Help..I feel inadequate compared to my brother?

Question

My mum loves my brother. There are three girls then him. My mum openly says that if she had a son sooner she would have stopped having children. I feel hurt by this...should I be? She normalises thi sby saying in a patronising tone...when you have children you will know what I mean. Everyone wants a boy and a girl..its natural. She openly has said that my brother will get her three houses. We the girls helped my mum when she had three mortagages. I don't pay her now...because I feel I gave her too much money. I gave her like £1700-2000 every month for two years. When I was a student I gave her all my money. I say to her that I will feel really upset if me and my sisters are still struggling to pay mortagages and my brother is living in luxery with his wife ...on the benefit of inheriting three homes which at today prices are worth in excess of 500K. Should I feel like this? My mum cited the example of the queen.....saying that she does not distribute her wealth equally to her children

more goes to charles the next in line to the thrown because he will carry the blood and family line. She says patronising things like...you will not understand now but in the future you will. Its important to keep the boys family side strong. She cited the example that the reason why her son in law (married to my sis) listened to us when they were having family problems was because we had money and gave her a good sending off.

I could accept that logic. Nut my mum twists stuff and turns my brother against me. She once said to him...Oh your sister thinks you drink in the pub all day. I had not said that. The matter was trivilised and my brother was genuinely hurt and said that he will always belive my mum over me. this is because to get what I want...I have to lie. As my family are very protective. This is alien to my brother...because whatever my brother wants he gets. He can openly tell my mum stuff...because he knows he will get it. For example him and my mum share an account.

If he wants a camera he asks my mum if he can use the account. She of course says yes....so he doesn't have to lie. He goes on holidays my himself ...with no questions asked. I have not been on holiday for three yrs. I can't go as none of my friends are available. I would go myself...but my mother will say no.. She will suggest that when I am married I can go with my husband. So to go on holiday unlike my brother I have to lie. To go fo a drive...in the evening I have to lie.

My mum and brother visited my sister. The perfect indian daughter. I am already starting to get anxious cos he will be home home soon...and all those feelings of inadequacy are going to come back. How do I stop it.

Answer 1

Its too bad that your mother is putting so much importance on this son!!! She fails to see what you have done. You have to move on and somehow not let this bother you. You are the better person!!!! Good Luck to you.

Answer 2

Some parents often make wrong choices in a lot of areas. Some like my grandson mother feels that only female children are worth any hill of beans, note at this point she's had one daughter and three sons, the daughter lives with her the sons, I have custody of one. Then you have people like my mother that only believe male children are worth a hill of beans, she has five daughters and three sons.
It does not matter how hard one tries to do the right thing and tries to help or even that they do do the right thing each and every step of the way. You can not change another person's mind.
The best advise to you is what I learned, out of 8 children I have accepted the fact that should anything happen to my father I will be the one to care for my mother. Why, because I believe God gave her to me as my mother for a reason and even though as a person I do not like my mother I do love her and respect her position/status.
So, take this advise, learn to deal with the way things are. Stop making it easy for your mother to attain more for your brother. But most importantly, learn from this and DO NOT treat your children in the same manner.
Your children will be a lot happier and healthier than your mom has made you and maybe that is your purpose, to stop the emotional abuse with you.
God keep you.

Answer 3

When I got to the end of your text and saw that your family is Indian, then I realized that these are culture-specific matters combined with maybe some real dependence that your mother shares with your brother. I agree with your mother that when you have children, you do view the genders differently. And I'm not even Indian!
I never realized until I had to watch a son grow up that I was preparing him to someday become a head of household.
That doesn't mean that your mother is being fair to you. She is assuming that you will marry well (or at least have that as a goal) and your husband will provide financial security. You talk about how you might be struggling with mortgages with your sisters. I'm sure your mother's aim is to have you settled in financially stable marriages with husbands who will worry about the mortgages while you give her grandchildren.
She doesn't imagine that her son will be the house husband, taking care of housework and children while his wife is the primary wage earner.
It is not fair. But in her mind, it makes sense. Because it is cultural, I wouldn't take it personally.

Answer 4

It is normal to feel hurt when a parent does not treat all of her children equally. I understand what that's like because I had a very abusive father. In the long run your own actions will determine your happiness and success. Learn to work hard and depend on yourself. You'll feel better about yourself by earning what you get than by inheriting your parents' possessions. Just do what you know is right. Be good to your mother regardless of her flaws. But plan for your own future too. If your mother does not show much interest in your future, it may be time for you to live on your own, get married, or join the Army. I'm not joking. I'm in the United States Army and I personally don't care what my parents do with their possessions.

Answer 5

Oh dear Lord, she sounds like she's lost the plot. I think she must be a bit old fashioned. I'd tell her straight that she is being horrible. What does she mean you'll know what I mean when you have kids. To me she sounds bizarre. You should demand a house seeing as you gave her £2000 a month for it when you were a student. That's £24000 over 2 years. I know she's your mother and you don't wanna fall out, but you have to say something to her. Even though she's your mother, she's not a very nice person. I would feel totally hurt if my mother said I wouldn't be around if I she had a son first, that's awful.

Answer 6

I am very sorry that your Mum feels this way. It is wrong. Granted you are Indian, but you do not live in India anymore and the times have changed. I would truly take offense to your Mum. I would question her motives and ask her why she wants to do you wrong like that. Tell her how you feel. Following the Queens' example is whack! That is for royalty ONLY. You helped her out A LOT and this is how she repays you. Hold your head up. Be strong and be positive. Don't take any crap. Live your life. If your Mum continues to isolate you, then move on and do not look back. Sorry.

Answer 7

Well, parents always seem to justify things they say with, "When you have children of your own, you'll know what I mean." I got engaged the other day and my mom didn't seem happy for me at all, so I asked her. She said she was sad and that I would understand someday. I just wish she would show some happiness for me. I'm 22 and I have a wonderful man that's so good to me. He loves me more than anything. He will take care of me so well. She's still sad though cause I'm her youngest child and managed to also be her first child getting married. My brother moved out a couple of years ago; my sister still lives at home.

But anyway, you should definately be hurt by this. My mom says this stuff out of love, your mom isn't. Your mom is basically saying she regrets having the rest of you. That's horrible to say. Who cares if your brother gets her three houses? She sounds greedy.

The way I see it, she may get what's coming to her. I mean, you girls have taken care of her in the past. If she were to have an illness on down the road, sounds like you girls would take care of her too. The one she dotes on so much may not be there, but if she's anything like my grandmother (who allows her grandson to abuse her because she favors him), she won't think nothing of it. In fact, she may love him more.

Answer 8

i am in the same sitation iam 32 and my brother is 29. i just
got marriage may of last year and i just bought a house last week
i just moved into my house last week getting the hell out her hers!
i feel how you feel i was my moms back bone ever since i started
working at 18 years old i have been helping her take care of her
family which is my brother and father. iam a student to in college
and i know how that financial aid thing works and i was giving
her all of my money too. one check i got for $17.000 i splited
the check with my mother because she always complains and still does about how she has to struggle like she is the only one
on earth struggling. i keep $400 of my money and gave her the rest to buy her an new red ford focus car. i never go what she
took back. but my brother she never takes from him she dose
for his lazy butt. he stayed in her house for 29 years and never
paid her rent or anything but me living of $673 a month for
socail security i cant stay in her home without paying her $300
a month for rent or help buying food. but he can because he would not work. now he works and she told him to keep his
first two paychecks but i could not keep all of my money last month to help my husband pay closing cost on our new home.
but what i did was got married moved out and got my own
freaky brand new house with my husband and now kids yet.
now let her favorite help her pay bills now.

Answer 9

Non so queer as folk - especially family. Your mum's decisions and actions are based on her own experiences during her life, both mentally and emotionally. How does your brother / sisters feel about this? Personally, I'd pick a good time to tell my mum exactly how I felt, quietly, honestly and as a motional as possible. Listen to her answer, accept it and move on. I'd still love my mum but I'd concentrate on my own life more. Good luck.

Answer 10

Just get your head down, work hard and good things will come. You don't need approval from your parents to feel better about yourself