PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF THIS AND BE HONEST.....
Everything went wrong
I was trying to be so strong
I couldn’t hold back the tears
Cause I had so many fears
I had to stand tall
Otherwise I would just fall
Nothing went right
It was such a cold night
My true friends were there
Because they really care
The wind was so cold
But my friends were so bold
All the screaming and yelling that went on that night
I just wanted someone to hold me tight
It all happened so fast
The night ended in a flash
No one knew how if felt
It felt like someone was hitting me with a belt
Everything went wrong
I was trying to be so strong
WELL IS IT ANY GOOD? OH AND I HAVEN"T ADDED IN ANY PUNCUTATION YET
2007-02-26 14:34:45 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
You are using rhyming couplets to convey a story. Your words are just saying your emotions with out going to a deeper level. The two line rhyme is sing song. A little work on meter would give it more body. Writing is one way we get in touch with our emotions and it works like a therapy for many people.
The last four lines of your poem could be written and rewritten in any number of ways. I have just added a little more interesting imagery.
Lighted windows voices unconcerned,
Bruised and bruises is where I turn.
Upside down and where is out.
I struggled my voice and let it shout.
Don't ignore punctuation. Use it as a tool. The more you write, the better you will become. Read what others write. Rather than expressing your emotions, write to communicate and that will express what and who you are.
2007-02-26 15:13:59 · answer #1 · answered by Edward W 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's got a good thought behind it...
It is a little too rhyme oriented. Let your ideas flow out, don't always worry so much about using those cliche rhyming words. Tight/night etc. is a bit annoying, it seems kind of immature or something. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm sure you have a ton of potential. It's all about stepping outside of comfort zones. Keep on keeping on.
2007-02-26 15:00:21 · answer #2 · answered by darksideofthemoon 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
To me thought it was really awesome it really made sense most of the poems i read are sometimes unable to understand
2007-02-26 14:39:54 · answer #3 · answered by PrincessC 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really liked it. It held my attention. I would like more added to it to finish the thoughts.
2007-02-26 14:45:56 · answer #4 · answered by Jodi 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, your En is much better than mine, however, it doesn't look like a real poem, frankly speaking. it's a doggerel.
2007-02-26 14:39:34 · answer #5 · answered by Gone 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's really good. And it seems personal, which makes it better.
2007-02-26 14:38:05 · answer #6 · answered by greenday3779 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
a little to rhymy if u no what i mean, but really deep and sweet
2007-02-26 14:37:39 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Excellent....very very good!!
2007-02-26 14:45:20 · answer #8 · answered by yahoo 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋