Would You be offended if your husband said this to you?

Question

My husband of 7 years said to me the other day that we have a double standard that needs to be taken care of. He said that why is it that when U make money on the side that it is extra money and when he gets a raise it is regular money. He continued to tell me that he should be able to put money aside weekly for him and him alone. Any money that I make (which isn't much, I am a stay at home mom as per his request) I spend on the family not myself. I feel that I am a good wife. I don't spend a lot of money. In fact, I spend $5.00 a week on myself for coffee when I take my daughter to storytime at Barnes and Knobles.
My husband makes plenty of money and there is always enough in our accounts after I pay the bills. Would anyone else be offended by how he said this?

Let me also add in the fact that I did not ask or want to stay home. I had a very good career in real estate making 100k a year (my husband makes 60k) He made me quit my job.

Answer 1

You both need your own money to spend. Sit down, decide what you can afford and make a budget for it. My husband and I did that and we agreed that we should both get the same amount. It's worked out really well. He generally takes his "allowance" and spends it right away. I like to squirrel it away for a rainy day and spend without guilt!
Since he works and you're a stay at home mom, you both do full time jobs. You both deserve to be paid. You both deserve to have your own spending money!

Answer 2

He didn't make you quit, he voiced an opinion that he wanted a wife to stay at home with the child, and you agreed to it. So, having far less money to work with, would naturally make someone want to save. I think what you should do, is that raise that he got, put that money into an account for both of you, save some money and take a vacation together. You could also do that with a smaller amount of the money you earn. Are you sure your husband didn't want you working because you were bringing in more than him? Most guys don't handle the woman having more earning power, even though that is an insecurity on their part. I also think you may have misunderstood the comment he made regarding regular/extra money. Don't let this situation ruin your marriage, money issues/the handling of money are top reasons people argue/fight. Money is very controlling, the more there is, the more options for control show up. Instead of fighting about nickels and dimes, try my suggestion and do something for your family, also, each of you should have some pocket money to spend on yourself, no questions asked about what you did with your allowance, you could save if you want, or spend it all if you want, but setting aside maybe 25-30 dollars apiece for a weeks allowance isn't much to ask, that's 5-6 bucks a day. Good luck, I hope things work out for you two.

Answer 3

Even though you were making more money, your family will benefit way more by the ability you have to stay at home. Your child is going to be more than blessed by this experience. And you are very lucky. I wish I could have the opportunity to stay at home and be there for my child. Heck, I'd be happy if I could have just a part time home while he was in school. No matter what the financial difference is, you both agreed to it, and it really is so good for your daughter.
When he gets a raise it is regular money. It is to support your family. As far as the extra money you get, I think it is kind of silly for him to stress it, but maybe you two should go ahead and look at that extra money. You could write down exactly how it gets spent and show him that he is on the wrong track. I am sure he gets opportunities to buy himself coffee and whatnot.
When you are a family and functioning on one income. All that income is for the family. It is not a time to be selfish and worrying about "me". Maybe he should take five dollars a week for himself to have a coffee or whatever if it makes him feel better.
I wouldn't be offended, but I would make some notes of where money was spent so he could see that I wasn't being frivolous with the money. Maybe he is going through something right now, and just stressing over the wrong things.

Answer 4

yeah I can see how you can be offended. The thing is do you stay home at his request. I thought marriage was a one body type thing. He should be allowed to put money away for just him but at the same time he needs to make sure you are doing it for you. If he says hey you get what you want when you want it then do just that get what you want when you want it.Start a collections of 20's for when you decide that control is just not your way of life and he will see the difference between the two of you. So good luck to your new piggy bank and be sure to spend yours on you and no one else. IF he gives you 40 dollars and you are off spending and he calls wanting some food or whatever clarify that he is going to have to come off more money to pay you back. Work it to your favor and also give him his way. It will get old to him and you will have started a savings.

Answer 5

A lot of uncertainty here. You and he need to discuss a few things before you take offense. How does he define "extra money"? Why does he call it "extra money" when you say you're spending it on the family? What would he do with his "him alone" money that he can't do now with the plenty left over after the bills are paid? If he's the one earning almost all the money is there some reason he feels he doesn't have enough control of it? Explore some of these questions with him, without taking an offended tone, and see if you can work out a solution.

Answer 6

I think your husband was way out of line for saying what he said. He is an honorable person for wanting you to stay home but for him to throw money in your face kind of takes it all away, you know what I mean? Perhaps it was just a bad moment for him. Since you said you have plenty of money left over after you pay the bills I would start giving him $25, 35, 50, whatever you can afford for him to have as money on him to do whatever he wants with. I think you should have the equal amount for yourself as well. I do see his point since he goes and makes a living that he should have some spending cash but you are contributing just as much and saving your household hundreds of dollars a month by being at home.

I think you two can work this out and both feel good about it. Good luck, hon!

Answer 7

It sounds like a little "me-me" selfishness has crept between your hubby and you. Anything or anyone who places a wedge between you and your spouse is destructive and should be stopped. It makes sense to me that every penny go into one pot and the following be done: $ for bills, $ for retirement, $ for vacations, $ for kids future, $ savings, then $ as "Mad Money", which would cover incidentals like....
lunch with friends, golf tournament, weekend outting with galfriends, fishing with buddies, new necklace, new suit for work, lottery tickets, books, dollar store items....
And not just do the :"x" amount for me and "x" for you deal. It will never be and should not be 100% equal. It is a finite amount each month, and stay within the budget. Things have to be planned and agreed to ahead of time - no last minute "just got asked to go out of town with the boys" arguement. Plan ahead. Try to not use up all the MadMoney, what is left over goes toward next month. Money should never be used as power or authority over another person. As a couple, you are both inviting splitting your income into two separate "enemy camps".

Your husband means well, but he is acting like he is being deprived of some fun in spending money on himself, and that you don't work as hard as he does, therefore, he deserves rights to the money more than you do. That spells trouble. Please talk with your Pastor, Priest, or mutual friend who can best keep the lines of communication open while you, as a couple, address some of the real issues behind this money control thing.

Best to you!
022607 3:33

Answer 8

I would be offended. He requested you to not work outside the home, leaving his income, raises and all, as part of the household monies. Any thing you get on the side, such as occasional babysitting jobs or at home typing term papers used for family is the same as his household income. If you were to use your/his money to purchase a lottery ticket and won then I'd say a split of 50/50 would be fair for each of you to spend or save, but not the regular income.

Answer 9

I think you should confront your husband about your problem. You should tell him how your feel that you should maybe have a little more than $5.00 a week to buy stuff for yourself. If he thinks he gets some money (hopefully more than $5.00) and that you shouldn't, then maybe you should get a small part time job and show him that "fine if you wont give me money i can get my own, see if i care". This might result in him telling you that you need to "spend more time with the kids" or something similar. Then you should tell him that you want some money for yourself to buy things other than coffee once a week, then you will do what you want to get it!!!

hope this helps

Answer 10

That's a double standard alright and yes, I'd be a little more than offendede. Especially if you stay at home because he wanted that. I can see him putting extra money back but it should be viewed as both of yours, not his. Ask him for spending money since he requests that you don't work. Even kids doing chores are given an allowance, for all you do, you should too!!!