how do I handle my in-laws?

Question

I love them BUT, the insist on once a week visits, holidays including Valentines Day, Labor Day, 4th of July.........all holidays together, all birthdays together....each one individually that way we can all be together more often. Now they're insisting that we spend our vacation time at thier vacation home in Florida. Each weekly visit they pressure us more and more. They explain how lovely it is, how much fun we'd all have. I am willing to spend a day or two with them but not my entire vacation. We only have one week a year alone as a family. I am harboring resentment and don't want it to interfere with my marriage or my relationship with my in-laws but nomatter what I've ever suggested, it's pretty much thier way...they win in the end. My husband want's to be supportive but I can see it's stressing him out. He doesn't want to hurt thier feelings or mine.
I really want everyone to be happy...so that I don't feel so guilty. HElp, I need opinions. Is it me???

Answer 1

I have a friend who went through the same thing. It was so difficult. She still spends a lot of time with them, but she set up her own vacation and told them they already had plans. Don't feel guilty!!! Your husband is going to have to take a bigger role in this situation. Once he steps up to the plate he will feel better too

Answer 2

No, it's not just you, and you shouldn't feel guilty. If your husband tells them nicely (but firmly) that you need some time for your own family -- you, your husband, and your kids if any -- they'll probably adjust eventually. (It's good, and important, that you and your husband present a united front...) If he can do that, and then the two of you can back it up with spending some, but not all, of your time with them, they should get the message that you aren't shutting them out, just setting your own boundaries. You don't mention how long you've been married -- "retraining" your in-laws is easier if you don't have a long-standing pattern of doing as they ask/insist. It's only natural that you and your husband should want to establish your own holiday traditions and that you should want couple time. YOU ARE a family of your own, and your in-laws need to respect that.
If you have kids, have you ever tried having the in-laws stay with them while you and your hubby get away for a few days? Of course, you know what might work in your situation, and what would make things worse, not better.
How do things work with your family? Are there any similarities that give you ideas that might work with your husband's folks? And does your husband have any siblings who might have learned a trick or two?

Answer 3

You and your husband have a life apart from the in-laws. This should be brought to the in-laws attention. It should be made clear that you and hubby have a full schedule of other events and commitments with friends of yours and that you'll find time for the inlaws as well....just not revolving your entire lives around them.
Your husband should not be stressing out over this. They're his parents and as adults they have to be told where they stand in the grand scheme of things.
I would suggest that you make a trip to Florida once a year to visit with them. now this is if both you and hubby's vacation schedule allow it. Furthermore if it doesn't you must (actually HE must) tell them that the two of you cannot go to Florida this year because you've made other vacation plans this year. See them every two to three years with the Florida deal.
As far as the regular holidays go...4th of July is fine unless YOU have been invited elsewhere with hubby. Then tell them no 4th of July together this year. Valentine's Day? Thats no holiday and tell them.."Hey...your son and I are going to dress up like the maid and a butler this Valentine's Day and um......play house *wink*." So...no visit this year.
Invite them over occasionally. Spend one or two holidays with them. Not each one. I come from a large family and I assure you...my wife and I do as we please and my family as well as hers understands. Why do they understand? Bceause they have no other choice...thats why. Don't worry about them getting annoyed. It'll pass...believe me.

Answer 4

i also married into a close family we spent everyday together every holiday every summer they boys in the family played football every weekend in the grandparents front yard i also complained but nothing helped we continued with this together 24 7 life for 12 years did i forget to mention we all lived within a mile of each other? the end result was a divorce and all the family scattered to the wind now the yard where these little boys played football is silent and the yard where we all hunted easter eggs is empty and after all the delima of my way or their way i would give anything to sit on that front porch and watch those kids play again am i missing the husband no! i am missing the family times we spent together if you can look past the forrest and see the trees remember these days will pass and time will move on and all we will have is our memories of the good ole days so try very hard to relax and enjoy it trust me it will end one day and you will sit and remember and smile...............

Answer 5

Hey you r not doing nothing wrong simply just take time for both sides of the family so that there wont b any problems...what u can do is tell ur husband that sometimes a family comes 1st than the other family (which is his mother father brother sister etc..) u c when some1 gets married and a family is put 2gether as 1 than its ur turn to be 1st than the in-laws same if u had the same problem....i just hope that u understand what i and sayuing

Answer 6

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Answer 7

I don't blame you for wanting some alone time with the family. Tell your inlaws that you'll come down for a couple of days and then you've made other plans for the rest of the vacation. That way everyone gets what they want.

Answer 8

I'm there myself when it comes to in-laws. I have wonderful in-laws that treat me better than my own family, but I must say that I don't want to spend all my free time with them. I have the birthday dinners and every holiday ... I also get every single weekend spent with them. Enough is enough ain't it ! I'd just come out and tell them... They'll get over it... trust me !! They'll be mad for awhile, but then... things will go back to the way they were before ! Believe me... I've been there !

Answer 9

No it isn't you. Sometimes you really have to stand FIRM on YOUR desires. You don't have to be rude about it. You will probibly tick them off, but after all, who do you go to bed with at night? (so to speak). They will keep insisting, they will get angry...but that's inevitable. You need to make a stand sometime or just resign yourselves to being your inlaws puppets. You be happy in YOUR marriage.

Answer 10

don know
put some distance n move to china
other than that has any loose change been missin round the house