Oh enemy blade thats staring at me
Why do you torture me with this thought?
This could kill don't you see?
When all inside feeling begins to rot
You might understand why I choose to die
A long life would be too much to bear
Taking a shortcut instead of living a lie
I never needed anyone to care
What do you think of this?Does it make sense?I Just finished writing it and i started it last night.GIVE ME YOUR OPINION!!
2007-02-26 06:14:56 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
It sounds like you feel like you are dying inside and you are contemplating ending your life. It also sounds like that the other times you posted this question.
2007-02-26 06:26:42 · answer #1 · answered by havasufem 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get rid of the 'Oh', it's too 18th century Oxford style. There's too many words too - try shortening. I'm going to go on a limb here and tell you how I'd change it. It's my Response to you :)
Enemy blade stares at me
You torture me (but WHY?) with this thought
This could kill -- don't you see?
Feelings inside me begin to rot
You don't understand, I CHOOSE to die
A life too long would be too much to bear
I'll die through shortcuts instead of living a lie
I never needed to care
Just my humble opinion. The point is, you should always write all your ideas in long pieces like you did and THEN shorten and cut and punctuate. You have some good ideas though - I like your visuals. Keep up the good work! :)
2007-02-26 06:30:32 · answer #2 · answered by kohai4 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
there's sumthing thts been killing u inside and its too much fo you to bear fo the rest of ur life and u jus want it to kill you.....
2007-02-26 06:19:40 · answer #3 · answered by pSyChO 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
how depressing man get a life
2007-02-26 06:19:04 · answer #4 · answered by jim bob 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like this one quite a bit. i answered for one of your other poems, the tease one. but this one is defenatly profound. i love it.
2007-02-26 15:08:02 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
banana
2007-02-26 06:18:12 · answer #6 · answered by ?KiiNkY TR!nKy ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋