My husband had an erectile dysfunction surgery done... I think it is not successful. I am still a virgin and he always blame it on me that I am tight so thats why things are not working out..... by the way it was an arranged marriage... . Please give me good advise.....I feel so embaraced to talk to anyone...
2007-02-26 10:08:48 · 17 answers · asked by maria 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First is your hubby getting a erection? Is he able to keep the erection for more than a couple of minutes?
If he is, then that isn't the problem.
Second, he may be right about you being tight. If you are too nervous, the muscles might be tightening so that penetration cannot occur. Are you afraid of it hurting? Are you sexually attracted to this man? If you aren't getting sexually excited & having enough foreplay, then penetration isn't going to be easy then, either.
You & hubby are going to have to work on this together. And stop placing blame on each other. It is BOTH of your problem because you are now married, arranged or not.
If you have access to a library, go get some books. And if you have to, talk to your doctor. You are going to have to try & relax. Grimmacing and bracing yourself isn't going to help. And if you loathe this man to touch you, having sex with him is going to be a terrible chore.
Hubby is also going to have to try to enter a little at a time until full penetration can be succeeded.
2007-02-26 10:24:21 · answer #1 · answered by weddrev 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is there someone who can be even handed that you both could go to speak with. It doesn't help to blame each other. Focus on your mutual feelings of frustration with the SITUATION not with each other. Then it is a problem that you two can confront together instead of coming at it from different directions.
It really does sound like this is an issue you both need to sit down and talk over with someone who can work with you. Sex doesn't necessarily come easily - it is something that is learned. Neither of you should feel inadequate - you just haven't learned about this yet. It's okay.
If you can't speak with anyone, but would feel comfortable reading there are a lot of books you could order online (to avoid embarrassment). You mentioned this is an arranged marriage so perhaps there are books within your culture or faith to help.
There are also books like, "Your Long Erotic Weekend" which go through exercise by exercise to help you. There's another book called, "The Gift of Sex" that might be helpful.
Please don't feel bad about yourself OR your husband. This is just an issue you need to confront together - be supportive of one another and you'll be fine.
2007-02-26 10:19:00 · answer #2 · answered by Shrieking Panda 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't ever believe what he says about it being your fault. Take no guilt for his shortcomings. Many men have these problems...it is nothing to be ashamed of or blame on anyone else. Maybe he is so shy about himself that it causes him to have erectile disfunction. The way many men and women cannot have an orgasm until they are completely comfortable with their partner...which may take months and months. If you care for him, even though it is arranged...Just be patient and see what happens. Never make him feel bad about it, that would only make him feel worse and postpone the problem. Seriously try a little more foreplay and see if less pressure to perform would keep him aroused longer. Its only been two months after all... if its still this way in 6 months after you've been patient and tried many things..then something may be really wrong. Just get close to eachother and his problem may magically dissappear.
2007-02-26 10:28:39 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok. If this surgery did not work - he can take Viagra - I've rarely known that not to work. But it could just be pressure and stress. If threre is a lot of stress over this new marriage or your husband feels pressured to perform sexually - there could be a mental fear holding him back - it could not be a physical problem at all. As for the excuse that you are too tight - have him use his fingers on you a couple times and that won't be an issue anymore. That will loosen you up. Try to relax, massage him before you try to get sexual. Make sure you are both comfortable and relaxed before you try to have sex.
2007-02-26 10:15:42 · answer #4 · answered by Margaret M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The reason why he is blaming it on you is because people who are wrong tend to blame everyone else but THEMSELVES!!! And, besides, he is the one who had erectile surgery because something was so wrong with him that he needed surgery. It is not your fault. If you can tell a priest or something or go to some type of counseling, then you can get a lot done.
2007-02-26 13:58:42 · answer #5 · answered by uchaboo 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It has been proven that stress will cause things not to work well. You have to help him relax and provide a sense of calmness. He is very frustrated and most likely feels that he is not a man. More important he feels that he is letting YOU down. Men care very much about a women's perception of them. They say they don't but they do.
Why do you think they stick with there moms as boys. You are a beautiful women made by GOD there is nothing wrong with you. Don't you carry his insecurities. That's between him and GOD
2007-02-26 10:21:53 · answer #6 · answered by Dee 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Arranged marriage? Sweetie the reason things are not working out is there's no love. Unless you are the in the royal family just get an annulment and go out there looking for the one that loves you and the one more importantly YOU LOVE and then your sex will be wonder full Trust me sex with out love is just sex sex with love is the most amazing thing you'll ever experience. Go find your real love baby!!!!
2007-02-26 10:20:13 · answer #7 · answered by kevin_girl666 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have him go back to the doctor to get himself fixed for the botched surgery.
Both of you need counseling.
If he is unwilling to do either of those two things, divorce him. Seriously. You don't need this crap; arranged marriage or not. It's been two months. That's long enough. There more here wrong than just the sex.
2007-02-26 10:14:01 · answer #8 · answered by Nancy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
2 months...humm....Lubricate, lubricate and lubricate. He obviously is still having a problem with longevity and instead of admitting there is a problem, it's easy to blame it on you. I suggest lots of foreplay for you and him. Maybe try not to have him penetrate the first couple times and just work on building up to it. It may help you both if you aren't so focused on the "problem".
2007-02-26 10:14:53 · answer #9 · answered by ireallydoknowitall 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is not your fault that he can't function! Don't you believe him and don't let him destroy how you feel about yourself! He is a jerk and is blaming you for something that nobody can control. He has some serious issues and you need to think about finding yourself a nicer, kinder man who will love you just as you are.
2007-02-26 10:11:43 · answer #10 · answered by Kyle 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋