What do you think of my writing?

Question

Havi peered out from behind a large Bristletow tree towards the large pit. Dry leaves crunched softly under his small paws as he came out from behind the tree and approached the clearing where the wide pit marred the forest floor. Mounds of grass sprung up around the edges of the pit where the earth had been disturbed and a few thin branches poked out from its depths. The pit was wide, taking up most of the clearing, and seemed to swallow the sunlight that pored through a break in the dense forest canopy.

Havi moved forward slowly on trembling legs. His small arms wrapped around his body in a protective manner and his head moved from side to side as he checked for any signs of danger. Thick grey fur covered his entire body and the triangular ears that perched atop his head spun about independently of one another like those of a dog. His appearance most closely resembled some strange mixture of lamb and dog although he walked on his hind legs quite naturally. He was small, a little more than two feet in height and so naturally frightened by the sound of a large creature's labored breathing that emanated from the pit.

He approached the pit despite his fear, his curiosity getting the better of him. He reasoned that anything that had fallen into such a pit would have escaped already if it was able to. He did not imagine any danger in just peering over the edge. This basic need to investigate was a product of his overactive imagination, which had landed him in more than his fair share of trouble. Curiosity demanded that he look to see what manner of beast had fallen into the hole.

Havi dropped down on all fours and crawled towards the edge. He peered down into the depths through a tangle of twisted branches and saw a large wolf laying on its side. It had reddish brown fur and long legs. Its scraggly mane was soaked in mud and dead leaves were strewn over its prostrate form. It was nearly eight feet in length from head to tail and obviously injured, the only movement was the rising and falling of its chest as it strained for breath.

"Take a good look." Said the wolf. His harsh voice pronounced each word slowly.

Havi leapt back away from the edge shocked that the wolf could speak. He had heard stories of talking wolves but never imagined encountering one on this side of the Tressle Ridge mountains. In the forests that spread across the base of the mountains there were very few wolves. In the stories the talking wolves never crossed the mountains. Havi had always counted this as a blessing since talking wolves were said to be far more cunning and dangerous that ordinary wolves. No one from his village had ever seen a talking wolf and so his curiosity took control again and he peeked over the side.

"Have you come to watch me die?" Asked the wolf.

"No." Said Havi. He saw that the wolf's hind quarters were impaled on one of many sharp stakes that lined the bottom of the treacherous pit.

"So you are merely curious then. Well, now you have seen the Big Bad Wolf in all his glory." Snarled the wolf with biting sarcasm. "Go away lamb-dog."

"My name is Havi and I am not a lamb-dog." He told the wolf as he edged along the side of the pit.

"I am a Moffet." He said proudly with growing confidence. He continued crawling along the edge so he could get a better look.

"You are a lamb-dog." Said the wolf who rested his head against the ground and closed his eyes. His hind quarters were covered in dry blood and his fur was matted and filthy. He had been in the hole for two days waiting to die.

"How did you fall?" Asked Havi.

The wolf opened its eyes again and shifted its weight with its front paws. The movement irritated its wound and its body convulsed with pain and than slumped back to the ground.

"I fell through the branches that were laying over this hole." Said the wolf.

"Couldn't you see that it was a trap."

"You mock me!" Snarled the wolf. "Why should I bother explaining myself to a stupid lamb-dog."

"I am not the one who fell into the trap." Said Havi. "I am not the stupid one."

"You are lucky lamb-dog. If I could move I would tear out your throat."

Havi became distracted by the conversation and careless as a result. The ground gave way beneath him. He tried to hold onto to the edge but the soft grass and loose soil crumbled under his weight. He fell into the pit. He slid down the curved wall into the muddy bottom ending up just a few feet from the mouth of the wolf.

The wolf's yellow eyes came to life and its face twisted in a viscous snarl as Havi tried to scramble to his feet. Despite the severity of its wounds, the wolf lunged forward, nearly tearing itself free of the impaling stake. Blood pored from the reopened wound as the wolf struggled to reach Havi with its snapping jaws.

Havi tried desperately to climb up one of the branches that rested against the top of the pit. The rotten wood snapped and he fell, barely missing a sharp spike. Leaves stuck to his muddy fur and twigs poked him as he scrambled away from the crazed wolf. His mind struggled for a solution through a flood of panic and terror.

The wolf had sealed its own fate as blood now coursed from its terrible wound. It was consumed by a need to kill. Its only desire: to steal away the life of the unfortunate Havi. Its last act would be utterly futile yet it strained with all its might, tearing at the fatal wound.

Havi screamed as he tried franticly to climb out. His hands came away with dirt and found no purchase along the soft walls of the pit. He looked back to see that the wolf was nearly free of the stake.

He could picture the moment when the wolf would free itself and lunge for him. He would be torn to shreds and die in this filthy pit. He would die here with the wolf and later his family would find them both. They would know what happened here. They would bare witness to his painful and humiliating death.

"Yes!" Cried the wolf. It had finally managed to tear itself from the stake. It came forward with an awkward lunge, limping as it dragged one mangled leg behind it.

There was nowhere for Havi to hide. He reached down and picked up a small branch pointing it at the wolf. He swung the branch desperately, trying to keep the beast at a distance. He was shaking with fright and tripped over a stone as he stepped backwards. The branch slipped from his small fingers as he landed in the mud and the wolf was upon him.

Your feedback is useless. If you believe I am plagiarizing then you should site an example. I can tell you for a fact that this is original and not plagiarized in any way.

Karen and Estrella, thank you for taking the time to read my story and respond. Thank you for the usefull feedback. Estrella, they are called paragraphs not chapters! :)

steve s, Im not expecting you to respond with any examples that prove my work is plagiarized because it isn't. I don't have a day job. You misspelled plagiarism.

Janine_rs, thank you for your feedback. "Showing" and not "telling" is something that I can improve upon but I am not going to abandone the thrid person omniscient point of view. Although I did not state it previously, this was written for the begining of my story. It was more important to establish setting and characters quickly than to take the time to "show"(which can be complicated and result in a slower pace for descriptions). Anything writtten in third person omniscient is going to need a balance of "showing" and "telling." I think the examples you provided are right on target and can use restructuring (with the exception of "thick grey fur", where I feel it was necesarry to "tell" and not "show" in order to quickly establish setting). Writing from the wolf's perspective was something I considered while I was writing this. Thank you for giving me some specific areas to focus on for improvement.

where are some better places to post my work for feedback?

Answer 1

The biggest rule in writing is "Show, don't tell," yet since you have adopted an omniscient point of view and are telling the story using a narrator's voice, you spend a lot of time doing just the opposite. You need to work on telling the story from the point of view of your characters. In this case, your story would work better if it were just from Havi's point of view. Additional chapters and sections can be told from the point of view of other characters. But for this section, it doesn't work to provide descriptions of Havi, such as "thick grey fur" and so forth, since Havi is not seeing himself or even thinking of his appearance in this situation.

A prime example of your telling and not showing is the line, "He had been in the hole for two days waiting to die." That's just the narrator's voice popping in and telling us that, which is boring. Havi certainly doesn't know that information, and this scene really should be told just from his point of view. But even if you were switching to the wolf's point of view, you haven't given us enough of what the wolf has been thinking to spring this line on us.

Your punctuation is incorrect when you write dialogue. It should be: "Take a good look," said the wolf. Same for: "How did you fall?" asked Havi. Adding descriptions of dialogue, such as "with biting sarcasm," should be avoided as much as possible. It's another form of telling and not showing. Your dialogue should be able to speak for itself.

Watch out for those homonyms: pore/pour and bare/bear.

Your writing shows that you are still a beginner at writing fiction, but one who shows promise. There are much better places on the internet to post pieces and get feedback than here.

[Update] Livejournal is full of writing/critique circles. But also check out Critique Circle:
http://critiquecircle.com/

Answer 2

I really enjoyed it. The first chapter was really good but the I felt that in the second and in a few of the later one's you're focusing too much on the illustration of the dog and the surrounding area and not going into the story if that makes sense.

I presume you're working on this so that it gets published, even if it doesn't do it for your own pleasure and let your family and friends enjoy it, I certainly did and want to see what happens next!

Good Luck!

Answer 3

lsten friend i won't try to make you fell good by prasing you but i think you need to focus more on story rather that the screen layout.
you can do well as i saw that you have written pitty much stuff.
if you are a biggner then i would say continue with your work and practise writting.

if you are writting up a book then you need to work hard and

****most important do't leak out your stories on the net.

best of luck

Answer 4

You've got talent, my friend! I see a few beginner mistakes, like the use of the word "and" a lot, where ending a sentence and beginning another would be better. But as a whole, you kept me interested. Go for it!

Answer 5

Terrific story. Keep it up, and ignore the knockers.
They're just jealous because they can't write as well.
One thing I've learnt about the literature business: writers hate each other.

Answer 6

A very interesting and gripping piece.
I like your descriptive style it works well with the story.However you do tend to use 'and' alot.use a thesaurus for that
well done and keep writing.

Answer 7

hi, nice one .thanx to me that i read it
here is a link
http://groups.myspace.com/writingandpoetry
Writing and poetry exposed to agents and publishers (for serious writers and poets)
p/s: u can find famous authors there...lots of them.
add me if u join it..

Answer 8

bad Syntax it doesn't scan
& can you say plagerism?????
i agree dont give up ya day job if ya have one if ya dont get one quick or youll starve

Answer 9

do not give up your day job.

Answer 10

it's good. my opinion.