and he's been acting really cold and distant from me the past two weeks. Like EXTREMELY! He'd pull away from me when I'd try to touch him...he'd be really short with me and pick fights and put me down and call me really bad names.. He got a room in the barracks and actually didnt come home for a few nights here and there. When we went back home to CT for the weekend he dropped me off at my parents place and didnt talk to me or see me till they day we left.
I'd call my mother and friends and cry to them every night because I was so hurt...
And just last night he started being nice to me again.. He says he acted like that because he was nervous about the deployment... but what he did was overkill...I feel like Im letting him off the hook because Im blowing it off like it didnt really bother me and being nice back to him because he leaves wed...
But what's the deal?? I totally dont know whats going on with him or us, or if I believe the 'I was just nervous' ploy...What am I to do???
2007-02-26 06:28:40 · 16 answers · asked by Navi 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Men have a different way of expressing their feelings. When something bothers them, of fear takes over or when they are faced with a situation they cannot control ... they tend to separate themselves from the world. Sorry to say it is normal. Men feel like it is something THEY have to deal with it is a man's thing where no one else can help and only he needs to find a solution to.
Give it some time and just understand that he will be facing a completely different world and he will need you more.
2007-02-26 06:37:13 · answer #1 · answered by caliguy_30 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Did his command or your Family Readiness Group (FRG) not have a pre-deployment brief? If they did, you really needed to be there and if they didn't I can't believe why not. They typically cover the emotional rollercoaster couples experience before, during and after deployments. In fact, in 15 years with DH in the Navy I can't recall a single pre-deployment meeting that didn't cover the emotional cycle of deployment.
To cover the basics, it's common for couples to try to create some emotional space before a deployment. It feels like it would be easier to leave someone for months at a time when you're mad at them. So couples typically find themselves having more fights and being alternately clingy and mad. It doesn't really make logical sense but that's why they're called emotions, right?
It may sound like your DH took things to extremes but if neither of you knew it was going to feel like this then you're both also dealing with hurt, fear and guilt. Add that emotional mix to both of you being uncertain about being apart and what will happen and it makes it easier to understand your feelings of betrayal and his attempt to create some space.
Knowing the emotions are going to go crazy doesn't make it stop happening. DH and I still feel the cycle whenever he deploys and even when he's only going out for a few weeks to a lesser extent. Knowing what's happening though lets us stop the arguments before they get to fights and lets us forgive and forget them a whole lot quicker. That lets us enjoy what little time we have left to a fuller extent.
Check with your command or base for their family support center. In the Navy it's the Fleet and Family Support Center but I don't know what other services call it. They should have some booklets and information on deployments and surviving them. They may also have counselers you can talk to if they have the budget for them. You can also check with the base chapel as they may have the information, too. And the FRG should have it. Family groups can be an invaluable resource for deployment information and I highly recommend getting active in yours.
If you can't get to the information through those souces you might find help in the following links. Best of luck and God Bless both of you through the deployment.
2007-02-26 15:59:54 · answer #2 · answered by Critter 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is distancing himself from you so that he can deal with being deployed in Iraq. He's probably scared. Don't trip out on him too much. Let him deal with it the best way he can and just support him. BELIEVE ME, he's nervous. You don't want there to be any animocity between the two of you before he actually leaves. Just talk about the way you feel later, squash it for now. Make sure you show him as much love and support as you can while he's gone. Then deal with it when he gets back.
2007-02-26 14:47:40 · answer #3 · answered by mixedup 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I hate to say this but, do you think he was doing it to prepare you to be without him if god forbid he doesn't come back? He sounds really confused. I feel for you and him. I know you're going through a lot and so is he, and he is probably really scared and can you blame him? All I can say is try to be there for him no matter what, in the meantime are there any other women around that are in the same boat as you? Maybe look for a support group. If you can find one I suggest strongly to go to one, it will help you so much. Chin up honey I give you tremendous amount of credit.
2007-02-26 14:40:51 · answer #4 · answered by Dee G 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is scared sh1tless....he is trying to emotionally withdraw because being around you right now makes him emotional, feel inadequate, and about about a million other bad things. Don't judge him or go into hysterics. It is NOT your fault...Trust me he is just nervous. I understand you being upset.... but it wasn't personal. Use every second to be with him between now and when he leaves you will not regret it...Tell him you understand he is all wired up - let him know you love him no matter what and will be glad to see him again when he gets back. Good Luck and God Bless....
2007-02-26 15:19:24 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Understanding something and allowing it to happen again are different animals. Please take a minute to let him know that you are hurt and his actions are not only unwelcome, but are the very thing that will drive you apart when he's away. You need him to be reassuring and he needs you to be the same. That's the only way you will survivie the separation and the stress. Good luck to you both and God Bless America.
2007-02-26 14:42:06 · answer #6 · answered by Lisa A 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's freakin scared! Cut the guy some slack. I mean, he could die! Jesus, it's amazing that those of us who've been there didn't just loose it.
Oh, and the answer under mine; don't listen to that as$hat. Don't tell him you're scared. While he's with you, make him think he's indestructible. You have absolutely no doubt he's coming home. At least send him off believing the at least YOU have faith.
2007-02-26 14:31:53 · answer #7 · answered by Ari A 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This guy is facing the biggest fear in life. That is Death.
Leave him alone and support him. Think about how it must feel like for him. As an ex solider, I know that you train constantly for war, but you pray that you never go. At least thats how I thought about it.
2007-02-26 14:39:55 · answer #8 · answered by Joe B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am a Viet Nam Vet. He has never done this before. He is not taking a trip to Florida. He is going to a place where people get killed. Give him some space.
2007-02-26 18:21:48 · answer #9 · answered by Creepy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's scared.
He's scared he might be hurt or not come home.
He's scared that you might get too lonely and seek the company of another.
He's scared that you both might be changed for the worse by this.
Him getting crazy with you is not acceptable, but please try to understand what he's about to do - support him and love him. Promise him you'll be here when he comes back.
2007-02-26 14:31:46 · answer #10 · answered by fucose_man 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋