Is this a good start to an essay?

Question

My biggest mistake was weight training too much, going on a dangerous diet, and never taking my education seriously.

Weight training causes many physical problems to the human body. It puts enormous stress on the human body. I started weight training because I read an article which told me about the importance of using weight training to burn fat. I had no idea about the consequences I will suffer from weight training. I began weight training 1 year ago. It was hard for my body to adjust to the amount of weight I was lifting. About four weeks into weight training the muscle mass in my upper body dramatically increased. This has left my body disproportional to my lower body. I have trouble stabilizing my body whenever I run. My running performance has decreased; with the additional muscle mass, I am not running as fast as I used to run. If I don"'"t fix this situation, this will create major problems for me in basic training. A perfect soldier is light-weight and very agile. I also

I also have pains on the right side of my hips. I get these pains once in a while. When I get pains, it bothers me a lot. By putting on a lot of muscle mass, it also increased my food consumption. Before weight training I was eating two eggs and two bread. After weight training I was eating two eggs, two breads, a large bowl of cereal, and 3 different types of fruits. I was eating enough food for three human beings. I was stressed out during the day, because now my body had to work twice as hard to handle the increased weight on my body. I got very tired, easily.


Dieting taken too seriously can be dangerous. My doctor told me I needed to lose 20lbs. I went on a diet, I planed on my own. At first I cut my meals in half. I proceed to eat one apple a day. I wasn"'"t taking in the sufficient amount of protein, vitamins and minerals. This can cause diseases and affect a person"'"s well being. I almost got into a car accident, because I was on the verge of fainting, while I was driving m

while I was driving my car. Headaches, being dehydrated, and waking up in the middle of the night were a daily routine. I lost at least five pounds a week. When a person loses more than 2 pounds a week they are loosing muscle mass. I had no idea that fifty percent of what I was losing was muscle mass. I couldn"'"t concentrate at my job. When my manager gave me a work list to do, I never finished it on time. I took longer lunch breaks, because I was really tired. I started exercising and running. I wasn"'"t eating the right foods to sustain my athletic performance. This even weakens my body further. I lungs almost collapse during one of my daily runs. I found a particular pill called hydroxycut, which was suppose to help me lose fat faster than diet and exercise alone. I took this pill eight times, everyday. I had major mood swings, because of this pill. At my job I started being really aggressive with customers and my co-workers. After three months on this dangerous diet I finally ga

gave up.

I never paid attention in class while the teacher was lecturing. I always took the easy way out in life, especially in high school. Getting an education in high school was not my tip priority. Now, at twenty one years of age, I am just starting college, behind most of my peers, academically and in my career. I never did my homework in high school, correctly. I usually went home and socialize with friends. When I had to write an essay for homework, I always copied and paste from sparknotes.com. At the moment, I have problems writing and my vocabulary is not that great. I am enrolled in remedial courses in college, because of the mistakes I made in high school. I have to work twice as hard to regain for what I lost in high school. This also affected me in the real world, notably at my job. When I worked at best buy, I was told by another co-worker to take twenty percent off a camera, which was three hundred and twenty dollars. I didn"'"t know how to do perform the math. She t

She told management about the situation. Management started cutting my hours to 10 hours a week. This ultimately led to my downfall as a person. I lost my job. I am now in six thousand dollars in debt because I never did my homework in high school.

I"'"ve learned from my mistakes. I stopped weight training. I perform cardio exercises now. I am not on a diet. I eat average, but I eat health foods. I"'"ve taken steps to further my education. I am in college and I do my homework everyday.

I appreciate any advice. My email is [e-mail]. This is a rough draft, it's a last minute essay which is due tomorrow. I haven't had any time to fully developed this essay, because i was working many hours at my job.

Answer 1

"My biggest mistake was weight training too much, going on a dangerous diet, and never taking my education seriously."

This is odd for a few reasons. First of all, you say "mistakes," but list three mistakes. Second, the three mistakes don't seem related. You need to draw a connectin between them. Last, you want to save your thesis until the end of your introduction. Here are some suggestions for improvement:

Begin your essay by discussing the kinds of mistakes we all make in life. Give some interesting examples the reader can relate to. Then end your paragraph with your thesis statement.

You can strengthen your thesis statement by tightening the focus in this way: Some mistakes can have serious consequences. I learned this lesson by weight training too much and going on a dangerous diet, which was hard on my body and lead me to neglect my education.

Answer 2

For your introduction. You need a hook. You can use a quote, but you shouldn't say your topic right out. Also, your intro should be more than one sentence.

A well known fact is that people make a lot of mistakes in their lives. Some mistakes, however, are bigger than others. For example, drunk driving, may have serious consequences. Forgetting to put your name on an assignment may have far less serious side-effects. My biggest mistake was weiht training far too much. Along with weight training, I started a dangerous diet. This contributed to my not taking my education seriously, my weight training took priority.

See? This is kinda what it should look like. It should be a little more developed and have a little more detail.

Answer 3

Dear Codex,

Never start your essay with my biggest mistake or things like that like that. It gives away what is going to be in the essay pretty early to the reader. Make the reader droll to read more and make it more interesting. You can start by,

Anyone would love to have a healthy body and that is what I desired too...

I hope it helped :) Sorry didn't read it all. Whatever I read, the content seems pretty good.

Answer 4

It's good