Single Parent- after a bad divorce.. Discussions with kids?

Question

Been divorced (seems like yesterday) 3 years. My kids are in their older teens..and I wish that I could say that relations between my ex and I were good...but we remain at tremendous odds. (We can talk about matters of emergency- or the quick "what time will you be here? " and the like...but, especially college money matters, BAM!) Probably due to the bitterness of a break-up of a long marriage (after struggling through getting him to be successful, and then he leaves for a younger woman whom he had an affair/baby with)...but that's water under the bridge.

My question is this... Is there a good/healthy reason to talk to your kids about how you DID once love their other parent dearly? (For example, when you were young). If it ever comes up it sounds SO fake (even though it wasn't). They know how we are now (they lived through the divorce).

Yet, I know that (in couples that ARE together) it's good for children to see/know their parents love each other.

What do you think?

Answer 1

I don't talk to my kids much about the divorce from their Mother, but they were almost all grown when it happened, and could see for themselves and understand. I never run their Mother down, or criticize her in front of them. We had OUR problems, but it was not THEIR problems. Kids are smart, so I think the less said, the better. If they come to you and ask questions, by all means answer them, but I would not volunteer too much information.

Answer 2

With your kids in their older teens, a reason to talk may not come up because it's not needed. They are probably old enough to see what has happened, and have already drawn their own lessons from it.

If you still feel that it's important for you to talk about it, be careful no to be too negative about the outcome of the marriage, but look for parallels in their relationships, and bring up the subject that way. Then, let it rest. If they want to know more, they will ask. There is no need for you to pull up memories of a distant past...they know it wasn't always this way.

It's also quite possible that they will tend to avoid conversations like that for fear of being drawn into the middle of it.

By now, they have probably experienced their own break-ups, and witnessed their friends deal with ended relationships. This is just another part of life, relationships do change, and sometimes end. Good Luck.

Answer 3

Y ou never forget the bad things that your ex did or is still doing to you. No matter how much you would like to. My best advice is to keep the kids out of it. In the long run the ones that get hurt the most are the kids. This doesn't mean that you should put up with this person giving u a lot of greaf. U diserve better than that. Try to find someone to talk to so you can get your feelings out into the world and off your chest. You will feel a lot better

Answer 4

I am recently divorced, only for about 8 months so I'm not sure this will help but here goes.....My ex and I had anything but an amicable separation and divorce. Only in the past month have we been able to put our feelings aside for those of our children, ages 15 and 11. I did this after my daughter,11, looked at me and with wisdom beyond her age said, I know how much you loved daddy and how much he loved you cause you made me, and I know how much I love you both. That was the kicker. I think kids no matter what age always hope their parents will get back together, just the way it is. No one, adult or child, wants to believe they weren't conceived in love. Hope it helps......Make sure you're over it and that it really is water under the bridge.....

Answer 5

I can only answer this as a divorced parent of younger children. But what I can say is this, if the question comes up, answer honestly. You say they are in their older teens, that leads me to believe they did see you and your ex in a good situation. Remind them of that. They remember more than you realize. Just be honest and tell them that you did love their father, that things changed. They probably understand this more than anything.

Answer 6

Do not be negative about your ex. You could let your kids know that if they have any questions on the matter you would be happy to answer them and leave it at that. No matter what he is still their father and they still have feelings for him. It took 6 years before my daughter would talk to her mother again after she left. Then when my daughter had her baby she picked my new wife and I to be in the room with her, naturally her husband also. She told her mom to wait in the waiting room. If your children ask above all be honest with them. You might also encourage them to talk with their father also. Do not get caught in the but he said game they may be trying to play one against the other.

Answer 7

First of all, you're not fooling anyone with the "water under the bridge" line regarding your ex leaving you for another woman and having a child. If I can read the resentment, then your kids can definately feel it.

Maybe that is where your "fake" feeling comes from?

I divorced my boys' dad two years ago, my boys are also in their teens. If you really want to help them....read the book "The proper care and feeding of husbands". I know you don't have a husband now, but trust me, a good, hard look at how to treat a man will help you come to terms with why you got divorced.

Right now, you're in the "blame" mode, which adds to your anger and resentment....(I am speaking from experience). If you read the book and even realize ONE point where you were lacking as a wife, you will come to terms easier with what happened and your hostility will ease some.

I read this book, and now, even money isn't a real issue with my ex.

If you are unwilling to read the book, focus on the good things about your ex.......it will be hard to do, but do it anyway. Write them down if you have to (to remind yourself) and only talk to your kids about the good things.

In all honesty, if you're unwilling to look at the divorce as a 50/50 responsibility, you're going to seriously mess your kids up. Your husband left you.....but there were reasons why, and you need to take some responsibility for that.

THOSE are the things you need to talk to them about in the future.

Instead of...."your dad did this, that and the other thing" (unless you have idiots, they can see the younger woman and kid)....you need to say "I" "could'a, should'a, would'a"......

You talking about thier dad in a negative way is your way (selfish) of rubbing their dads nose in his mistakes, but you're taking it out on your kids.

I know you're hurting.....but you're not doing them, or yourself any favors by not learning to forgive.

Answer 8

I think you should let them know that you did at one time love each other. I know when I was a kid and went through it i wanted to know and when I asked my mother told me she did love my father and my father said the same but their differences were tearing them apart. Don't get into detail b/c they don't want that burden and it may change the way they look at the parent(s).
Try your best to be fair with the other parent and see things from their view and remember every kid wants the love from both parents so don't bash each other in front of you kids. My parents now can be around each other when we have family functions(b-day parties or other holidays us kids have at our house) remember to let the past be the past.

Answer 9

I would only bring it up IF the kids want to know. Other wise it doesn't matter. Why discuss something to them if they didn't ask about it? That wouldn't make sense to me anyways. Be sincere if the ex (their father) is brought up by them but be brief and okay about it too. I know what you are going through. My X is a prick and the sad part is he knows it. But good luck to you and your children. As a divorced happy mom myself I understand.

Answer 10

This is a long answer but I think it will help you.

It is extremely important that your children know the truth. They're in their late teens so they are definitely old enough to hear what happened. Now when I say "truth", I'm not talking about a one-sided version (although you don't strike me as the type of person who would purposely attempt to turn your children against their father). I see divorced couples on a regular basis manipulating their children into taking their side(s). What I'm talking about is you giving them a detailed, honest, non-biased account on everything that happened. Believe me, the truth will be enough for your children to draw the right conclusions and decide for themselves who was in the wrong and who was not.

Now I'm almost 100% sure you still harbor some ill will towards your ex-husband for leaving you for another woman whether you know it or not. It's only been 3 years and what he did to you was classless, and very cowardly. I know you don't want to hear this and you may get a little upset but I don't believe for one second that it's "water under the bridge." I could be wrong, but if I'm not I'm telling you right now it's perfectly normal and its' okay. You still have the right to be pissed off. However, when explaining this to your kids, it is important that you let them draw their OWN conclusions about what your ex did was right or wrong. Don't tell them "Your father is such an [explitive] because he left me for another woman and had a baby with her!!" When you tell them what happened, they'll see it that way anyway. Be perfectly honest with them about everything but DO NOT make it a one-sided story. If you do, you run the risk of your ex husband justifying what he did (more than likely by blaming you) to your children. Then the mud slinging goes back and forth with your kids stuck in the middle and that could have devestating consequences on your relationship with your children.

I once advised with a father who felt guilty about telling his daughter (who was 15 at the time) that her mother had an affair which ended the marriage. To make a long story short, after talking to the daughter I found that the father simply told his daughter the truth. He didn't bad mouth the mother, he didn't talk about what a terrible person she was or anything. Don't get me wrong, he certainly explained to her that her actions hurt him deeply but in the same breath reminded his daugher that her mother still loved her very much. He also told her that just because good people do bad things doesn't mean they're bad people. Well his daughter is now angry at her mother for what her mother but eventually the anger will subside with time. But at least the father knows his daughers anger at his ex isn't because of him, but because of what his ex wife did to him.

This the approach you need to take with your children. They're in their late teens so they're obviously old enough to hear this. Let them know that their father isn't a bad person, even if you think he is. Let them know their father still loves them and that he simply made a mistake. Be honest with them and let them know that he did hurt you and that you still may have some unresolved resentment towards him. What this will do is let your children know the truth. It will let them draw their own conclusions. One of your children may "let him off the hook" and one of your children may not be so forgiving. But at least you know that their conclusions are their own and not yours. This way your conscience is clear and your children understand that their mother is the bigger person. I know it sounds cheesy but trust me, it's the truth. Don't take the priviledge of making a decision away from your children by giving them a one-sided story. I promise you that they will thank you for it in due time.

Good luck.