my husband still gets upset after an affair i had 20 years ago, what can i do?

Answer 1

I feel for u but also for your hubby, my hubby cheated on me with an ex while we were engaged. I was devastated especially as we had a stable, loving and sexually very active relationship. He said he didnt know why he did it but it wouldnt happen again and I believed him and because i love him so much I took him back. we got married 7 months later and are still together a year later. I nevr forget what he did to me and most of the time I keep it to myself how I feel but occasionally when he takes me for granted I feel resentful because i forgave so much so we argue about it he always say 'i wish u would just forget it and put it behind us' but I cant do that unfortunately i wish i could. Your hubby probably feels anger sometimes about it and does have doubts as to why he forgave you and why u did what u did like i do occasionally. I hurt all the time about it and even though its still not so long ago I know i will always feel this way to a certain degree and yes i suppose i am selfish and i expect my husband to take what i say to him because he 'deserves' it. But hang in ther you are still together after 20 years thats amazing, he obviously adores you, have counselling even if u have tried it before, let him whinge occasionally even though it hurts u because i think its his way of coping with what u have done to your marriage. Trust is gone and that is the biggest part of a relationship, I know i am a different person now than i was b4 he cheated, i get jealous and paranoid about other women i have never done that b4. Also it knocks your ego and self esteem u feel there must be something wrong with u for your lover to cheat, so reassure him you think hes wonderful and i hope eventually he realise you do love him after all you chose to stay with him and make it work so u deserve some credit for that. xxx

Answer 2

Do you have any idea of the thoughts that have gone through your poor husbands head, how he's imagined another man f*cking his wife....how would you feel if he'd done it to you?

well doesn't it just show how having an affair can cause so much pain, damage & basic lack of trust.....unfortunately you had all the fun & he's had to live with all the heartache....

Can you not for one minute understand how he must have been feeling all this time? You have no idea what he's been through all these years. So it's 20 years ago, do you think that just because 20 years has lapsed that it somehow makes it easier to go away....trust me it doesn't.
I understand you've both probably been through the mill a bit over this but all you've felt is perhaps regret & hating the idea that he won't forget it....can't forget it. You feel guilty perhaps & want this to all go away. Well, I have news for you, so does he. he's feeling pain & sick to his stomach. All I can think is somewhere along the road you've failed to make him feel better over this incident.

However, it's been a long time now & he really for his own sanity needs to get some form of help to try & get over this.....otherwise the only option would be to divorce, maybe he thought he could handle it but obviously found out he couldn't.

The memory will never go away for him but he needs to find a way to overwrite the bad programme you so lovingly put in his head for him......

Answer 3

You have a lot of options here: MAKE YOUR PLAN. You might not want to divorce him if you have children or if it is the only affair. If you want to keep the marriage - CONSIDER: If he's found God, he should be repenting...? Going to church with him & the children Getting Pastoral counseling Telling his mother - maybe she'll talk some sense to him It's really icky when you're hurt and betrayed, but if you want him, you must outcharm and outwit her. By that I mean: -don't argue with him; agree, tell him he's right (but don't agree with cheating) -keep quiet sometimes - you don't have to react to everything he says, just listen and see what you can learn -make home the best place he rather be: clean, pleasant to the senses: comfortable, smells good, quiet soothing music -cook his favorite foods if he eats with you while visiting the children -look cute, fix your hair & nails (it'll make you feel better too) -be kind, agreeable, charming, and fun If he's not giving you money for the house payment, groceries, etc. you need to contact an attorney to get support and you should do well for a 20 year marriage and children. Show his paystubs and tax returns for family court. Most churches will not tolerate him having an affair nor abandoning his family and when they find out they usually "discipline" him. Social pressure for him! Also from his family... Social pressure for his "soul mate" is telling her husband, parents, relatives, friends, coworkers, boss, classmates what a homewrecker she is. The affair must end!!! One of them should call the other in front of you (so you know it's been done) and tell the other that it's over and not to contact in any manner - no calls, no cards, letters, email, text message, etc. EVER! Not for any reason. If it's her calling your husband, then, her husband should be there, too, so he will also know it's really over. As far as being loved - remember God and your children and family love you and your friends. There are many bad men out there and no guarantee that the next one will be any better. Another thing to consider, asking him to delay his departure to enable you to get more organized - like after summer, after school starts, after Christmas, after New Years, etc. Only you can decide what to do and what is right for you. Hope this helps. Joy to you!

Answer 4

Some men will just never get over it. My husband still brings up a fling I had when I first met him and had just come out of a divorce. We were not even serious or exclusive when I was seeing this other guy but he brings it up from time to time and it was 5 years ago. Just ignore it when he mentions it, there's nothing much you can do, Im sure at the time it was difficult but all that had to be said was said all those years ago so change the subject.

Answer 5

My wife had two affairs 40 years ago, before we were married.

I just found out last year after 34 years of marriage. I will NEVER get over it. She did it right in front of my face with one of my customers. I never suspected because he was one big ugly SOB, and married. She was and still is the most beautiful women you have ever seen. It makes NO sense what so ever. The second affair was with a guy older than her father. What the hell.

I found photos of her on internet from 36 years ago that the old man posted. She wants to stay married and ask that I just forget about the whole mess.

Thought?

Answer 6

My husband has had an affair 10 years ago, and I will never forget it. But love him and people do make mistakes, we all do and I have given it a lot of thought and perhaps some blame should be put on my own shoulders. So I think he must still love you but because you let him down he can't get over it and is afraid you might do it again, perhaps he blames himself like I do. All you can do is ignore a lot of it, and if you love him, show him.

Answer 7

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Answer 8

Cornbread got it right. See?-this is what cheating does to people--proved time and time again! 20yrs your hubby has been carrying your misdeed around on his shoulders and in his head, 20yrs of pain--hurt--devastation and anger that he has had to put up with, whilst in all that time, all you have been feeling is a few moments of guilt every now and again no doubt. You cannot 'undo' what is done and never will be able to, so the best thing for you to do..."IF" the marriage is stable in all other respects, is to offer to go to marriage guidance/couples counselling with him-(supposing the two of you have not gone down this route before of course)-to try to help him. You are a very lucky lady indeed to have had this man stand by you all this time-(not many people would have done...i wouldn't!)-so you owe it to him--and in some respects to yourself--to try to help him out here if you want to keep this marriage going...its the least you could do.

Answer 9

Bringing the negative things of the past into your present can poison your future in ways you can't imagine. He needs to talk to a pastor or a counselor about what he's feeling. Cheating is the worst thing you can do to your spouse, but there comes a time where you both have to give that burden to God, and let Him take care of it. Something that could help out is this: go to joelosteen.com and order "Forgotten Past, Bright Future, and "Letting Go of the Past." These messages will help him and you come to terms with the past, and help you move on. Listen or watch these messages together. He needs to completely forgive you for what you did. In addition, if you haven't already done so, you need to forgive yourself which is very, very hard. But it can be done. You both have to be willing to let the past be the past. Many blessings.

Answer 10

say u stayed with me after the affair why bring it up....you took me back wanting to forget the past and start again
why is it taking u 20 years to do that
either we move on now or not at all.
i aint done it again and 20 years is a long time so why do you still have a problem.