I feel like I don't want to try something incase I fail at it and be considered a 'failure'. But then it leaves me very unhappy because there's so many things I like doing and think I'd be great at. Will I wake up some day and find my life has passed me by? I'm 24 and feel 'old'. Not physically, but I'm married with a house and 2 dogs. I don't even work (I study). My husband has a good job.
I'd love to pick up my violin or sing in front of everyone cause I love it (and I'm pretty good too) but sooo afraid. My husband encourages me but he doesn't get that I'm so self-conscious. I envy him for doing what he loves. Am I alone?
2007-02-26 07:06:18 · 6 answers · asked by cloclo 2 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
I just have to really thank everyone here for your thoughts. I have read them all so far and you all have some wonderful inputs. I really like it when people speak from the soul. Thank you all so much. And you're all very right. My biggest fear is of fear itself.
2007-02-26 08:18:46 · update #1
(Writing this almost made me shed tears. I'm really sorry for the length - I'm trying hard to cut down. I like Lindsay's comment + the lady who came last in the marathon... extremely touching.)
At the very least, you are not afraid to ask the question.
If you are unhappy because there are so many things you could be great at, and that if you do not cherish them life will pass you by (that's true), then you must listen to your feelings. Do not sacrifice your happiness for the sake of your fears. You will actually hurt a lot of people in your life if you do this.
If you have these gifts, like your violin & your voice, and you do not develop them and share them with those you love, don't you think that your loved ones lose an opportunity for joy and pride to receive those gifts?
If you feel unhappy and afraid, don't you think this affects your husband, your friends, and your family??? Just because you do not tell them in words, doesn't mean that they can't sense it in your life. Do you think your fear and unhappiness makes them happier - or sadder? How proud, happy, and inspired they all would be, if you fulfilled your potential.
If, one day, you have children, do you not think they would wish for their mother to be so full of gifts? So that they could listen to her violin & voice??? A happy, unafraid mother, instead of an unhappy, fearful one? Your children will not wish to see you unhappy or afraid... because otherwise there is a great danger that they will learn to be like that, too. You must learn courage - so that you can teach them courage.
I was watching a not so good movie the other day, but then somebody in it said, "Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is the presence of fear, but also knowing that there is something more important than that fear."
If you are self-conscious & afraid of failure (both probably mean that you care too much about other people's negative judgments), then start with little steps. Practice your violin/singing by yourself, if you haven't already. Practice every day until you feel very comfortable with a song. Then perform it for your husband. Then the next time, perform it for 2 people. Then after that 3. And so on. Little steps - just as long you're making steps. Like everything else, the first time is always the hardest one.
If you make a mistake or "fail" (and you eventually will, because EVERYbody does), yes, you're probably going to feel bad about it. Don't give up! Keep forging ahead - do it for yourself and everyone you love. Learn from your mistakes, Practice, and perform again. Your fear of failure will eventually fade away - because you know that if you do fail, you're not going to give up, because there's always a way forward. And you'll know that because of your own experience!
You sound like an absolutely wonderful person with a whole lot of gifts sitting inside you unused. It is everybody's loss if you keep them locked inside of you. So please please please. Choose your loves over your fears. Soo much is at stake.
2007-02-26 08:05:41 · answer #1 · answered by sky2evan 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Consider that if you don't try, you WILL fail. Gauranteed. If you do try, the statistics stand in favor of you succeeding, not failing.
Also remember, that you may mess up in front of people. You probably will, even the best of performers make mistakes, have off nights, and wish they could have done better.
If the worst case scenario happens your first try, keep trying. You'll get better, you'll be more confident, and imagine the boost that you will get when you know you tried your hardest, and though you may have messed up a time or two, overall you consistently do well and took that risk!
Also, I highly recommend Barry Green's "The Inner Game of Music" that will help get self 1, that part of you that is asking this question out of the way, and self 2 that part that trusts, knows what you are doing, and will help you sail through performances into the forefront!
2007-02-26 07:18:59 · answer #2 · answered by Eleazar's Daughter 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, you're not alone.
Fear 'paralyzes' many people.
On the other hand, consider fear a hurdle, not a wall. Jump over your fear and do it anyway.
Everything anybody does is accompanied by 'failure'. Thomas Edison created nearly 1,000 light bulbs before he found a way to make the one he wanted.
A baseball batter strikes out MANY more times than he wins home runs, and that goes for the most famous of them!
You are a failure ONLY if you fail to try, so your worst fear has already happened!
From here, you can only go up.
2007-02-26 07:16:02 · answer #3 · answered by flywho 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's normal, but you have to realize that you will never succeed until you DO try. We all fail and succeed all through life. I'ts part of the learning process. You just can't give up, because to give up is to fail intentionally, and that is worse than not even trying. Would you rather be a failure because you chose not to do it at all, or a failure who at least got out there and gave it their all. You can't be afraid of failing, because you will miss out on a great number of wonderful experiences. It could be that you need to set your expectations not so high. Create a different definition of "success" for yourself. An example is a woman I knew who always wanted to run a marathon. Finally she did. She came in almost last place, but she came up to me and was so giddy and excited becasue she had finished the race. In her mind, she had succeeded. There was another woman I knew who felt the urge to sing in front of her church. She had never sung before, but felt the calling. She got up there and did it. She said she sounded horrible, but she had this glow of joy in her eyes because she wanted to do it, and she got over her fear, and did it, regardless of what others thought. Get out there and do what you love. Don't worry about what others think, because you can't please everybody. Look into pleasing yourself. If it is your passion, you need to do it, otherwise you will always be wishing you had when you had the chance. There are very few who fall under the category of the "best of the best", but does that stop others from following in their footsteps? No, because they are doing it because they love it, and that's all that matters. I'm 24 also, almost 25, and I've learned to not care about what others think. This is my life, and these are the experiences I'm going to be telling to my grandkids when I get old. The only fear you should have is the fear of having regrets in your life. Do what makes you happy, always, and you will have no regrets.
2007-02-26 07:43:22 · answer #4 · answered by Lindsey H 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, it sounds like you are a perfectionist. I was too, well still am, but not in a deblitating way anymore. I started seeing a therapist, and at first I didn't believe her becuase I thought perfectionists were people that did everything perfect. It turns out you can get to a point where you are so scared of doing something 'unperfect' that you don't do anything. Which is exactly what I was doing. It went on for years getting worse and worse until I went to that therapist. She was soo helpful! I still see her once a month now. But in the beginning I went once or twice a week for therapy, you just talk things out and she helps you. Check out this Link. I hope you decide to get help for this, I can totally understand how you feel.
http://utopia.utexas.edu/articles/cmhc/perfect.html?sec=families&sub=none
and this one:
http://www.coping.org/growth/perfect.htm#What
2007-02-26 07:21:41 · answer #5 · answered by ? 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Absolutley not! Everyone on some level has a fear of failure, and its just that some people get over it much quicker then others. Alot has to do with their level of self esteem as well. Unfortunatly this is something that you will have to "get over" on your own.. cuz they certianly don't make a pill for it.
2007-02-26 07:16:18 · answer #6 · answered by joan c 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋