Parental Alienation...what can I do about it?

Question

Here's the Reader's Digest version...My ex and I split some time ago. During our time together we brought a beautiful little girl into the world. Although my time with her (my daughter that is) was brief...I've remained a part of her life as much as I'm allowed to be. My ex has since remarried....however, I've noticed over the years (about 10 to be more precise) my daughter grows more and more distant from me. As I said before....I'm there for her as I'm allowed (meaning...what is stated in our custody arrangement). I know that my daughter's mother does not put me in high regards when the two of them talk, and I feel like I'm slowly being cast aside. I've given my daughter no reason to dislike me...(i.e. presents @ x-mas time, visits to see me, weekly phone calls...etc.). I feel that my child is alienated from me due to her mother's protest of me. Is there a way that I can handle this delicate situation with class? I don't fight, or raise my voice ever...but it hurts so much.

For the sake of some misunderstanding on one of the posts here. I am her father...When I speak of "mother" it is my child's natural mother. Sorry if I didn't make this more clear.

One more thing to add...When I say, "weekly phone calls"...I do mean once a week. That is all I am allowed to call her. Crazy, I know. I do not live in the same state as her either. She visits me every summer. I also pay alot of child support on top of all this....plus extra money for school activities, clothes...and braces that she'll be getting soon.

I thank you all for your responses...I'm seeing things in a different light already.

Answer 1

i can totally understand what ur going thru to an extent, my ex husband is doing the same only difference is my kids are younger my oldest 8 isnt alienated he knows whats going on, but my 6 yr old doesnt, i gave custody to my ex becuz he could provide better financial stability for them, the only thing i can advise is try to get the courts to get her into counseling , i know alot of ppl say the mother's opinion of you doesnt alter ur daughters opinion but they r wrong , especially since u dont have alot of true contact with her, a parent has a huge advantage over a child and is very persuassive especially a daughter as she is very emotional growing up. i do agree to speaking to her (ur daughter) and asking if shes upset with u but dont question her on what mom's saying, that only would make it harder, then its a matter of choosing sides, its great u dont belittle the mom and granted it may take awhile but as long as your remain there for her it will work out in the end. is she allowed to call you? i no court order says u can call once a week but why not ask her to call u once in awhile? that u miss and love her. im not saying stop calling her by no means but shes old enuff to call u. and if she has a cell phone it should be free to call u. if u try this and find out the mother is stopping her from calling u then yes its alienating, and id seek legal advise. im sry u have to go thru this , ill pray for you , and hope it all works out, GOD BLESS

Answer 2

If your ex is giving your daughter the impression that you aren't the greatest guy, big deal. Just be real with your daughter when you get to see her. Don't talk bad about her mom.

When I was a kid my parents divorced and I went to live with my dad. He NEVER badmouthed my mom. Although I don't have a good relationship with him, I really respect that about him.

Most people figure out, or at least subconsciously know, that people who complain are really complaining about themselves.

One day your daughter will be grown up and see her mother as always being the complainer, but you not so.

Most people also at some time figure out that it's all about perspective. It's not simply you were bad and she was good. Mom has taken the perspective that that's the case. You're not doing so. That doesn't mean you agree. It means that you choose not to live in the past, judge others, and complain.

Anyway, people get alienated for no apparent reason. It may have absolutely no connection to divorce or custody.

Answer 3

I'm not sure of your circumstances but your daughter isn't being alienated from you solely due to her mother's protests. She is forming her own opinions based on her own experiences. She's not getting enough time with you for whatever reason to remain close to you. Weekly phone calls? Why not several times a week? See her and talk with her as much as you can. Be a real part of her life instead of hanging on the outskirts. Invite her over for dinner and a movie or take her out, to dinner, to the zoo, to the museum, wherever. Listen to her when she talks and have real conversations with her. Laugh with her. Focus on her. She's a part of you, a treasure you helped to create. Care for her. Get to know her these days and let her get to know you. She's changing as she grows.

Answer 4

It's commendable that you spend that much time with your daughter despite the circumtances. But her step dad is in her life more than you are. It may not be that your daughter is trying to alienate you. It may be that she is partial to him more that a lack of affection for her natural father. Her mom may be making unkind remarks about you, maybe not. It's hard to be the kind of parent you want to be in the fashion you are doing it in. Not impossible, but diffcult. Just make the best of the time you and your daughter have together because you can not control what is being said about you,( if indeed that is what is going on ). . Be the best dad you can be ; your daughter knows you are making an effort.

Answer 5

First - and perhaps foremost - she's getting into "the wonder years" of pre-adolescence...and soon adolescence itself. She's going to be trying to find herself during this time and there may be occasions when she seems distant and not interested in much of anything that you say or do.

You may be correct about your ex not being very supportive, but that will be come less and less of a factor as she gets older IF - and this is a big IF - you play it cool and don't try and push her into being more responsive. Just be there for her. Know when big events come up in her life that involve school, sports, or special interests, and take a sincere interest. You don't necessarily have to be at all of them, but at least know about them and why they are important to her.

Your real opportunity to develop a relationship with her will be in her later teens and twenties. She'll understand that a large part of who she is has to do with you and she'll want to stay in touch with that. Your adult relationship with her can be lifelong and rewarding.

Answer 6

Sweet heart are you sure its because of her mom? As young girls grow up they dont want to spend as much time w daddy and many arent close to daddy as the father would want them to be. At your daughters age she is able to make up her own mind about you and odds are she'd rather be w her friends then you {Im not trying to be rude} she is also smart enough to know IF her mother is bad mouthing you what is or is not true. And she can make up her mind if she wants to see you more or less. If you want to see her more go have your visitation revised, but know that even if you do this she can chose to still not hang out with you. My husband raised his daughter for 4 yrs alone the mother showed up took her out of state and filed custody, he drives 7 hours one way 2 times a month to see his daughter for a day and half and she is now going to be 7 and although she loves her dad she would rather be hanging out with her friends then spending time with him.

Answer 7

I can tell you right now, you are a good dad. i have longed to have a good dad, as you are being right now. You are going to have to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your x and her b/f husband whatever, at the same time, and just talk whats real. Tell her you feel this way and tell her you never run her down in front of your child and you never do this and that and does she because you are feeling so distant and frustrated you want to know how to fix it because its driving you nuts. You love your daughter very much and you want to know if you both can be civil to each other or tolerate each other, even if its just to agree on keeping the peace with your child, its the least she can do for you. You are not causing trouble you just want a better relationship with your child. Can she blame you for that, even though you both had differences? Then talk to your daughter, tell her you never run her mom down in front of her, you respect her as her mom, and you want her to respect you as her dad. And that means not degrading each other in front of a child!!! don't buy gifts to impress your child, do it with love. Tell her a hug will fix it right up, or an ice cream or how about a mushy kiss, its all in how you present it to the child. They need you and you need them. Show it without using gifts, otherwise what message are you sending the little ones, oh its ok if daddy screws up as long as you get a present? Thats not the message you want here, talk to the x, and in front of her partner, he will understand what you want and he will express his feelings to her if he thinks you are unsincere about it. Trust me, it takes a lot of guts to be a parent and it takes more guts to admit when you are wrong or if you just want to be on an equal value with the x. Take care Heather

Answer 8

I'm really sorry about that... i really wish i could help. There's a lot of guys going through the same problem as you, maybe some of them could better answer your question or tell you who you could contact to get answers. Good luck to you and don't give up! That little girl is going to need you in the future so do everything in your power to keep the lines open between you two.

Answer 9

Why do you refer to your daughters step-mother as her mother? You seem to be distancing yourself from her instead of the other way around. Do you refer to her stepmother as her mother when you speak to your daughter? YOU are her mother, don't ever forget that. Talk to her, tell her how you're feeling, ask her. It's never too late to rekindle a mother/daughter bond. If she's old enough to understand, just let it all out to her. You obviously love her, don't give up hun, keep on showing her how much. She'll see that you never gave up, and hopefully she'll come around. Good luck to you.....

Oops. Sorry! I assumed wrong. I don't really know why I thought you were her mother. duh. My advise is still the same though.......don't give up. Take care hun...

Answer 10

well. if u really think that ur being cast aside BECAUSE OF UR DAUGHTER'S MOM who i think is ur ex wife. the only thing to do is to talk to ur daughter. if it does have something do with her mom, then u three should talk. if it doesn't, then just talk to her about. if she says something that makes her seem to play dumb. just observe her for awhile