents....hate that..i know this is not the place to ask such serious stuff but entertain me okay????????am i doing him an injustice by staying?as i said he has changed a lot, but has a long way to go.......

Answer 1

Don't quit!

Like you said, you've worked just too hard to let some other woman come in there and reap the benefits! You should stay and try your best to do whatever you can to stick it out with your husband.

Maybe you two should try marriage counseling. Have you tried praying together or reading the bible together? I know it may not sound like fun or the solution, but you'd be surprised as to what can come out of just sitting down and discussing spiritual and religious matters together.

Take time together. Maybe this is the perfect time for you two to get away for the weekend or week even, and just talk and enjoy each other's company as much as you can.

Hope this helped ya and wish ya the best! ♥

Answer 2

My, what a dilema you have here. Its a tough thing to come to a decision on. I can understand your not wanting to leave because of the "investment". Its funny but I was in a similar situation...well actually still am.....and that was a major reason for me as well. Too much time and money tied up in the material things, let alone a forthcoming pension that 50% would be lost if I left.

Of course the lack of communication is the coup de grace. Once that fails and constant bickering and arguing takes place its a signal that the end could be around the corner. I find it rather unusual that the in-laws make the decision regarding the step-kids. If they're living under your roof I'm of the school that your input is valued and solicited because they're in your life on a daily basis. Shame on your husband for not seeing it this way. I also have to say that just the fact he's worked 9 lousy months speaks volumes and his further dependence upon his parents is a sign of a weak and unsure individual. Just why he hasn't held you closer as a lover, confidant and best friend would no doubt take a psychologist to analyze.
My situation was rather different than yours in some respects with the dilema being should I leave for someone else? Recent events (though heartbreaking for me) brought me back to concentrate on the relationship and things seem to be on the mend. So perhaps it'll work for you.
I'm afraid that this is the best i can offer and hope that things pan out for you.
As far as an "injustice" goes..well..perhaps to you. I don't know how old you are nor do I know how long you've been married or in this relationship. Depending upon your age time may be running out. You've stated that he's changing but it's slow going. How slow? Of course things that have been going on this long will not change overnight. Or it's an unreasonable expectation for them to do so that quickly. But if you DO see some change than it means you see some redeeming quality here that ever-so-slightly appears to be restoring some faith that things may do a 180.
So has sitting down and trying to open a new line of communications worked? Or have you tried this yet? I'd suggest that if you think there may be some chance to salvage this than stick with it. Only you can really be the judge as to how long you plan to let this ride before you either extend the deadline or pull the plug.

Answer 3

I think there's a part of you that wants to make this work, but you just don't know how with all the baggage that's built up over the years. You're obvioulsy hurt by his actions and who can blame you. So, my question is this - are you wanting to hear that you should make it work, or are you want a bunch of stangers to tell you it's ok to leave?

The thing here is despite what any of us say, it's still your decision. Personally, I believe divorce should be a last resort. You say you have a lot invested in this relationship and that he's finally trying. I would suggest seeing a marriage counselor first to see if you can piece together your marriage again. Make your demands clean - if you want him to get a job - then he needs to get a job. But, first and foremost, he DOES need to cut the apron strings with mommy and daddy! You're married to him, not them. You are his family too and his children's. They need to respect you and listen to you - not run to daddy or grandma and grandpa. You're a family. Decisions are made between you and your husband and no private business needs to be discussed with his parents. Make a list and talk to him about it, but difintely consider counseling, I think it'll help get everything out on the table for the two of you.

Answer 4

You have NO RIGHT to complain!!!!

You, and no one else, chose him, a mommas boy, to be your husband, and then you chose HIM to be the father of your children.

I realize this isn't very sympathetic, but I am, I truly am, but I believe that people should take responsibility for their actions. He has not changed, this is who he is and always has been. But you chose to overlook these qualities and bind your life to him, probably hoping that he would change or that you could change him, but that was not realistic, and these are the repercussions.

If you buy a dog when you really wanted a cat, you wouldn't curse the dog for not being a cat... If you married a boy, then you have no right to be mad at him when he turns out to be a boy.

What ever you do, you'll do, but take responsibility for your part in this mess because you played a roll in it too. If you don't you'll end up just doing it again.

Answer 5

There are no benefits. Your man is who he is and the only reason he is trying is because he sees that you have given up. If he were to get with some other woman he would treat her the same way he treated you. And she can have that headache. You are doing an injustice to yourself by staying in a relationship that doesn't make you happy.

Answer 6

The question you should be asking is are you doing yourself an injustice by staying with him. How can you be happy in your life when you live it with someone you don't like, much less love? I hope you aren't thinking that you're as happy as you can expect to be in life because everyone can always be happier if they do what they have to to change their lives. Change isn't so scary. I don't understand how there can be much benefits with a man that hasn't really worked, unless he's independently wealthy. I honestly think that if you want a complete answer we need more details on what these benefits you have are. Because otherwise it sounds like you're like you're living in this dreary life.

Answer 7

If you want to try to work it out, I think you'd benefit from couples counseling. He needs to hear that it's time to grow up and stop running to his parents and that's something the therapist would tell him but then it will be coming from a neutral source and not directly from you (who knows him). The therapist would work with both of you but you both have to be willing to stick it through. That's something you have to decide for yourself first. I personally think it might be worth a try. It seems so many people just split up and not work out the problems anymore and there are more issues when the people move on to other relationships because nothing was ever resolved. Good luck with whatever you decide!

Answer 8

well now..............if this man has only worked 9 months in years then isn't it true YOU have been the bread winner? How could you have gained so much without his help? Does he get a trust fund or what? I'm confused on why you say another woman would reap the "benifits"............what benifits?

IF you were the bread winner, say good riddens to him and the stepsons and have their belongings out on the lawn. let them run to mommy!

Answer 9

If he is "really trying" now, I don't see this as the time to quit. You stay so that some other woman doesn't reap the benefits? This is a very unhealthy attitude.

You need to be honest about whether or not this can be saved. If it can, please do, for the sake of all involved.

Answer 10

"the only reason i stay is because i have invested so much into this and could not stand another woman reaping the benefits"....

they have a word for that and it rhymes with Witch.

If you quit, you'll be doing him a big favor. You sound like the type of woman who is rarely happy, and makes her man feel like he's never "good enough" no matter what he does.....