after 20 yrs of marriage, any advice how to keep it together, its seems we are more like room mates?

Question

then husband /wife. yet but to scared to leave. plz any advice how can we make this better?

Answer 1

Very common problem. You're not alone. But, it's not a sign that "it's over". You've both gotten into a life rut and you think you're stuck. But, you're not.

The key is communication and a positive attitude: the glass is half full, not half empty.

On your own, go back and think about why you married in the first place. Aside from sex, what were the things that brought you together and that had real meaning and value? How long did that last? Did you change? Did he? Did you grow in different directions? When did that start? Did you both ignore the growing apart or did you talk about it? Can you talk about it now?

You may need to get a "referee" (marriage counselor) to keep the discussion on track and to call "time out" when the discussion gets a bit heated and personal. You need to sort out who you are now, who he is now, and what's left of "us". You've got 20 years of history together, so there has to be something more than just pictures and home videos of it, right? Are there kids? Pets? Mutual friends? Social clubs? More importantly, is their friendship and love for each other? Do you admire him and he you? Do you have respect for each other as persons?

If the relationship is basically sound, you just need to do some renegotiation of the contract, so to speak. Room mates may be the best that will come of it. But, I'll bet that there is more than that.

One caution: don't be influenced by movies and TV. Those sources of entertainment have very little to do with reality. Besides, the only reality that is vital to you is yours and that of your husband.

Remember, life is an adventure. Make it work for both of you, together!

Answer 2

Girl: It seems that you have simply lost your first love. Leaving your husband will fix nothing since you have already demonstrated that you cannot pass the test of time with your current mindset. Marriages are like anything significant in life--maintenance is needed. Chances are that you have either neglected your physical being so the lust and passion of yesteryears is no longer present or you have become too involved with children or work and your relationship has taken a back seat. BUT, don't despair since there is help. Mr. M recommends that you begin emphasizing your relationship above ALL else. If you do not, the children and everything else will suffer. A marriage is NOT about children or societal position as much as it is about the couple. THE COUPLE's relationship makes a home and maintains it intact. You need: 1) a healthy and ongoing intellectual relationship, 2) regular sexual encounters, 3) time alone for romance. I guarantee that if you will put your marriage relationship above all others, the rest of your life will take care of itself.
Mr. M has been married for a long time and this is his formula for success. You should ask Mrs. M tell her side (OOOHHH, YEAH!).
Live life intentionally and take responsibility for your own happiness. Marriage is what you make it so make it what you want it to be. After all, how many times do you want to start over?
Cheers.
Mr. M on "20 years."

Answer 3

Make time for one another, plan a date night once a week. Make it a point to do things togeather like cooking or walking or anything to spend time with them and get to know them again. Try and remember why you fell in love with them in the first place and see what happened. People and relationships change with time and both of you may need to make some sacrafices to get the changes you've gone through as individuals, let alone a married couple, back in line. But then I'm sure you know that relationships require a lot of work. I would start off by telling this person how you're feeling and ask them their opinon on the subject, hopefully you'll be able to have an open and productive dialogue about what's going on in your relationship and where you both are. Then go from there.

Answer 4

Marriage changes over the years sorry to say. That giddy romantic feeling tends to go away. You have to work hard to keep it alive. If you want to reconnect you need to start communicating with intimate conversations. Go on dates and do some of the things that you used to enjoy together before kids, life, etc... Dont throw 20 years away too easily you will just be in the same situation a few more years down the line with someone else.

Answer 5

Talk about the past, try to do the same things together.
Joking and making each other laugh, talk about your day.
Talk about what you miss doing together and ask them if they want to sometime.
Do something sweet, cook your spouse's favorite dish or food and say you made it because you remembered they liked it.
Spice up the relationship, you spouse is probably bored so try new things, bring out the wildness in you. When your both sleeping together, instead of sleeping on the edge try sleeping closer together and try hugging them. Feelings are bound to come back, theres a reason why you both got married.
good luck and i hope I helped!

Answer 6

ok it extremely is my handle this. Being married an prolonged time does no longer equivalent on the factor of perfection. shall we predict a number of those human beings stay collectively out of loyalty, or protection, or for the babies sake, or in basic terms too scared to bypass away one yet another, (some human beings might quite stay in a foul dating than the uncertainty of being on there own). Now word none of those have something to do with love. What with reference to the couples who've have been given divorced after 30 years collectively and considered one of them has had affairs for years. we are all distinctive and that i dont think of one answer will artwork for anybody.yet I do have self assurance you may have marvelous dating as long as you the two share the comparable values and artwork collectively to maintain the dating alive, excting, communicate nicely, and dont do something to harm one yet another.

Answer 7

Well you should know by now being married so long that the intense passion comes and goes. Start by thinking each morning what you could do to make your spouse's life better and do it. Make sure you are making time for each other.

Answer 8

Mala,
I read your question and it's the SAME here, only, 17 yrs. in a relationship. That's it for me too, that it's scary to "leave."

This is what I'm trying to figure out. I'm just "dealing" with life, though. For me, I know I NEED to make a decision.

Answer 9

I feel the same way only after 33 years. Each has to give in and do what the other wants. If only one does then it never works for very long.

Answer 10

well,doing things together,things that interest both of you,communicate in general,make life more colourful that is what we has being doing for the past 27yrs of marriage.