I need your urgent help please to resolve my family problem?

Question

Dear friends. I need your help. I belong to a middle class Indian family. I am the only son of my parents. My parents throughout their life, have done a lot for me and have given me both financial as well as moral support. My father is a retired employee and my mother remained a house - wife throughout. My parents are now around 70 years age and do not keep good health. They are dependent on me. I am working in a private co. in Delhi. I am married for 11 years and have 2 kids. We all stay in a small but independent home in Delhi. This home is in my mother's name. I am the only working member of family with just sufficient salary from hand to mouth. But I have had tried to give all possible facilities and amenities to my family members. In the 11 years of my married life, I hardly lived a moment of peace. The problem is frequent quarrels between my wife and my mother. My wife does not obey anybody or atleast does not like to be advised by anybody not even me. She just thinks / dreams that something has happened and will blame me and my mother. She just wants that everyone should obey her and work for her. Even this does not satisfy her. She always finds one way or other to fight. This has ruined the life of my parents, my children and myself. My parents have become like servants. On trying to advise my wife, she always threatens that she will go to police and will implicate us in a dowry case. Or sometimes she threatens to commit suicide and implicate us in a case of murder. I have tried to persuade her that if we cannot go along, then we should separate. I have even given her the option to keep or not to keep our children with her and also promised to give her a part of my salary as alimony without even going to courts. But she always threatens. Now for some days, she has been saying that we should separate from my parents and should live somewhere else. Although this "MAY" bring some peace on the front of my wife and my mother but this is no guarantee that I and my wife will have peace. Moreover, living in a rented place with separate kitchen will put a lot of financial pressure on me resulting in the decrease in quality of facilities my children and my wife are enjoying. In long term this will again become a reason of quarrel. And most importantly, my parents need me at this stage of life - financially, physically and morally. I am in a dilemma what to do? Sometimes I feel that I cannot do anything and I should commit a suicide and also end the life of my suffering parents. Can anyone advise me what should I do??? Please I need urgent advise.

Thank you friends for your answers. But I have tried all the things u have suggested. I never was in lust for her body. I have contolled myself very much. Divorcing is not ease, especially in current laws of India. I have seen many around and their family members imlicated in and rotting in jails for false dowry cases. I always thought threats are threats only. But once she tried suicide, drew attention of neighbours and gained sympathy. Moreover she was working earlier (without any contibution to home). And she just lost her job. I have suggested to her to see a psychiatrist also. Any dialogue with her results in getting a threat from her. Donot know what to do. Truly, I sometimes say, lucky are those who manage to get a divorse or do not get married.

Answer 1

Dear friend,
You are being blackmailed by your wife. You can't allow her to threaten you with suicide, lawsuits, and so on. I can't advise you whether to leave her because that is your personal decision. But write down every time she makes a statement that she is going to implicate you in a false case, and write down the date and time. Even better, buy a small tape recorder and secretly tape her making such statements if that is possible. If she makes a false case then she can go to jail and you must have some evidence that she has been making such claims.

You and your parents should all at once together, stop letting her bully you and order you around. Just do not do what she says anymore, even if she makes crazy statements. Tell her that you have taped her and that you have proof for the police if she tries to make a case against you. The more people listen to a bully, the more the bully goes around making threats. It makes them feel powerful.

If I were you, I would get a divorce from such a woman. Think of your family and your children. Nobody can live their life in such a bad atmosphere of threats and quarreling. If you think you feel like committing suicide, imagine how your children might feel like doing the same thing. Good luck!

Answer 2

There are always 2 sides to a story and we've just heard your side. I look at your situation and I can relate to it - you are a married man and still have your family in tow - I am not saying get rid of your parents, no. What I'm saying is that you married this woman and she married you. You two did not marry each other's families and after 11 years of being together, I'm not surprised that your wife has become the woman she has and this has probably been because of having to keep sharing the love of her life with his family. Ask yourself, when you and your wife argue, what is most often the cause of the aurgument - if it is your parents, then maybe you need to take your wife and children and just move to another place and start fresh. Are you afraid of upsetting your parents as you may not be left anything when they pass on. When your parents do eventually pass on, your wife will be the one standing there to pick you up, so remember that. I don't know what else to tell you, but think seriously whether you still love your wife. Also, don't let anyone else influence your decision. God Bless You and your family!!

Answer 3

Friend Where is her father and mother,if they are there means,Call her parents to stay with you in your home .it will be a small temprory solution for you for few days ,After that again the problem will start .Noe more over you no need to worry about that ,Her parent will take care of it ,if they very good in activities.
But you didn't mentioned any thing about her family backrounds
All the best try this also May God will give you a happiest life from today onwards
By
Charles S(00919894630068)

Answer 4

I think you may know the answer to this question and you want reasurrance. From what you have written, it sounds like you are largely leaning towards your parents rather than supporting your wife. It also sounds like you have been pushed around by your wife during your marriage. I think it's time you told your wife that you are taking a stand and that until she starts to provide for the family as well, she can abide by your standards/rules and if she doesn't like it, then it's bye bye. A marriage is a two way relationship, however, it sounds like she's getting it all HER way at the moment. Think of how she is teaching your 2 children to act. Do you want your kids to grow up and act like her? Well, they will if that's all they continue to see.
Also, threats are threats. Has she actually ever gone through with any of ther threats yet?? I bet she hasn't. I wouldn't take what she says about going to the Police seriously. Also, if your conscience is clear, then why worry about her threats of going to the police? You know none of what she says is true.
Show her the door, I say!! Good luck with it all. My prayers are with you. :o)

Answer 5

I do understand your situation. But, in the least this is not normal, your wife is pulling a false wolf call (in other words she is saying wolf when there is no wolf to catch the sheep) She needs to do something with her life than to sit at home. If she is so intelligent, get her to apply for a job, anything she wants, something that would make her happy, rocking babies, volenteering for people less fortunate, to your family would be of great help, it would make her see, that she has less problems than some people. She needs a job to let her energy go on, she may be happy, but the g/parents would be happy to watch the children and give them more time plus it gives her a sense of feeling good about herself and a feeling of being needed by the community. Life is too short for this , ask her what does she want? if you can answer that, then half of your problems are over. Listen to her, help her achieve her goal and she will feel better about who she is......take care Heather

Answer 6

first thing first. your commiting suicide is not going to slove the prob in any way. it is only going to add to it. just imagin what will happen to your parents if u are not there for them?

there is a solution to your problem. but it will take long time planning and preparation. you'd need to counslut a lawyer and most importantly you need to make sure that you wife has no idea about what u are doing.

start preparing evidence about your wife's nature. through neighbours. other family members, your kids etc. if you can record a few of the fights between you two it would be better. if u can prove to the court that she is very dominating, that she ill treats your parents, and also that she keeps thretening you about filing a false divorcve case or suicide. if your evdiences are strong then no law can go against u.

if going to a lawyer sounds expensive then try taking help of some NGO.

Answer 7

Sounds like your wife gets her wishes thought threats, which you and your family reinforce since you eventually comply with her demands. To overcome this issue, you and your family will have to face some real hard times, emotionally. Challenge ALL her threats! If she threatens suicide, give her a knife, demand that she follows through with it, and when she fails you radical her harshly for it. If she threatens with the police, tell her to fetch them immediately, but she probably won't. Lastly, you MUST divorce this wife! Such dominance is spousal abuse in America and removing her from your parent's home is not hard. Simply instruct her to leave, if she should refuse, tell the police that she is trespassing on your parent's property. Best thing to do temporally is to send her packing to someone else's house. Doesn't matter who; parents, friend, boyfriend, whatever. Just get her out, NOW!

Answer 8

Wow, you seem in deep hurt. I am sorry, you are doing the right things for your family. YOUR wife must not work as she has too much time on her hand. Consult with a religious figure in your town and tell her either she goes to counseling with you or you are dropping her...She will not let you go. I am almost sure, she has time on her hand and she loves the attention, but after 11 years she should know better.

I would think that you should never forget that you are the man in the family and must not let her stear you and your parents as she pleases...if she wants a separate house, she should go to work and earn it, as you are maxed out...and your parents will look after the kids....this way she is very tired at night and has no energy to fight....

Answer 9

My Dear friend..

I can understand that you are going from a big trauma; mentally and emotionally and if you do not correct that now, it might take on you physically as well. This is a BIG family disorder that only you can fix and noone else.. nor can the Divorce do that.
But it can be done gradually, not in one day or by one "answer"!

I would try and think from both view points as your wife is not here to represent herself.
I can understand that none ofyou guys is having peace of mind right now. Do u think she would be at peace?? I don't think so. Well if she is.. then she needs to see a psychiatrist. She definitely is having some disorders, if she is happy in this state. (which i don't think is true)

May I ask you what have you been doing these 11 years????? Were you sleeping? This state comes with no or wrong handling of relations for a long period of time. Did you realise that she is a bully now? or she turned that way recently? If she was like this right from the beginning, why didn't you try and give her your feedback with love so as to help her realise and change?

Do you love her? How about her? I think you have not expressed your love for her in past 10years.. Do u agree with me? For sure money is involved in gifts and holidays that make a woman feel she is needed, she is loved... but there are many other little ways too that can bring the element of love that's missing in the process of thinking of you all right now. Love can be expresed in a million ways and that is essential for everyone to feel good, think good and do good. She right now needs to feel that she is needed, loved and she holds importance in your life. You can't let her go!

In defficiency of love a person keeps going out of track each day!

Okay you feel she is a bully.. and she is saying and doing wrong things. But Have you ever made her think about all this, or jus tkep labeling her a "Bully"? Labels never work! In protest of that she had always been defending herself as she felt, she is left alone .. and kept trying to prove herself to you all, which you think is bullying.

Have you ever acknowledged the good things she kept doing for you and your parents. Maybe little ones! If you start believing she loves your Mom and Dad and say it out often to others, she will definitely start loving them, even if she doesn't!

May be you have tried other ways but as of now You definitely need to have a private talk with her... Try for a week and have constant short, very short private feedback sessions with her.. just you and her... in a soft and loving tone(for a change) tell her one thing at a time (very impt. one thinga at a time that too with love) aiming at evoking her conscious so that she thinks what is she just said or did to someone. You need to tell her all that you want in clear loving soft words showing your concern for her along with or rather before pointing out her mistakes.

Please try all these effective little things on daily regular basis with love!! I wish you all the best in being as forgetful about the past as possible while doing so! Let your ego go for your good (if you have)!

Each day make ait apoint to spend some good time together without any naggings and bad tastes!

If you ever loved her, you can try an understand her and make her understand you!!!

Wish you lots of Love and smiles! :-)

Answer 10

You must have realised your wife's habit in the first year of marriage itself but you didn't take any actions then so as not to disturb the peace. Now what your wife needs is a tight slap to come to her senses. Make her understand thatif you nare quiet that doesn't mean you are weak. Try talking to her parents and other family members too, make them realsie your problme and tell them strictly not to allow her in the house if she comes after having a fight with you.
In the meanwhile just tell your mother too stop talking to your wife as it hurts you when your mom doesn't get the respect she deserves. Tell your kids too the truth and tell them to tell their mom and we can't wait for you to get old so that we can treat you like how you treat the grand parents.
I know I am telling you to instigate your kids against their mom but what she needs is a shock treatment. She thinks she has had it her way but now you have to make her realise that you are the man of the house.
This is a drastic step but take your in- laws into confidence before doing anything like that becoz if your wife goes to the police station and files harrasment then your in laws will surely bail you out. Don't tell your in laws what you are going to do just tell them you are fed up and will have take a drastic action. I think one tight slap can work wonders sometime.
If you want a divorce then i think plato's gost's solution is the best.