Divorced with a child, new partner finds it hard to accept child?

Question

Dear All,

I divorced a while ago and have one child. I have him stay at my house about 50% of the time and the other 50% he is at mommys house.

I have a new girlfriend and she gets on fantastically well with my son and accepts him. Just recently she admitted to me that she is finding it hard that she can't be with me and just me. She does not have children and is used to being in child free relationships where she did not always have to concider her partners child and could do spontanious things.

What is the best way to deal with this? How do I explain to her that I am different from her previous partners because of my child and that she has no option not to be selfish and accept that I am different to the relationships that she has previously been in?

Hope that you can understand my question.

I guess that with time she will be more accepting of the situation once she realises that relationships can be just as good with or without children.

Thanks.

Just a couple more details. My new girlfriend and I are both 28.

Mommy likes to try and control everything. For example, when my girlfriend spends the night at my house and my son is there also mommy expects me to phone her and let her know... This causes a lot of stress to the new girlfriend.

Answer 1

Ok, first and formost u need to make it clear to her that your child is never going to disappear from your life, so basically she has a choice, she can love "all" of u, which includes ur child since ur child is a part of you, or she can leave if she wants something different.. She should of realized this before getting so involved with you.. but i realize sometimes its something u have to do before u can realize if ur cut out for or not... but u cant stop being a father and putting ur child as top priority just because she cant handle sharing u with your child.

And you cant force her to stay in a relationship that she doesnt feel fit to be in either.. so she needs to make the choice, nothing u can do or say, cant change the situation, she is the one that has to decide if this is something she can handle or not.. because ur child is going to always be in your life, your child is always going to be top priority, and she has to either learn to deal with it, or to leave before your child and yourself get any further attached to her.. your childs already gone through one divorce, she doesnt need to go through another (even if ur not technically married) thats how its precieved to a child, another person they cared about out of their life..

If this relationship fails, i hope that u learn from this, and next time u are dating someone, u wait, till u know for sure theres a possible future before even introducing this person into your childs life, and lay the cards flat on the table with this person explain what the "job title " involves of being ur significant other, let them know from the get go, i have a child, i have my child 50 % of the time, my child is my top priority, and if u cant handle that, then good bye..

But ur child shouldnt have to go through every gf.. with u.. till u find the right one, its not fair to them.. so be smarter about ur gf choices next time..

Good luck..

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Ok after reading ur details.. 1. ur house not the mommy's house, u dont have to call her, STOP LETTING THE X WIFE CONTROL YOUR HOUSE ITS YOUR HOUSE ITS NONE OF HER BUSINESS IF THE GF STAYS OVER OR NOT.. and u will find that if u do not start putting up the barriers with ur x wife, that u wont everrrrrrrrrrrr find a woman that is willing to put up with an x wife that is still controlling u and your house yet expect her to be apart of your life and house.. so if ur doing it.. then ur the reason why the gf isnt handling it, not just because u have a child..

Answer 2

It sounds like she might be starting to harbour jealous feelings towards your son because she can't always be the centre of your attention.

When she got with you, she knew your situation and maybe it was a novelty to begin with (for her). Now it seems like it's more than she can handle.

Your gf needs to handle things in a more mature fashion. It's understandable that your ex is going to call from time to time. Maybe you could have a word with her and ask her not to call on certain evenings (when gf is there).

The bottom line is, if your gf can no longer accept your child, she needs to move on. You and your boy are the complete package and she knew the situation beforehand....

My bf and I live together, he totally accepts my three year old, if he didn't, he wouldn't be in my life.

He has two children of his own and I accepted them totally....it's all or nothing, right? Anyway, his step daughter is an adult and very jealous of me....I am at the point where I will not put up with her ways....having said that, she's grown up and needs to get a clue but, it's different when you have little ones in your life. They have to always come first.

That's my outlook on this matter. Good luck with everything and I hope it all works out for everyone involved.

Answer 3

It does not sound like she cant except your child just that she needs some time alone with you. from what you have said she gets along well with your son and seems to care for him she just needs more time with you. This is true in all relationships even if you are married you have to nurture the relationship. I think you should make an effort to spend time with her with out your son and make it memorable. maybe take a weekend get away with just the two of you. Also you should never have her stay over with your son there. Children view this as a major relationship when two adults spend the night together and if something should happen and things dont work out it will be like going through another divorce to your child. just give her some alone time and with you and make sure she is aware of how important she is to you and see where things go. good luck..

Answer 4

Well the first thing you need to do is tell "mommy" to mind her own business. So long as your child likes your gf and they get along it's really none of her business as to who stays all night or not.
It's hard forming a relationship w/ a person when they don't have kids, but give her credit for two things: trying to accept the situation and being honest about her feelings. Maybe during the times when your son is w/ his mom you could make your time w/ your gf extra special so that she knows she is important too.

Answer 5

Ok, lets get this straight. I am 32 y/o, with no children. in this day and age it is almost impossible to meet someone without children.
Personally, i don't think that this is the woman for u. When u are in a serious relationship with someone, u accept their flaws, good and bad. WE have a big problem! If the kid is Important to you, she should feel the same way. Her lack of concern for your priority, is selfish. He is here now and we cant just send him back, and IT IS NOT AN OPTION! But, u need to make changes to make your new girlfriend feel welcomed, and also accommodate her needs too, and that has to be without your son. So she can get some quality time too. That is important! IF you want to keep your new lady.
The ex-wife, needs to mind her own dang business. when your son is with u, it is your responsibility to provide a loving caring environment for him. She don't pay no bills, buy no food, she has no input on what is going on. you have moved on, and she can no longer tell u what to do. That's why you divorced in the first place, cause u wanted to cut ties between the two of you, but there is a child which means, that is your only commitment. TO HIM. who does she think she is YOUR mother? Do u call your mother when u have company at your house? Probably not, cause its none of her business what is going on at your house, and your mother probably respects your privacy, so should your ex-wife.
Your new girlfriend doesn't have to tolerate the ex-wifes antics of still trying to control your life based on the pretenses of the child. They are both in a power struggle that they are going to lose, cause in the end... it is just u and your kid. Both of them can go their own separate way. If your wife CAN find someone that will put up with her BS, she wouldn't have no concern about u, your love life, or anything else. she doesn't want u to be happy so she is making up things as time goes on, to make things harder on you to find happiness.
Ask her what does she expect from u now that u are no longer with her, and say what is possible or impossible or just plain stupid, cause that what she is. Stupid for trying to control a man that simply doesn't want her. Your new girlfriend... she could stay or go, but communicate to her what u want and expect, and let her tell u her thoughts, and weigh the pros and cons. i don't think she will want to stay in the relationship. If she gets pregnant, she may become the wicked stepmother we all dread. And that will be an unstable environment for BOTH kids.
My advice is to find a new girlfriend, one who isn't afraid of children and commitment . And put the ex-wife in her place. WITH THE EX"S

Answer 6

This is a tough situation, and my heart goes out to you. I am also a divorced dad with part-time custody of my kids, and have gone through what you have. Unfortunately, there is no certainty that she will accept you having a child! She may or she may not. Time will help, though... and she will know whether she feels okay with it. It's really more up to her than you... but you shouldn't avoid activites that include your child, she needs to see the reality of the situation. You're a dad for life, and she has to understand that. If it seems after time that she isn't getting any closer to acceptance, then you will probably have to end the relationship. You AND your son deserves someone in your lives that truly cherishes both of you. He will sense from her any reluctance to have him around. Kids are very sensitive to that! In the meantime... keep asking her if she feels okay with the situation, and keep asking her to be honest about how she feels, no matter what. Good luck!

Answer 7

I am not so much interested in how you are going to deal with the girlfriend and her jealousy of your time with your child, but if this is a new relationship that is still unsure, why are you introducing her to your son so early on.

Children should never be involved with their parents dating life unless the parent know for sure if it is going to be a longterm committed relationship. This does not sound like the case here.

In the future think twice before bringing gf's in and out of your son's life because kids get attached then all of a sudden someone disappears because Daddy decides they don't get along.

If you have to use the term new gf, then it is too early on in the relationship to involve them and by the time you do involve them they will understand that your child comes first and you won't have to worry about this discussion.

Answer 8

Honestly, it will only get worst. You need to talk with your new girlfriend and let her know. She can either accept you with your package or she can keep it moving. Because if it bothers her now, she will eventually give you an ultimatum. And at the point, you will have to dump her or she'll dump you. So why even waste your time; solve this problem now before more feelings get involved.

My boyfriend has a kid so I'm telling you. I don't think that its about being selffish at all. Its about starting her own family. How can she start her own family with you, if you already have one. Its not about liking your son, its about starting her own family. She's telling you now while the feelings are fresh, that she can't do this. You should accept that and find yourself a woman who will accept you and your situation.

You have to control your babys mother. She will only get more obsessive. She should have no say about what goes on in your life or home. If you allow this, then you might as well get back with her. No woman wants BABY MAMA DRAMA. Thank god, I don't have to deal with that. If I thought you couldn't control her or say anything to her about her behavior, then I would have left you already. Noone wants that lifestyle.

Answer 9

As a mother of four, who has been divorced and remarried in '05, I can't imagine my husband not accepting my children. Talk about the stress this must cause. I know you must get lonely, but I promise you, if you stay with a woman who cannot accept your child, things will only get worse. It could be she just needs time to deal with it since she has never had children of her own. The two of you really need to sit down and discuss this, in depth, and determine if she is willing to learn how to deal with a child in her life. If not, there really is no point to continue with the relationship.

Also, I agree with the others. There is NO reason to consult your x on anything you do with your personal life. This could actually be the deep problem of your new GF but she is afraid to admit it. My new husband, before we were married, thought he had to consult his x on this very same thing when he would spend the night at my house. She even wanted to come and LOOK at my house to see where they would sleep. I told him under no circumstances was she to come to my house and if I had to share my life and him with her, we might as well break up. No woman wants to feel like her new man is tied to the ex.

Answer 10

First of all, if your new love can't handle this, drop her now. It is more important for you to be a daddy right now than her boyfriend.

Secondly, it is also important for you to keep things pleasant with the mommy....so if the new girlfriend doesn't appreciate that you call the mommy to fill her in on the goings on in your life (that directly affect her son) then theres another reason to drop her.

It might not appeal to you to let her go, but you have to put your son first.....and like it or not, your relationship with your sons mother is just as important as it ever was, and keeping it on good terms is almost a fulltime job!