Telltale traits of a manipulator/bully?

Question

I seem to be a beacon to manipulative, destructive people, and I'm too trusting. What are some good early indicators that a person has manipulative, bullying tendencies?

Answer 1

For you, I would highly recommend reading Gavin De Becker's "The Gift of Fear" To give you an idea, and hopefully a good answer to your question I will list signs that a manipulator/bully or worse kind of person will give off from the beginning, with abbreviated descriptions from the book. Everything but personal notes of mine are from his book!


1) Forced Teaming -- "It was shown through the use of the word "we" (We've got a hungry cat up there") Forced teaming is an effective way to establish premature trust because a "we're in the same boat" attitude is hard to rebuff without feeling rude. Sharing a predicament like being stuck in a stalled elavator or arriving simultaneously at a just closed store, will understandably move people around soial boundaries. Forced teaming is not about coincidence: It is intentional and directed, and is one of the most sophisticated manipulations.

(If I may insert a personal experience--someone who hurt me (I'd rather not go into how) used this tactic (hadn't yet read the book and so I fell for it hook, line, and sinker) on me. He chose to stay with a friend of mine and me at a restaurant while his ride, his friends, left. So when we were about ready to leave (me and my friend) he was like "So how are WE going to get me home" like it was our problem (she knew him loosely before that evening...I didn't...it was MY car that brought us there).

2) Charm and Niceness -- Charm is another everrated ability. Note that I called it an ability, not an inherent feature of one's personality. Charm is almost always a directed instrument, which, like rapport building has motive. Think of charm as a verb, not a trait. If you consciously tell yourself, "This person is trying to charm me" as opposed to "This person is charming." You'll be able to see around it, most often, when you see what's behind charm, it won't be sinister, but other times you'll be glad you looked.

3) Too many details - People who want to deceive you will often use a simple technique that has a simple name: too many details. THe man's use of the story about the cat he left unfed in a friend's apartment. His reference to leaving the door open, "like old ladies do in old movies" too many details.

When people are telling the truth, they don't feel doubte, so they don't feel the need for additional support in the form of details. When people lie, however, even if what they say sounds credible to you, it doesn't sound credible to them, so they keep talking.

Each detail may be only a small tack he throws on the road, but together they can stop a truck. The defense is to remain consciously aware of the context in which the details are offered.

4) Typecasting - A man labels a woman in some slightly critical way, hoping she'll feel compelled to prove that his opinion is not accurate. Typecasting always involves a slight insult, and usually one that is easy to refute. but since it is the response itself that the typecaster seeks, the defense is silences, acting as oif the words weren't even spoken. If you engage, you can win the point, but you might lose something greater.

5) Loan Sharking -- (he is quoting his conversation with a woman who had been raped and was trying to understand what happened and the signs that her attacker gave) "He wanted to be allowed to help you bou in his because that would put you in his debt, and teh fact that you owe a person something makes it hard to ask him to leave you alone." THe predatory criminal generously offers assistance but is always calculating the debt" The defense is to bring two rarely remembered facts into consciousness, He approached me, and didn't ask for any help. Then, though a person may turn out to be just a kindly stranger, watch for other signs.

6) The unsolicited promise-- For the next signal, I asked kelly to go back to that moment when she was reluctant to let her attacker into her apartment. He had said, "I'll just put this stuff down and go, I promse"

The unsolicited promise is one of the most reliable signals because it is nearly always of questionable motive. Promises are used to convince us of intention, but they are not gaurantees. A gaurantee is a promise that offers some compensation if the speaker fails to deliver; he commits to make it all right agian if things don't go as he says they would. But promises offer no such collatoral.

Here's the defense: When someone says, "I promise" you say (at least in your head) "You're right, I am hesistant about trusting you, and maybe with good reason. Thank you for point it out to me"

(An excerpt from my own experience, here--that same guy later on in trying to leverage getting the two of us alone together out of the blue said multiple times, "I promise I won't hurt you" That should have been a big clue to me, but I totally missed it).

7) Discounting the word "no". THis is perhaps the most universally significant one of all; a man's ignoring or discounting the concept of no. Kelly's rapist ignored it several times, in various forms.

Actions are far more elequent and credible than words, particular a short and undervalued word like "no" and particularly when its offered tentatively or without conviction.

Declining to hear, "no" ius a signal that someone is edither seeking control or refusing to relinquish it.

The criminal's process of victim selection, which i call "the interview" is similar to a sharkj's circling his prey. The predatory criminal of every variety is looking for someone, a vulnerable someone who will allow him to be in control and just as constantly gives signals, so does he send them.

(my summary is that in the interview the criminal will attempt to get you to give in to what you previously said "no" to. If you give in, you have just marked yourself as easy prey. In my experience, I had already said no to the idea of us being alone together. I let him talk me out of it with his "charming unsolicited promise")

From the Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker -- excerpted from pages 55-70, Chapter 4, Survival Signals.

Answer 2

It hurts and it makes you a target just for being a good person, or even if not good, honest... sometimes honest to a fault obviously... Makes you gun shy and not trusting anyone if it happens to you enough.

I am kind of a hermit for the very same reason. So when you find out... let me know too okay?

All in all... I believe that if we take no offense and learn to see things and situations and people objectively... Without taking anything personally, you understand everything from a better, less attached place. I find that emotions are useless in that they will almost always get you into trouble...

I am trying for Mr. Spock out of necessity mostly. Someday I will achieve it... I'm working on it...

I don't have many close ties anymore... Because of the bad ones, all of the potential good ones have been sacrificed on the same pyre.

Good luck! I hope you find a better way to cope than I did... It can be lonely.

Answer 3

Uncalled for, reiterated flattery.
Efforts at confusing you, as to what you feel to know about your person.
Shock tactics, such as; hanging up the phone in rude manner for no reason while you are speaking. And there is no explanation as to why it has happened, so that you feel it is your fault.
Exiting your presence without due explanation . . much alike the treatment on the phone.
Trying to be seductive with how much he or she KNOWS the REAL you . .
Throwing at you a myriad of questions which will have this manipulators' presence in your mind more often than deserved . . sometimes to the point of rendering you incapacitated.
Alienating you from friends and family, so that in his or hers possession, he has taken power over you.
Excessive reprimands . . sometimes so subtle, you'll not be able to judge them as manipulatory tactics.
Sudden and unexplainable comings and goings from your life, so that you'll contact him or her and find out what has happened.
Putting you down, even when you are aware of your self-worth.
Playing subtly and/or brazenly with your psyche . . so that you wonder: WHY?, What do I have to do with his behavior . . therefore : "IS IT ME?"
The list to a manipulators tactics are endless, for usually these predators are devoid of conscious or healthy moral code.
Best thing to trust in yourself, if you have a healthy sense of yourself is to "pull the plug" as is the vernacular . . before you are deeper into someone else's possession or - unless you also like to play wasteful games.

Answer 4

The Moon has to do with your emotions, how you respond to situations and people. The impressions and nurturing you received from your mother. Unlike the Sun the Moon is responsive. Likely your mother or a female that was mothering to you had constant verbal communication with you that was soothing and the bases for how you handle your emotions. You have the ability to change directions without it causing too much distress. You may find simple things like driving around relaxing. You may be one of those people you see driving and singing to the radio. You like to chat but not to deep for to long. There is restlessness with this Moon. You need mental stimulus to be happy. Your Sun is where you shine and what is important to you. The combination would give a clearer picture of who you are. The ASC is personality and how you appear to people when they 1st meet you. If you are not a Gemini or a Gemini ASC people will not see the Gemini side of you until they get to know you better.

Answer 5

Boy you sound just like me exactly. Here's the rule of thumb I use because, honestly, I cant tell if Im being taken for a ride or not right away: Do not get into any relationship, or friendship, unless you have something to gain out of it. Sounds harsh, but really its just taking care of number one, namely YOURSELF! People are either going to enhance your life in some way, or take you down like the titanic.

Answer 6

Demanding 'loyalty': he's the only one you should spend time with, listen to, admire, etc.
He'll try to alienate you from friends and/or family.
He 'pouts', argues, or yells when he doesn't get his way all the time.
Go with your gut feelings. When you feel uncomfortable about doing anything, insist that you don't do it. Just firmly say "no". If you get pouting or temper tantrums, just let him know that you'll not change your mind on account of his behavior, and that if he continues being a 'butt', he can do so on his own time, not yours.

Answer 7

If they hurt your subtle emotions while you're still getting to know them, pull out! Avoid them until they virtually become a stranger...trust me I just phased out a 'friend' who has been manipulating me for 7 years...

Answer 8

I notice when people seem to come on to strong that there is an underlying motive all their own. Time will tell. It usually doesn't take but a time or two for me to have them figured out.

Answer 9

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Answer 10

telltale traits manipulatorbully