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Question

A tall, thin boy walked swiftly down the dark alley of 32nd Street. He knew it was dangerous and he kicked himself for having stayed out so late. He was still two blocks from his apartment building. Suddenly he remembered that he had promised to call his friend, Alistair. He quickly pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and secretly felt relieved at having an excuse to call someone as he walked home. The phone rang twice before Alistair answered.
“Hello, Asher, is that you?” said a sleepy voice.
“Yeah, sorry, I forgot to call earlier,” replied Asher, trying to be as quiet as possible without whispering, “We're meeting at Otto's place at four o'clock tomorrow. I'm meeting Riley for coffee at Tito's before that though, if you want to join us.”
“Nah, I can't. Besides, it's awkward being with just the two of you; you kind of focus on each other,” laughed Alistair, “And don't even try to deny it. Anyway, four o'clock. I'll be there. Do Sophie and Lexi know?”
“Um, I think so, I'll call and make sure though,” Asher answered just as his phone flashed INCOMING CALL, “Hey, someone else is calling, so I'll see you tomorrow.”
“Alright, see ya,” Alistair said and hung up the phone.
Asher's phone flashed RILEY and he quickly answered, once again relieved to talk to someone, especially Riley, though he was now only a half block away.
“Hey,” he said into the phone. He could see his breath in the cold air.
“Hey,” Riley said, “We're still meeting at Tito's tomorrow right?”
“Yeah, I mean if you still want to,” replied Asher, hoping she hadn't found something else to do. He didn't think she would have though, because they had always met at Tito's before going to Otto's place.
“Oh, yeah, I was just making sure,” Riley said quickly, “Did you tell Alistair what time we were going to Otto's? You hadn't told me yet, when he called, and I couldn't tell him.”
“Yeah, I just got off the phone with him,” Asher answered, taking out the key to his apartment door, “Would you mind letting Sophie and Lexi know? I'm just getting home and I think my mom's already back from the hospital.”
“Sure, that's no problem. I actually have to talk to Sophie anyway. Well, I better call them before it's too late. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?” she said in a sugary tone.
“Alright, I'll see you then, bye,” Asher said hanging up the phone. He walked into his apartment and was happy to see his mom asleep on the couch. She was a nurse in the emergency room and needed all the sleep she could get. Plus, he didn't really feel like talking to her at the moment. He went into his room and closed the door quietly.
The apartment was small, but big enough for his mother and himself. He threw his bag down and fell onto his bed. He thought about the meeting tomorrow and about meeting Riley before that. There hadn't been a meeting for a while and he and Riley hadn't spent a lot of time together. He wouldn't admit he liked her, even to himself. They had dated in middle school, but the relationship had quickly ended when Riley's parents didn't approve. He had thought he had gotten over her and they were just good friends, but, according to his friends, that was not the case. Still wondering about the whole thing, he slowly drifted off to sleep.

This is only the very first part and it is still unedited. Just looking for ratings, suggestions, comments, etc. Anything will be appreciated, thanks!

Answer 1

You need a main character with some sort of dilemna that needs to be solved. A good guy and a bad guy. You need to grab the reader's attention with it right off the bat. Lots of work to be done before you try to polish this up. I'd say that you may have potential, but get yourself some help and read a lot of books.

Answer 2

It's kinda confusing you need to give more detail of his surroudings and you add a lot of people who we don't know who they r yet in right at the beginning but otherwise than that i thought it was good.

Answer 3

cool, i'm waiting for the complete book to appear