my husband so called female friend?

Question

weve been married since may 2000 been together since oct 1998 we have our problems like most marriages, hes american and im british, i trusted him untill last year i let him be him self like going out with freinds i dont smother him and im not one to nagg, but he made a female friend in dec last year and things started to change he didnt tell me about her he hid his phone from me and switched it off when he came home from work, i was going out of my mind with worry, so i got his phone while he was asleep and i found a womans pic and texts from her, seemed like there was something more between them. i confronted him about it and he went mad and hes now sleeping in the spare bed room, even though he still wants sex with me and wont leave, i wont leave either he says she is just a friend he wont stop seeing her i found he made 29 texts to her in feb and 7 to me his wife, i thought it had stopped but hes still texting her and he deletes her replys is he wanting or having an affair?

Answer 1

well, he is having an affair, although I'm not saying it is physical; there is emotional betrayal as well; on that note, he obviously knows what he is doing is wrong and considered cheating or he wouldn't have hidden it and wouldn't be sneaking to do it....he got mad, because he got busted!

Answer 2

The pattern is familiar and is developing...as planned. I'm sorry to say my dear but here in America we have an old saying "If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...it is".
I suspect the mere fact that there are a large amount of text and whatever other type of communications are being employed is the first hint. Naturally the other would be the reaction you received from him once confronted. If there was nothing to it then this not only would have been told to you by him, but again..."a guilty conscience needs no accuser".
So...if he has not actually HAD the affair, the groundwork is being laid to do so. Obviously by not only him but her as well.
I guess that a man can have a female friend. The old Platonic Relationship. Of course we all know Plato was attracted to young boys and women were not the object of his attention so just where THAT term came from describing a male/female friendship relationship is beyond me.
So...I would suggest laying down the law on this matter. Civilly of course because anger and acting out will only shut him off to you fast and there goes the open line of communication. Make the effort to get his head on straight. Unfortunately you'll never really quite have the trust you had in him before. On another note...you say he still wants sex with you. I sincerely hope he is smart enough to know that bedding you isn't the cure-all and apology some men think it is. Getting laid doesn't say "I'm sorry and it's all better". Takes considerably more than that to set things right.
The best of luck to you.

Answer 3

I was in a situation like yours & I put my foot down I told him 2 either drop his so called friend & end all ties or I was filing for Divorce to convince him I went 2 the court house & got the do it yourself divorce kit & had it filled out & I showed him when he came home.I told him 2 stop going to the bars 2 change his cell phone number or else the papers would be filed within 1 week that did the trick now he stays home with me.That was the 1st year of our marriage it will be 14ys on Sept 11th so try the same thing with yours it doesn't matter if your British or American or Any Race 4 that matter no one needs that kind of treatment from their Spouse & of course the Guy is Having an Affair he's a Dog he either Cleans up his Act or File the Papers.Good Luck

Answer 4

Seven common warning signs someone is cheating on you:

1. The most common warning is when a partner tells you something is amiss and you don't believe it. He or she may say, 'This marriage isn't working,' or 'I am not happy.'
2. Sudden change -- or interest -- in appearance.
3. If your partner says, 'You need to see a psychiatrist,' 'You need help,' 'Get a job,' 'Lose weight,' or 'Go to the gym,' and is constantly critical, it's all part of the same theme -- which is that there is something wrong with you. Unconsciously, they are setting it up to say their partner was nuts and wouldn't even go for help. Another tip-off is when he or she starts picking fights about something you are good at, so you fight back and then he or she calls you argumentative.
4. Gives you guilt gifts.
5. If you get the cold shoulder at your spouse's company holiday party where everyone used to be friendly, it's a sign that his colleagues either know about the affair and figure you are on the way out, so why be nice? Or your partner has been making critical comments about you so they think you are no good.
6. When a partner is sneaking around a bit, it's a sign. Maybe he or she takes secret cell phone calls on the porch instead of using the phone by the bed, or maybe he is out on weeknights whereas he used to be home watching television. If you see that a person is not around that much and is gone on different nights, something may be up.
7. Sometimes people with a background of these types of things may be more likely to repeat them. There are exceptions and people can change patterns in their life, but if we are talking about red flags, history is a red flag.

Answer 5

I know exactly what you are going through - my long term partner started being cagey about his mobile too (not to mention lots and lots of other things to draw suspicion) the phone would be turned to silent and spent most of the time in his pocket. I even mentioned it to him but it did not stop him doing it. I asked him if he was seeing someone else kept getting the same answer no! A new female colleague started working with him around the same time his attitude changed. I noticed how differently he spoke to her on the phone compared with his attitude to me.

To cut a long story short - i eventually found evidence that he was seeing someone else - he even tried to deny it in the face of all the facts i had accrued, it was only when i stuck to my guns and insisted he told me the truth that he owned up. He had been seeing this other woman - oh and he said she was a friend too. Since i confronted the situation its apparently its finished - he does say they never slept together but would have given opportunity, still doesnt make the situation easier.

I'm sorry to say it but i think your husbands attitude is very suspect - it seems as though he just doesnt want to cut his losses and leave until he has something else lined up. Also if as he says she's just a friend why get so angry when confronted and then delete her replies. if you have the option get him followed - but only if you are sure you want to know. I am glad i pursued my suspicions but have to be honest i have had the worst 7 months of my life and an still no closer to resolution, but its still better than living a lie.

Prior to all this i was the same as you in that my partner was always able to go out and do virtually what he wanted - the only stipulation i put on it was that he did not mess around with other women.

The spare room and sex thing sound familiar too - are we seeing the same guy?? sorry my feeble attempt at humour.

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Answer 6

Wow, this sounds so familiar. I just got past one like this. From personal experience, I don't know if you've thought of this yet, but have you thought to confront her? If you're not getting anywhere with him, which you're probably not, confront her, see what she has to say. That's the mistake I made, I took his word for everything and let him keep me from talking to her. If he is having an affair, it's likely talking to her, you'll find out. He may be playing you both, heck, she may not even know about you. In my situtation, this girl started coming around trying to be my friend, and then when the cell bill came in I found out they were talking to each other. I called her and confronted her and thought that would be that but no, ended up she was in it for much more and stabbing me in the back acting my friend all the while trying to get my husband. Confront her, trust me, and either don't tell him you're going to cause he will try his best to talk you out of it, or don't let him talk you out of it if you do tell him. 29 texts???? You're lucky, I've got you beat, my husband was over 800!!!!!

Trust me, confront her, she probably doesn't even know you exist.

God Bless! Good luck. I hope you two can get past this. Oh and maybe you should rethink the sex too. He may just be getting his cake and eating it too. No sense in you getting something you;ll have to live with the rest of your life that you don't want if he is messing around!

Answer 7

Sweetie, oh hes definately wanting an affair if he hasnt started already having one.. and id be willing to bet with 29 texts, pictures, phone calls, etc.. that he already is cheating on u physically.. sorry, but that would be my honest oppinion of the situations, the only reason he hasnt left is because he has no where to go yet.. If he just met her in December, then he's not sure where the relationship is going yet, so he's "using " you till he knows for sure that this relationship between the two of them is going to fly.. if i were u, id be calling the cell phone provider and seeing if u can get an itemized bill from the company of all phone calls to and from the cell phone, id be willing to bet, there alot more of those then the texts.. and when he goes out to be with "friends" id say fine, and then follow him.. because id be willing to bet, he's meeting up with her..
No man will get that protective of another female as to get so mad and sleep in another room over, unless there were feelings attached to that woman. Sorry, but your husband , is already cheating on u emotionally, but i wouldnt doubt for one minute that he's cheating on u physically as well, and if he hasnt, he's about to..
Also if i was you, id also hide his cell phone from him id turn it off, and hide it somewhere he'd never find it.. and when he went to work.. turn it back on, because im sure she'll be calling the cell phone, and when she does, id tell her to stay away from your husband.. its very possible that this girl has no idea he's married, not sure how much u know of her, but if u dont know this girl, its very possible that she doesnt know u exsist.. and may back off if she knows he's married..

Answer 8

Hon.. Of course he is having an affair, anything your husband have to hide from you is an affair.. and THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A FEMALE FRIEND.. they are affairs. Im sorry you have to go trough this. If he won't leave is because men they want their cake and eat it too.. I went trough all of that when my husband started to have affairs I left and he constanly beg for me to come back I would come back because he says he won't do it again and yet he still does it. I'm here for the kids we have together do you have children? if not my adivce is to leave, this things usually don't change and at the end you have to either ignore that your husband have affairs or stand up to him and tell him is over.It's just the way it is. Is all on you. Everything you are saying is clear proof that he is cheating. LEAVE HIM IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY.. TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE WHO IS A VERY UNHAPPY WIFE. GOOD LUCK.

Answer 9

It certainly sounds as though there is a third person in the relationship.

If you can't sit down and discuss it between the two of you, there is really no point continuing a relationship where you're both clearly unhappy.

Perhaps you should have a talk to his friends, or even better, the other woman and find out the situation.

Answer 10

if he had nothing to hide he would be hiding nothing. he may not want to leave the marriage due to finances and having to split the marital as setts. if she were no big deal he would agree to stop seeing her, and moving into the next room is a sign of anger that u found out. there is something between them, but u will have a hard time stopping it, and may just have to get out of the marriage because it appears , fair or not, that the other woman is very much a part of his life.

Answer 11

You can call her and find out what is going on between them married men don't have single female friends he is being deceitful to you and hiding the affair and n don't give him sex tell him that you want to separate and see how he acts if he ask why tell him that seeing how he has another woman that he chooses to talk to, you don't want anything more to do with him and file for a divorce.