I live with my boyfriend who is 10 years older than me, divorced with a 6 year old. He says that he is not averse to marriage "at some point" but he doesn't want any more children because his daughter was so difficult when she was a baby. He says that he is not a good dad although he doesn't see his daughter that often so how could be possibly practice being a good dad? He also says that he is reluctant to get married because he has been through a divorce already and if our relationship isn't broken then why try to fix it. I love him very much and do want to be with him but I keep saying that we should move on to another level in our relationship but he says non. A lot of our friends are either having babies or getting married at the moment so the subject has come up again. What should I do? Please help!!!
2007-02-26 22:42:44 · 21 answers · asked by Kelly B 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I started off here saying how to try and improve the situation but realized mid-way that I don't think you should try to improve the situation, so I'm doing a re-write.
How can you want to be with a man that isn't there for his child? How can you be okay with the fact that he's letting his little girl grow up feeling unwanted? He is irresponsible to the nth degree and you want to start a family with him?
I would say this problem is his for being such a selfish *** but then what does that make you?
2007-02-26 22:54:44 · answer #1 · answered by hthr_1974 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Sit back and relax - marriage is not the relationship glue that people think it is. Possibly a good idea if there are children and/or property. Otherwise its a one day party. Why not suggest that you have a long term engagement? at least that way you will get a ring to show others that you are partnered and you can call him your fiancee.
If he doesn't see his daughter very often there will be huge issues around guilt. Parents are encoded to feel guilty about their children which could be the reason why he says he is not a good parent. Tricky this one. Perhaps the only way around this one is to encourage him to see his daughter more often? This way his self esteem about fatherhood will rise and this may result in a greater willingness to have children.
If not you have to make some serious choices. You can't force someone to want children. Or to want to get married. In a way this man has been there worn the t shirt etc and you are waiting to get the t shirt.
I suppose this is the chance you take when you have a relationship with a divorcee. But you could point out to him that lots of people get married more than once and who is to say you would get divorced? Also I have had lots of relationships - one can't stop having them becuse of previous hurts.
You two need to discuss whether it is his guilt at not seeing his daughter that is coming between your relationship now? You will also have to consider how you would feel if he saw his daughter more?
It may be a shot in the foot - the grass may not be greener etc
Good luck with everything and consider whether being the same as everyone else is really all that important (married with children) or whether just being with the man you love is enough. Perhaps it is better to be happier with what we have as opposed to wanting what we haven't
good luck with this sweetie
p.s I'm not married and don't have children - you aren't alone!!
2007-02-26 23:34:48 · answer #2 · answered by billiebimbo 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Theres not much u can do, he has to be ready for both moving forward and for the idea of babies and u cant change that , thats something he needs to want for himself.. etc..
Look u need to decide if u can live ur life being happy with just him.. if u want a family , your wasting ur time, because with him being 10 years older, more then likely he wouldnt want to have kids later down the road because of his age, so i dont see children at all in your future..
The marriage part may change with time.. but i dont see the children part every changing at all..
My sister was with her (now husband) for 6 years prior to him asking her to marry him.. and during those 6 years they talked about having 1 child, thats all she wanted was 1.. he already has a daughter from a previous marriage, and he is 11 years older then her, he told her when they got alittle more stable they would talk seriously about having a baby , so when they bought a house, she brought it up again, and he told her that he didnt want to have any more children, that his daughter was close to being an adult and he didnt want to start all over again.. so she had to make a choice, love him enough to give up her dream of having children..and get married.. or move on.. she chose him, they've been married for 4 years now..and i know it hurts her that she has never had a child, but she trys to tell herself that its ok.. but i can tell she resents his daughter from the previous.. because she cant have a child of her own..
So be sure "he" is all u need, because if not u could be wasting alot of time and energy hopeing for something that will never come..
2007-02-26 23:29:29 · answer #3 · answered by brwneyedgrl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really understand with his situation. Once bitten twice shy. He does not want to get married because he is afraid it will fail again. And some people, even the girls are not so good with kids. At least he is honest about it.
At the same time, i understand your needs to be married and start a family. Isn't it what most girls want? So I guess it's up to you whether you want to accept the situation where you get to be with guy you love, but won't be able to marry and have his kids? Is it enough just to be with him? If you think you can't do this, then you should consider to end the relationship with him. Good luck in whatever you choose.
2007-02-26 23:59:14 · answer #4 · answered by chardonnayormerlot 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is obvious that this boyfriend of yours still has a great deal oif baggage he needs to come to terms with. With the issues you mentioned that you have, I feel that these will not be resolved whilst your boyfriend cannot start to live again. Eventually these issues unless resolved will ruin your relationship unless you can accept how your boyfriend feels.
You see your friends moving on in relationships by getting married and having babies, but think on this perhaps they do not have the amount of emotional or personal issues that you have in your relationship.
There are plenty of other fish in the sea, but not many of these will be free of baggage, so do you make the most of what and spent the rest of your life wishing and wanting, or move on yourself.
All the best and be happy with what you have today or seek happiness elsewhere the choice is yours. Give it time and I think that these issues will be resolved eventually.
Remember you cannot force the issue here.
2007-02-26 22:58:34 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
You need to tell him that you are sorry that his last relationship went sour but that you havn't had this chance in life to experienc marriage and having a baby and you will not be cheated out of this because of his mistake with someone else. That is not fair to you and you are going to have this if it means moving on. I'm sorry to say but you may have to. If he doesn't see his child that often its because he chooses not to and that is what he is telling you when he says he is not a good dad. You can't change how he feels just the same as he can't change how you feel. If he doesn't want to make a commitment with you other than just being lovers then you need to move on. Their is someone out there that wants the same thing you do.
2007-02-26 22:55:31 · answer #6 · answered by *queenfairy1*Antioch California 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
this guy is too old and done too much for you to relate with. You need to move on and find someone that you can relate to and hasnt had those lifes experiences that this current man has. I am not saying that anything that this man is saying is wrong. Its just that he has his reasons for feeling that way and you will never understand those feelings for you are too young and have not had top face up to those problems yourself.
Do yourself a favour babe....dont be too hasty to have children and settle down. Find the right man first and THEN start dreaming. Marriage is not a bed of roses and having children is the most challenging thing you will ever do.
2007-02-26 22:57:38 · answer #7 · answered by stars 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Hiya you are going to have to accept him as he is or leave, Im afraid. You cant force this upon him. He doesnt see his girl much, which is an indication that he isnt a devoted dad.Sorry but these issues just cause resentment in the long run. When I met my partner he had 3 sons and an ex wife. I quickly made it clear I wanted kids. I was 28 and knew my mind was made up I would have moved on but he said yes. We now have 2 girls together.
2007-02-26 22:51:34 · answer #8 · answered by babyshambles 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Calm down firstly, goodness me .
All these demands, be glad you have each other and consider how you would be fixed if you were not together.
Having done that, now think about your own needs, rate them on a scale of 1 to 10 and make your decisions accordingly.
If your partner sees you trying to be flexible and considering him then he may begin look again at the situation. Make it clear you have a time limit and will need to review your needs/situation every so often. Don't give up, sounds that fear plays a big part in it and your fella needs to have a bit more faith in himself.....
Good luck !
2007-02-26 22:56:43 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Once again girls a reason not to give the goods away to free to a BOY. They will never grow up. That was his problem in his first marriage. He was a BOY and didn't get his selfish way.
Go take lessons on how to pick a MAN. This one is a loser and you look like a loser for being with him.
2007-02-27 01:41:50 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋