What do you think of getting married for reasons other than love? I've been a single mom for over 3 years now (my daughter's 3 1/2)and after going out ONE time in over 2 years and using the patch and morning after pill, I had a son. His father and I do not know each other well, but he has been staying with us and helping out a lot. He wants to get married (hes 20 years older than me) and do the 'right' thing. I am not in love with him, but having the support and help is prooving to be much more important to me now than love. I don't know if it's because I have had no help or support for so long that this idea appeals to me or what... I'd like to know if anyone else has been in a similar situation and what the outcome was.
2007-02-26 06:52:57 · 20 answers · asked by feather 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
The romantic ideal of being in love forever is one of the cruelest jokes to ever be played on us.
Strong marriages are based not on romantic love but compatibility, support, mutual respect and caring. Look at your parents and grandparents and other folks from past generations that got married young and stayed married through everything and grew old together. Being "in love" lasted them a few years.....mature, responsible true love took years to grow.
I think that kids growing up without a good, strong father in the house is a horrible situation. I read recently that in America today 40% of children are born out of wedlock to single mothers. This is a condemnation of both the women and their choice of men.
This man sounds like what your children need, and make no mistake, what they need is far more important than what you want....at least for the next 15 years or so.
I think you need to give this man some serious thought as a husband and father. Get to know him better. Does he stick to his comittments? If he does, and he's willing to commit to this, raising your kids and being a good husband....maybe so.
If he's living with you, father to one of your kids and you are having sex with him.......honey, he's already your husband. Make it right.
2007-02-26 07:08:53 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
A lot of people have married for other reasons than love and sometimes the outcomes are less than glamorous. When considering marriage you also have to take into account the divorce rate, which has been rising in the past few years. There are alot of different circumstances that make marriages work or fail, and the most important part of a marriage is working together with almost everything. So, most people marry for love because there are certain things you will do for a person you love. But the question anyone considering marriage needs to ask is how far would i go to make this work and then how far would he/she? but taking time to see how well you work together can make a difference, if he really wants to be there for you and marry you then a little time shouldn't change his mind.
2007-02-26 07:03:39 · answer #2 · answered by know_moore 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Marriage should be a sacred event. I thought I was doing the right thing when my girlfriend at the time got pregnant. Rather than most dead beat dads I stuck around, we got married and did my best to take care of my wife and daughter. The sad thing is I love my wife but I'm not "in love" with my wife. Looking back I realized I could have supported my daughter w/out having to get married. Now I'm in a marriage that I never wanted and we're both not happy. What I thought was the right thing to do was actually the complete opposite.
2007-02-26 07:00:32 · answer #3 · answered by kimchee_boi 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
first and most i had no been in a circumstance like yours, but my opinion about this situation of yours with marrying the father of your son without been in love it could be a double edge knife, mostly because your are placing your life into a very important aspect of the human being where the base of a long lasting outcome has to be love..there had been relationships based upon gratitude for the good providing in circumstances where "there is no other choice" point of view, thinking that there might be no other positive available chances into finding someone that might love one under the current status. i believe that you should talk thru with him making understand that you are very grateful of his support, but making the marriage as the "right thing to do" is a step that only in the long time of progress in the relationship you both we'll see if is an important aspect to take. he can still be supportive and be an active part of your son's life (and let me tell you, you are blessed that he is been a responsible father) but all good things take time, and love is something that you can not pressure to be, and if you are not in love with him today, take your time to verify all other possibilities (have you think to go into studying sometime in the future for the benefit of your kids and yourself as first thing?)
again, be true to you, is the most important thing of all this, and if you look that you might have no other escape, stop before making any sudden desicion, you have 2 other lives in your hands that are in need that their mommy is happy, so place your hopes into making what will give you more chances to success.
2007-02-26 07:18:27 · answer #4 · answered by D' 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of course the short answer to your question is yes, lots of people have gotten married for similar reasons or worse reasons. And many of those marriages have worked out well. And many have not. I wonder if there is a study on whether people who marry for love are actually more successful in marriage than people who marry for other reasons. I tend to think that the results are probably not that different. But no one call tell you for sure if marrying this guy is the right thing for you. Only you can answer that question. And even you probably don't have a crystal ball, so you are just going to have to go with your gut on this one.
2007-02-26 06:58:49 · answer #5 · answered by rollo_tomassi423 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, I made that kind of decision years ago. I was divorced from a really bad marriage and had two little girls. Met a man a bit older than I who was stable, economically sound, and wanted to adopt my girls and provide for us. He was smart and likeable, however I was not 'in love' but thought that I had already opted for the 'in love' thing and it had not worked out, so I decided this was the more mature decision on why I should get married.
We were married 10 years [7 together, 3 separated] and then divorced. He is still a good man and in some ways I do not regret the decision as my girls are still very close to him [he did adopt them] and we later had a son together.
We divorced because as years went by I healed from my past issues related to my first marriage and my 'fear' of being alone and discovered that I needed more in my life than a loveless marriage.
Only you can decide what to do. However, as I have lived life I still believe that truly loving your mate is a requisite. You do him and yourself a disservice if not.
2007-02-26 07:02:05 · answer #6 · answered by sage seeker 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
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2016-12-14 06:17:44 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would ask myself if I could see myself with this person for years and years to come. For me, "love" just means that I'm compatible with the person, we enjoy each other's company, and we don't drive each other nuts when we live in close proximity. If you mean to ask if the "in-love", passionate, "butterflies-in-the-stomach" feeling is a necessary pre-requisite of a successful long-term relationship, my answer is no. "Love" can take many forms; it may include passion and infatuation - but it doesn't have to. If you're comfortable with the thought of having this person around for a long time in the future - then marry him. It's not about the "right" or "wrong" thing to do - it's about how comfortable you, yourself, are with this decision. Listen to your instincts, not to what others say about "love".
I personally was very comfortable marrying my husband, even though we have never had a "passionate" state in our relationship. I'd been in some pretty intense and passionate relationships before, and I'm glad to have experienced it, but I came to realize that for me this was not the essence of a strong long-term relationship. I found this essence with the person I'm married to now (been together for 2 years); every day, my love for him grows stronger, even though our relationship lacks the intensity and passion that many people call "being in love". To each their own, I guess; I can't imagine being married to anyone else. He puts a smile on my face every day, and this is what counts.
2007-02-26 07:05:49 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personally, I would hold off marrying this man for about a year. See what your feelings are & go from there. You said you didn't love him, but does he love you or does he just want to do the honorable thing? Maybe the more time you spend together, your feelings will blossom into love & if not, & you want to move on without him, at least you won't have to go through a divorce.
2007-02-26 07:01:28 · answer #9 · answered by Shortstuff13 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't have to learn to love your husband. If he'll be there, let him be there and maybe it will grow into a situation where you'll find you love him and want to marry him. Marriage is not a patch to cover something that has been missing. It is forever. Think about that. You might think it's a good fix now, but do you really want to be with this guy FOREVER? If you marry him, but he's not the one, you will miss out when the real one does show up.
2007-02-26 06:59:10 · answer #10 · answered by graybear 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋