Was I wrong for asking my wife to try to lose some weight and just be more active with her life?

Question

Been together for 5 years and married for almost 3 years. We have 3 children together. Our youngest is almost six months.
This would be the second time I've ever asked her to start working on loosing some weight. And now she wants to file devorce papers and she doesn't want me to see the kids anymore. All I want is for her to be more active with herself and make an effert to want to change the way she looks. She was fine when I first met her but now I don't know. Am I asking to much of her?

Answer 1

You aren't wrong. It is not wrong for you to want your wife to be healthy and there for her children when they get older. No way are you asking too much. Good luck and talk it out. There is no reason to throw away your lives together just because of a concern!

Answer 2

Yes. When you say that, she hears that she is fat and ugly and you don't love her the way she is, that your love for her is conditional on how she looks and that's not the marriage she thought she was getting into. Particularly with just having a baby 6 months ago, she is no doubt very sensitive about her weight and it doesn't come off as easily after the first one.

My answer is also no. You sound like a jerk who is concerned about his wife's looks, but I'll let you in on a secret anyway. There's a right way and a wrong way to bring weight up to someone. You obviously know at this point, that you did it the wrong way. Oh well, it was a 50/50 shot. The right way is to say that you love her and you love that her amazing body brought your 3 kids into the world, but you are concerned that her health is going to suffer if she keeps some of the weight on and that it's not a good example to set for your kids if she's not being active. This is all assuming that she is at an unhealthy weight (check out her BMI online) and that she's inactive. Also make sure it is not the pot calling the kettle black. Are you making demands of her that you aren't keeping up? Have you gained weight since the beginning of your relationship? Maybe you should try to lose a few LBs yourself.

If she's at a healthy weight, just not a sexy weight according to you and she is being active and trying to lose weight, she doesn't need your criticism and you are just an *** and maybe she should drop about 180 pounds...you!

Answer 3

First I would side with her. You were an *** to say such a thing. She is your wife and she has had 3 of your kids. It is bound to happen that she would gain some weight after giving birth three times. If the youngest child is 6 months old it is likely the other children are toddlers. It is important to be healthy but when would she have time taking care of three babies to take care of herself?

You should have first made sure that you went to her in a 100% loving and non-judge mental frame of mind about her weight issues. Then, if you were serious about wanting to help her, you should have bought her a membership to an all women's gym and volunteered to watch the kids at least three nights a week for her--NO COMPLAINING. You could have checked out some healthy recipes that you as a family could adopt and make regularly. Lastly, you should have never forgotten to tell your wife how much you love her (despite her weight) and how beautiful you still think she is. If you weren't/aren't willing to comply with that, you should have never brought it up.

Answer 4

It is probably a bit extreme for her to want to file divorce papers right away. However, if your youngest is only six months old, she's still got some crazy, raging hormones running through her blood. It can be really hard when you feel like your husband doesn't think you are attractive and if I were in her situation, that's how I'd be feeling. Having a kid/baby whatever, only makes it worse.

Is there a way you could be a little more subtle about it all? Like maybe get a family gym membership or something?

Maybe you need to ask yourself if you are still attracted to her and can you stay in love with her no matter how she looks. She's probably just going through a rough spot and on top of that, you've asked her to more to change the way she looks.

Answer 5

No, you're not asking too much from her. But you have to remember, she just had a baby not even a year ago. A woman's weight gain during pregnancy is not very controllable. After, she can do something about it. But then again, it's hard now cause she has 3 children to look after.
How big is she anyway? Is she actually overweight, or just too big for your preferences? If she is just a little big still cause of recently having a baby, give her a couple more months to work on it. It's hard to lose the baby fat once you've got it!
And explain to her you are concerned for her health. Leading a non-active life is detrimental to a woman's health. And don't make her feel ugly. Tell her that even though you would like for her to lose the weight, she is still the beautiful mother of your children (even if you don't mean this) she'll be more apt to lose the weight for you.

Hope this helped! ♥

Answer 6

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Answer 7

Maybe you weren't "wrong", but more likely, insensitive. It all comes down to your approach. It's very easy to tell someone else what they "should" do. It's harder to ask them what THEY want to do. If she's overweight, she knows it without you telling her. By pointing it out, you hurt her feelings and put her on the defensive. And frankly, with 3 kids in 5 years, one only 6 months old, how realistic are YOU? Her body has been used as a rooming house for over 2 years of pregnancy. Try it sometime --- oh wait, you CAN'T --- and you'll see just how much your body can change.

You had an opportunity to make a positive approach. Like, "Here honey! I got you a membership in a gym, and I will babysit all three kids while you go." My God, the words wouldn't be out of your mouth before she'd grab the car keys and RUN, not walk, to have some time for herself. But instead you criticized her.

Learn some diplomatic skills, for starters. And ask yourself how you'd feel if she just pointed out everything wrong with YOUR body. It's a personal attack, no matter how well intended.

People respond better to positive reinforcement. I'm sure you're learning this with your kids. Try it out on your wife. Be supportive and kind, rather than critical and harsh. You'll both feel better about it.

Answer 8

Hi, as someone who has been told that I can tell you that its hurtful. I work 9 to 11 hours. I still have to come home do all the chores, cook, go grocery shopping, pay bills and be cheerful etc...

I'm only 10 lbs over my ideal weight, I know I need to exercise and take care of my body to be more attractive to my husband, but you tell me where do I find the time to do this in top of all the things that I still have to do.

Now that I'm expecting a baby is even harder, yet I'm still expected to do all that.

Now think about your wife, do you help around the house with the chores? When you come home do you offer to take care of the kids so she can go and work out?

Or are you the type of husband that doesn't help around and still expects to find an attractive woman at home.

Also you fail to mention if she work, I doubt she can find the time to do that.

If you are not helping maybe you should stop complaining and help around the house.

Think of herself esteem, I'm sure she knows she needs to loose the weight and she certainly doesn't need your complaining. She needs your support.

Answer 9

Sounds like you both have been through alot of life together.
Women go through alot more than just gaining weight when they have children. If your youngest is 6mo. old; she probably is just
getting back to feeling normal again. A more loving approach would be to have a discussion with her to find out what's causing her to gain weight in the first place. If you love and support her through this she might have a different view on why you want her to lose the weight. It's definetly not a reason to get a divorce! Sometimes just a little bit of TLC and trying to see things from her perspective does wonders!

Answer 10

What most men don't seem to realize is that a woman will try her best to look good for her husband/boyfriend all of the time.
You men have no right to criticize us women. You guys don't look all that great with the weight that you gain but we don't put you down because of it. We fell in love with your inner beauty not only your outer beauty. Why can't you guys do the same? And also, your wife has had three children with you. She has also been there by your side when you needed her to be. She married and fell in love with you because she seen and fell in love with the inner you not only the outer you. And I would think that you would have fallen in love with her the same way. Beauty on the inside will last and stay around for ever. But the outer beauty only last for a while. If a person is only interested in the outer beauty then that person is going to stay very,very unhappy & lonely.

Answer 11

Tell her if she'll walk on the treadmill you'll study for your spelling test this Friday. (It's "lose weight", not "loose weight", my man.)

It all depends on how you pitch it.

If you walk by with your shirt off showing off that muffin top and those b*tch t*ts while sucking down beer # 17 for the weekend, and toss out, "Hey lard a s s , how's about dropping a couple of tons?" - then she probably won't respond very well.

If you say, "I care about both of us, and you specifically. I want us to be together, and one way to do that and last longer and feel great is for us to both get in better shape. So I got us both a gym membership. How do you feel about us going together and having fun working out on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays? They have child care for free and we can go and have fun together." It might go over better that way. If you think women are not painfully aware of their own body shape, then you are a complete doofus. She knows just exactly what she looks like. Doesn't mean she's happy with it.

In the meantime, what has she asked you to do that you haven't changed yet? Work on yourself for a while, Mr. Wonderful. You could stand some improving, too, I am sure.