Are there any women out there who were married to emotionally and verbally abusive men and now hate them?

Question

I was married for 5 years to a man who was later diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and while I know he is emotionally messed up, I find it hard to NOT feel completely disgusted and angry all the time about him. I have no desire to get involved with another man and my husband and I have been apart for over a year. Don't say see a shrink- I have... I would just like to know how other women have dealt with similar situations and feelings. THANKS!

Answer 1

I was married for 18 years to a man with BPD. It was absolute hell and I may actually never get over the verbal and physical and psychological abuse. I feel sorry for him that he will never find a loving relationship that is truly good.

I have moved on and found the most loving and wonderful man that could possibly come into my life - especially after my ex. Now I find that, yes, I do hate my ex. I hate him for taking so much of my life away and for so much damage to my soul. I gave him everything that I had for all of those years. I did every single thing that a loving wife could do - and it still happened. I hate him for all of those tears and all of the bruises. I hate him for destroying my life and the lives of our daughters. We still jump and startle easily when there are loud noises. I am not nearly as strong as I should be at my age because I am always fearful. BPD is a horrible thing that ruins people's lives in so many ways.

Yes, I know he's sick and really can't help himself, but that doesn't make it any easier on me. I find that even hearing his voice sets me on edge. I try to block out all of those years in order to move on. The love I have now was worth waiting for and I cherish it all the more because I remember what I had. I do find, though, that I have to be told that I'm loved often because I'm so used to the "love" or "hate" that alternated with my ex. I never felt good enough even though I was a wonderful wife and mother.

Answer 2

yes i was married to an emotionally abusive controlling man, yes i had no desire either to get involved with anyone after the divorce. its because of the way he treated u and u lost all faith, and may be worried u will get the same type again. but at some point u have to get back out there and meet new people, because all men are not like that, and next time u will be able to see it ahead of time. don't let what happened to u steal your confidence and rob u of a future. your destiny is not tied to what he did to u. why let the past determine your future. once we have been with a guy like that i think we do tend to loose hope in others, always thinking we will again attract the same type.u didn't see it at first, neither did i, they hide those things very well. but life is long, and life is alot easier if we are in a relationship and have someone. being alone gets old.

Answer 3

I dealt with this kind of a man and husband in my first marriage and trust me it was not fun at all. I was scared to death of him and my nerves were always on edge. He ended up taking his own life and our marriage ended in tragedy. no i never hated him but i did resent him and he never did change. He only got worse. We never went to counseling or help for our marriage either bt now looking back i wish we did. I cannot bring him back to us but i do not hate him at all . If anything i wish he would come back to my kids and that we could be friends even though we could not be married. When they are gone like this you miss them and wish things could have been way different. He did not realize he even had a problem with his anger until it was too late. You do need more counseling and therapy and of course time to heal from all of this and to be able to move on with your life someday. Healing takes time and so does letting go and forgiveness. I can feel your pain and i know what you are going through. Here comes lots of hugs to you today. I am here if you need someone to talk to as well.

Answer 4

my mom was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my dad for over 30 years. it ended with him leaving her for a younger woman.
she was very upset/angry by it and it became difficult to talk to her at the time. she ended up marrying someone who rarely talks at all, and is still bothered by my fathers presence at family gatherings.
I don't think it's anything you can get past quickly, but you should put the situation into perspective -- 5 years isn't too bad, you still have your whole life in front of you. Don't take it out on other men, they're not all bad! It will take time.

Answer 5

Yes, you feel hate for them , it's not your fault that he has this disorder. Women start hating a man they once loved because you get damn tired of being knocked around, black eyes go to work you tell them you walked into a door, you have a right to feel disgusted that you had to be the punching bag. A shrink knocks his wife around don't see them, I'll tell you what you will be leery of every man you meet and you'll find yourself testing them out by being hateful to them. I know exactly what your talking about, that is the reason I always say find a wealthy older man their good to you and the best sex you have ever dreamed of having.I know people call me a gold digger , well I would rather dig for that gold than to dig myself out from under a chair where I had been knocked. You have already had this young love now is the time to find that pot of gold and be treated like a queen , older men are good to you, they compliment you , not run you down. I'll take a man 12 or 15 years older than me any old day and if I found one I liked I'd go for 60 year, hell make it 70 just as long as they are good to me . not tight , sharp dresser and love to spend money on you. I'll take a older man any old day, as I said "I'd rather be a old man's sweetheart than young man slave or punching bag.
'slave

Answer 6

I have been there, my ex was just the same way and I dealt with it for six years. It really has taken me awhile to get over it and now that I am in another relationship I find myself not being as good of person as I would like to be because of all the abuse. I am seeking help for it though.

Answer 7

That is a tough situation. I have family that it has happened to. But you must know, it is not only men who act this way. It happens to men also. The best thing you can do is educate yourself and try to be more forgiving. It is an illness that has ruined many a relationship before diagnosis. Alot of times they do not know why they do the things they do. Do not let this contaminate future relationships. Email me if you have any questions or want to talk!

Answer 8

If women weren't so damned unappreciative, manipulative, sneaky, vindictive, immature, untrustworthy, dishonest and just plain evil then the majority of men with mental issues never would have developed their problems in the first place.

The major contributing factors that lead to men developing mental illnesses is (1) their relationship with their Mother and (2) their relationships with other women. That's documented fact, do the research.

If you can't be adult enough, woman enough, and have backbone enough to love a man regardless of his problems, and have the intelligence to protect and nurture him to help keep his instability under control... then he's better off without you. There is no in-between when it comes to being with a disturbed man, you are either part of the problem or part of the solution.

Answer 9

AND....what happens if it's the woman who is bi-polar wrecking our childs life and ruining mine at the same time like clock work on a weekly schedule...why do the men keep getting bashed for this huh? My ex-wife wrecked my psersonal credit and professional credit...going into fits...attacking in the office ...abduction of our son...lying to everyone...friends of mine...BP people are amazingly convicing liars...and now our son is afraid to even disagree with her....she has flung things, hit me...ripped rooms apart...then used sex to make it all ok...then starts up again the next week....even her immediate famioly asked me...."how can you put up with her so long"

Answer 10

I was in an controlling and verbally abusive man for almost 6 years. It took me a long time, seven years in fact, to forgive him and move on. I always had so much anger inside of me for him that it wasn't healty for me and it was effecting my life.