I am writing a book. I am interested in feedback. I would love any open minded comments?

Question

I hope no one steals it!

Once again, Rain and Jasmine stood alone in the forest. They had long since ventured beyond Father’s Forest, and they now found themselves deep within the heart of the woods. Scattered sunlight dappled the forest floor and here and there they could see and hear the rustle of leaves of low-lying foliage as chipmunks and squirrels scampered within. In a moment Rain spoke, “The Dixie spider said straight ahead.” “Let’s go,” she said, grabbing her sister’s hand.

“But Rain, are you sure this is the right way?” Jasmine asked.

“It must be, because we came from back there when we found the spider,” Rain said, glancing behind her.

“I’m getting thirsty and my legs are tired,” Jasmine said. Rain firmly held her little sister’s hand, nearly pulling her forward as she used the other arm to brush aside low-lying branches from their path. “

“Jazz, the first fresh water we come to I promise we will stop.” Jasmine increased her stride and Rain let go of her hand. The girls made their way through the woods oblivious of the forest creatures that stopped to study them with curiosity as they passed. Finally, directly in front of them, they came upon a tremendous oak, so large that they had to maneuver their way through its canopy of branches to reach the trunk of the tree. Jazz sat down at the base. “Rain,” Jasmine panted, nearly out of breath. “Let’s rest,” she said. Rain sat down beside Jasmine. “Just for a little while,” Rain replied. “We must find fresh water.”

Before them, they saw that the oak branches stretched to the ground, providing a tent of sorts and a sizeable clearing between trunk and foliage. The girls were more tired than they realized and no sooner had they sat down at the base of the tree they were asleep, the thick leaved branches shielding them from sky and forest as protectively as a mother’s embrace in the darkest hours of night.

It was raining. No, it was pouring. Rain had incorporated the sound into her dream, in which she was at home, tucked snugly beneath her blankets as raindrops pelted the ground outside her bedroom window. She opened her eyes. She could here the rain but she could not see it. Beside her Jasmine slept, her head resting against Rain’s shoulder. Rain shook her awake. “Jazz, wake up,” she whispered, not knowing why.

“Is it morning?” Jasmine asked sleepily as she opened her eyes. Then she, too, remembered where they were. The girls rose to study their surroundings. The tree enclosed them as tightly as a cocoon and the ground, carpeted in lush green grass, was warm and dry. The girls could see as plainly as if in full view of the sun, though the thick overhead branches of the primitive oak tree blocked its rays. Rain approached the dense foliage and tried to separate the tangled limbs with her hands. She soon realized that nothing short of an axe would penetrate the growth. She walked back to Jasmine and gave her a hug. “Come on.” She said. “There has to be a way out of here.”

The girls circled the oak, their eyes desperately searching the dense tangle of branches and leaves for signs of escape. There was none. Realizing that they were literally going in circles, they resumed their positions at the base of the tree.

They were as bewildered as they had been when Father first told them of Mother’s disappearance, but still somehow grateful that they were warm and dry while what seemed a deluge of water from the sound of it battered the landscape of the forest beyond the protection of the tree. “Maybe,” Jazz said after thoughtful reflection, “this oak tree is like Mother’s morning glories, and it will open when the storm has passed.”

“Maybe,” Rain replied, grateful that her little sister retained hope. Her eyes continued to search the tree for a clearing when Jasmine blurted, “Rain! Look!” Rain followed her sister’s gaze and scarcely could believe her eyes.

Not more than 10 feet away, hovering several feet from the ground, was what looked like a rainbow. It was tiny, to be sure, perhaps an inch in length, but without doubt a rainbow. The colors were so vivid that they made the bright assortment of Farmer Miguel’s jellybeans appear bland in comparison. The girls rose immediately and began toward it. Then something even more extraordinary happened: the rainbow began to grow. With each approaching step, it seemed to triple in size. Soon they were standing beneath it, one end stopping just short of the ground, the other gradating into a multicolored waterfall. The girls instinctively held their fingers under the fall, the water retaining its color as it spilled over their skin and made its way toward earth, seeming almost with purpose, a pool taking shape. Rain and Jasmine were mesmerized as they watched the pool grow, stepping backwards accordingly lest they find themselves in its midst.

Thanks, Ghost Lady! Really? I would be happy to email it to you! This is the last of it. I guess I should give you the beginning, lol. I really am glad you like it. *smile*

You, too, Nadisha! Thanks.

Burjor, I think and hope you're wrong. I meant something to make it better, if that's truly needed. But to forget writing altogether? I don't think so, fortunately.

Tain, that is a good start. I agree. I use too many cliches. Thanks.

If I get rid of them, there won't be anything left! Where to start?

P.S. I don't know how telling this is, but this is the first draft. This is what I sat and wrote without editing a single word or comma. I am not very big on revision, and I know that I should be. This is not only a rough draft, it's the only draft.

From this I gather, I have potential, the storyline itself is interesting, I need to edit and revise my work. Great feedback. That is just what I was looking for, and presumed pretty much. Thanks all! You have been most helpful.

B, the second sentence is not a run-on, but it does contain a cliche. My transition needs work. This is a story for children and adults alike, with advanced vocabulary depending on the reader. Children will never have advanced vocabulary if they aren't exposed to it.

GL, email me at [e-mail] and I will send you the beginning. Before I write more, I think I will revise what I've got. Glad you like it.*smiley*

Answer 1

Well, I'm also an aspiring author, and I really liked the last paragraph, but I saw some repetition that isn't good, (low-lying), and I was a bit confused on exactly what was going on, it sounded like you were trying too hard instead of just letting the words flow. As Stephen King says, you have to make the reader forget that they're reading, try to make them "be there." And you should read, read, read. In order to get your own voice, you need to pick up on how others use description, and learn by it.
writersdigestbooks.com is a good site for self-help books. I think that you have a bit to learn, but promise. Get yourself a little more educated on what gets accepted, and what gets rejected. I hope that I haven't upset you, but inspired you. Good luck! Get a good book on manuscript format also, if they don't like the format you use, that could get you rejected right there.

Answer 2

You build a wonderful extended metaphor with the oak tree. I believe you should try to find someone who is an excellent proof reader to examine the story. I believe the second sentence is a run-on sentence. I also think there may be some unnecessary/awkward phrases. One part that struck me as awkward was when your story read: "In a moment Rain spoke." I am assuming that you are trying to convey a sense of passing time with this phrasing. To me, the phrasing seems a bit strange and ineffective.

In terms of the setting and general theme I was confused. The "Dixie spider" seemed like a childish name. It seems like your story is written for children but the continual usage of advanced vocabulary seems inappropriate.

Answer 3

Unlike many people who post their writing here, you have an excellent grasp of spelling and punctuation. That's a great start.

You seem to be writing a novel about the move away from the family and discovery of independent sexuality as the protagonists move from childhood into adulthood, with a heavy Freudian influence. You might like to read D.H. Lawrence, Lewis Carroll or indeed the works of Sigmund Freud himself for further inspiration.

Answer 4

I'm really picky about the books I read. I have to say that is one book I would definitely read. Hell I might even buy instead of waiting to pick it up at a Garage Sale. Lol Good Luck with the book. You really do have some great talent.

Answer 5

basically my humble opinion. i want to do away with a great variety of the Victorian thee and... i think of this could be a eye-catching lusty poem. i think the language (Shakespearean) isn't accomplished quiet maximum appropriate so as that cheapens this piece. that's speaking approximately making a female twist and squirm in a sinful way and basically by way of fact that is Shakespearean won't make it much less perplexing to swallow.

Answer 6

are you fishing for compliments or do you REALLY want some feedback? to be honest...i found your style quite easy to read, and there were some nice descriptive sentences.
however, it is littered with cliches, get rid of em!

Answer 7

summerfest, obviously you are talented, and hopefully open minded also. The comments here are appropriate, and I'm sure if you follow the advice, you will become even more so. :) arum

Answer 8

i love it!
you could proof read it a bit or have somebody else do it. there is just the odd glitch.

nice sample. if your worried about theft then a sample like this is enough.

Answer 9

Feedback (close minded) : Forget writing.

Answer 10

AWSOME! Next installment please? :) I want to read the whole book.

I am loving it...will reread it again later.

Thanks for the offer! I love to read and your story is really really interesting.