My husband and I have been fighting and our relationship has been on the rocks for a while. We went to a marraige counsler last Thursday and "we" both decided to go to counsling and move forward while we were there. My husband decided to stay w/me and work thru our issues and not move out. well, I've been very nice,I haven't put myself first in any situation and I really listened to the counsler and I'm seeing things thru my husband's eyes, I'm being as fair and rational as I possibly can and am acting as though "when we first met each other" well, my husband seems to be fighting this...he wants to be convertanital at any given time....he stops to correct me if I say something wrong,he won't let things go....were suppose to move forward and not hold on to past issues...He says he wants to try but he can't get past our prior issues SO FAST! i know this and it's hard to forget the past but how can I try if he's fighting it??i go back tomorrow for a session bymyself. Any advice???
2007-02-26 21:12:12 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
m q - "One Counseling Session does not a Marriage Save".
First, don't mask or go into these sessions making compromises and such nor give in. It sounds as if you are purposely with-holding the genuine you and not being authentic. If you are doing this to shine on for the Counselor to appear to be the "good little wife" not only will he/she see through this but you will not accomplish a damn thing.
Also; it is going to take several-many sessions to get things out on the table and this is the place for both to put ALL of the cards on the table. This is the time for Honesty and at times, sadly; Brutal Honesty.
Having a "good session" doesn't mean to much as your marriage doesn't exist or function and play itself out in the office of a mediator. Remember, if you don't bring the problems out now and share your many views and feelings along with those of your Husband,.........anything you fail to reveal at these sessions will be brought back home and the disharmony will continue.
Also; don't expect the Counselor to have all the answers or to "fix" your marriage. He/She is there to help you both to learn to COMMUNICATE effectively and to learn how to solve problems together as well as compromise and learn a give and take dynamic so both spouses are able to function in a healthy way in their given role.
I commend you and your Husband for seeking counseling which is a better route than most take. However; in counseling, just like as in hiring a Housekeeper, people tend to clean their house up so that their home doesn't look all that dirty or in much need of cleaning for the Housekeeper. This is a human behavior that some demonstrate so the need doesn't seem to be as crucial as sought.
Don't do this. As I said, lay all the messy cards on the table and be forthcoming of ALL the problems cause one can only address what is shared and communicated. Some people feel too embarrassed and afraid to let it all hang out, and this is where it needs to all come out, or you will face a end neither of you want which is why you sought counseling.
You both need to get your needs met and they need to be known. Don't give in and surrender to your Husband if you have issues you need straightened out for yourself also. The opinion of you by the Counselor doesn't mean beans, and you need to tell it like it is.
I've seen many people fail in counseling because they had a pre-conceived notion that if they go into the office and show just what a wonderful couple they are, that the Counselor will see too much Mr. and Mrs. Happy and not the two that fight like Shrews.
You need to be as honest and give the Counselor a taste of the bitter fruit you and your husband have been producing for quite awhile. This is the only way you will get your problems addressed and answers and ways to work them out made clear.
I wish you luck, but, don't lose sight of the real goal. It is not to have great Counseling sessions, but, to have a marriage put back on track and a great mariage.
2007-02-26 22:44:17 · answer #1 · answered by The Sylvan Wizard 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
His getting past things will take time and this is why you will need more then just one session of counseling to help with things. Over time he will be able to start to get over the past things and to move on with you in the marriage to make things better. Marriage takes work and dedication and lots of love and understanding of each other. You can try not matter how he acts of feels. Just stay positive and keep your chin up girl because you can do it!
2007-02-26 21:52:01 · answer #2 · answered by Lady Hewitt 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
don't give up the fight.
Us guys are not taught how to properly talk about our issues and resolve them the same way women are; we are taught to "fix" them just like fixing a leaky faucet. It's really tough for us and you husband is fighting the desire to take a couple of poer tools in to the counseling session and take it all apart and have it repaired in an afternoon. It's how we roll.
Just that your husband is trying, is a great sign, but you can't change the way he thinks in 1 week.
2007-02-26 21:59:33 · answer #3 · answered by stratplayer1967 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I sure DO have some advice. Tell the counselor every single word you wrote here! That tells me everything! And you are not the first! You might be the first to admit it, but this is not a new sitaution for the counselor at all!! Speak Up!! That's part of the therapy!! Good Luck Hon!!
2007-02-26 23:44:33 · answer #4 · answered by Dovey 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Marriage is that easy, if it were we would all be happier campers, but that is not the case. Life is learning to work and communicate to each other, it is making things work even when we don't want them too. It is not about how we want things to be because its about what does my family need, or my kids, my wife, my dog, my cat, what do you need? did you as yourself that? If you know what you need, a good wife and great sex partner and great kids you are safe, but what if you have a great wife and bad kids and don't know what to do? Get yourslef happy first, make the sex work, make it more exciting, do what you must to keep it real and lovable, then what do the kids need and am I doing this for them? talk, communication is so important for a family, talk to each other, tell each other what you need, tell dad he needs to help you with basketball or your math homework sit down and do it., Kids are wonderful, they will tell you exactly what they need and want....Is life so bad, ask the kids, take care Heather
2007-02-26 21:35:32 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
don't give up on your marrige yet keep going to counseling and see if thing's will get better
2007-03-02 17:11:56 · answer #6 · answered by sweetgranny06 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋