Why do you tell your kids that your EX IS A GOOD PERSON when he/she really is not?

Question

Why do you make up excuses for their bad behavior, missed dates, broken promises, etc? I am not saying bad mouth them. They are doing a good job of that themselves. But I don't understand why you say "mommy/daddy loves you" when that is clearly not true?

No one said to tell them that mom/dad doesn't love you.

A woman I know told her daughters that. The oldest one finally told her, "Mom, you should have left Dad years ago." Kids are not stupid.

We're not talking about bashing. No one should do that. We are talking about defending and placing in a goo dlight. Two different things.

Answer 1

I would probably tell them that their father "has problems".
And I believe that no matter how screwed up a person is, they all still love their child.or, they should.

Answer 2

My ex wife is a lousy mother all the way around. She never remembers to call my daughter on ANY holiday including her birthday. I have had full custody of my child for 5 years and I never make excuses for the mother. People tell me i should lie and tell her that her mother loves her but I will NEVER do that and now I don't need too. She has seen first hand what her mother is really like and could care less if she ever sees her. The days when she used to cry for her are long gone. She knows her mother would rather party and do drugs than see her and has told her mother to her face that she hates her for the things she has done and for not caring. I never said anything bad about the mother because I didn't have to. Her actions have spoken for them self's. Any parent who continues to tell their child that the other parent loves them when they know the truth is only making things worse. Kids are smarter than we think and they can see right through the bad parent. Just be honest with your kids is the best we can do !!

Answer 3

I know what your saying...when Dad is constantly late or a no show all together on visitation time, mothers make excuses to keep the kids from being any more upset then they all ready are. I remember when my girls were younger and their Dad didn't come to get them or even call saying he wasn't coming. I would tell them he had to work over and that the more money he made the more he could buy them, or when he was late (constantly) I'd tell them he got caught in traffic or it was bad outside and they didn't want him hurt in a wreck or anything. When young they believed all these stories but as they got older and he didn't show or was so late that they gave up on him coming at all, the anxiety slowly turned into disappointment then anger. When they became teenagers they made their own decisions and requested he not come for them any more, if he wanted to see them to call and they would make arraingments of their own to come. By the time they graduated from high school and had their own families visitation is down to holidays at their Grandparents (his parents) and he was invited to functions...like graduation, marriage, births...I think a parent that has custody sees how much it hurts their children when the visiting parent makes little to no effort to keep in contact and making excuses or hiding the real truth from the kids seems kinder to the child who already hurts from the rejection...but kids aren't dummies, they know when they aren't truely wanted

Answer 4

but maybe there is a reason that they stay away.
maybe it is the other parent.
if they never have taken care of them that is different but sometimes the dad will stay away for a reason, and that does not mean they don't love their kids.
So anyone who tells their kids that their dad doesn't love them is wrong they can make that choice them selves.
Many moms make it harder on the dads b/c they start things between the parents or between the kids.
the parents are having problems but more in most cases the parent still loves the kids
Kids can sometimes feel as if their parents don't love them but usually they do,it is normal for the kids to feel that way but they should realize that the parents, both of them love the kid(s)

Answer 5

Well I am in a similar situation. I don't bad mouth my kid's father because in the long run they will see what is going on. I don't want them to have to look back and remember all the times I sat and talked bad about him. I just want them to have a good childhood and not worry and stress out that he isn't around. It sucks, he only comes around maybe once every 3 months and spends loads of money on them. Then there I am having to explain myself to them and get them to understand that I don't have the money to do like their dad because I am the one paying the bills, feeding them, daycare, etc. I would still rather them see it for themselves then to hear it from me.

Answer 6

because you take the high road; the kids will figure it out for themselves and if you continually badmouth the ex; they will resent you for it...it will backfire; and the correct answer is that the ex loves them in the way they know how to love, it might not be the way you think it should be....... goes back to what you were taught as a child, If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything.

Answer 7

I am divorced and am the custodial parent. I always tell the boys that their mom loves them but .... to cover up for her. Why do I do it? I love them and I want them to be happy. Why would I say, gee your mom is a loser, is dishonest, and really does not want to see you. I would never say such a thing to somebody who I love. Besides, if it is not true they will figure it out sooner or later.

Answer 8

Because it is more important that children grow up feeling loves and knowing that their parents love them than it is that they grow up with the "truth." They will eventually figure out that the other parent is not a great person - you don't need to help it along. Better they find out for themselves when they are old enough to deal with it.

Answer 9

Children are very impressionable and they don't need to be in the middle of your problems with each other. Let them be kids and be happy. They will know what he's like in time and learn for themselves. That will hurt them enough. I know,,,I've been there. From a broken home.

Answer 10

because... the realization that Mommy or Daddy doesn't love you is too much for a little kid to handle...

And... this person may love them... they just don't show it... stressing that the other persons behavior isn't directed at the child is important...

Daddy/Mommy didn't do X ... it has nothing to do with child... it has to do with said parents selfishness... again that is hard to explain to a child...

you are protecting your child... that is why you do it... because somebody has to look out the their emotional well being...

Answer 11

People do not give children enough credit. Eventually, they will see through whatever you're telling them and decide for themselves what they think of their parents. It's no one else's right to try to affect their judgment either way. As parents, we have to be careful that we do not impose our own beliefs and opinions on our children. Let them figure it out for themselves and just try to be there and comfort them when they do.