Married 20 years to a good man, but still lonely in my marriage. No romance, no attraction, nothing in common.

Question

I feel dead inside because I am in this marriage where we don't share anything in common besides our past and our kids. I love him as a person, as my best friend, but not as a man and I feel SO OLD. (I'm 39) We don't talk hardly at all, we don't have any fun anymore, it's just gotten overwhelmingly hard to deal with now. I LOATHE the thought of trashing the marriage because it will devastate my kids, but I am lost as to what to do. I'm not even sure I'd be happier single. We got married young (me 20, him 21) and neither one of us had done much living. We were young and stupid (and didn't even HAVE to get married!) and made this decision before we even knew what marriage meant. Now I feel trapped, lonely, isolated, and bored and what's worse is I feel GUILTY for feeling this way. But what do I do? I can't PRETEND to be in love with him. Can't PRETEND to be attracted to him. Now what?

Answer 1

I'd give you some suggestions, but it doesn't sound like you want to be with him or work on your marriage.

Answer 2

My heart really goes out to you. If you’d read the questions posted here every day you’d see your situation is not at all unusual. It is NOT you. I don't see how he could even believe that bunch of bull. He's lost all or almost all of his desire for sex -knows it - so he says all men are like that. BULL SH*T. Our libido is somewhat like the color of our eyes; our height; the color of our hair, etc. Those things were set the instant we were conceived and there isn’t much we can do about them. You might dye your hair, but you damned sure can’t dye your libido. Whether high, low or any spot between, guys generally hit their peak in that department between the ages of 19 to 25; you ladies between 28 and 35. So even a guy with a low libido appears to have a high one in his early 20’s. It’s a lot like a guy who has bald genes; who would ever have thought that full head of hair would be gone by the time he was 25? Both males and females with truly high libidos will lose their interest slowly and often maintain their interest in sex well into their senior years (just ask me). lol Whereas the “lows” lose their interest a lot sooner and faster. Pills can help a guy who has the desire but can’t get an erection. But pills don’t do a thing for the guy who has lost interest. Meanwhile his wife who happens to have a high or at least a medium libido is stuck. Her self-esteem goes south; she becomes sexually frustrated and really doesn’t know what the problem is or what she can do about it. This happens so often I’ve finally written a generic response and saved it in my word processor so I don’t have to type it all over again. Sadly the lady’s options, as I see it, are very few and none of them are worth a flip: divorce, find a lover; get some adult toys; or, learn to live with it. My individual suggestion to you is to try to put up with it until junior is gone and immediately file for divvorce. Believe me there are plenty of men out there looking for a woman who still has some interest is something beside race cars. :) I'm 77 and think I've finally found a woman who is still a woman. BTW when I was 45 it was 3 to 4 times a week and sometimes more often than that. It gradually dropped to once every week to ten days about the time I hit 70. But I've found something that I think has helped and if that's so - it's back to 2 or 3 times a week. And whether that proves to be the case or not - take it to the bank - I'm hugging and cuddling until the day I die. Good luck.

Answer 3

Don't feel guilty.

You do need to come to some realizations, however. The honeymoon is long over. Did you think that you would be madly in love forever? The longer you are with someone, the more your love will change. Comfort and stability replace desire and passion. It's a natural progression. You say you love him as a person and as a best friend, and for some that's enough. If you want to increase the intimacy or passion, there are ways to do that. Trust me, at 40, the guy still has plenty of sex drive. Find a way to rekindle his fiery side.

You two have built a family. That's more improtant than anything else.

Answer 4

20yrs being unhappy, now wondering what to do. It will
be a tough road ahead as so much time has elapsed.
Sit down with your husband and tell him exactly how you
feel and ask him does he have any suggestions, also try
and go to marriage counseling with him and see if that
works and if not then last but not least think of your kids
and maybe that will help you. Surely at one time in your
marriage you were both happy so just sit down and
reminese and maybe that will help you get through. There
is not really too much that can be done as it has been
quite some time since you and him have been happy to-
geather. All you can do is try and cope with the situation
as it could be even worse if you did divorce.

Answer 5

you married him for a reason. Marriage is full of ups and downs and sometimes you like eachother and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you can be very attracted to the other person and sometimes they've done something (like ignored you) and that can make them very unattractive. Make sure you are making a thoroughly thought through decision, especially if there is the possibility that be single really isn't what you want. Make sure you really aren't in love or unattracted to him and not that you are disliking what he is doing or not doing right now . Think about what brought you together and see if maybe you two can talk about your slump and what you can do about this. If nothing else try counseling, it he isn't emotionally or physical abuse, addicted to drugs or alcohol, it may just be a slump and it will pass. Best of luck.

Answer 6

Life is too short to be so unhappy. Your kids will appreciate a happier Mom if you were to give yourself a chance to find happiness. Just because your husband is a good man does not mean he is a good man for you!! Maybe there is a woman out there who would worship the ground he walks on and they could be madly happy together... if that woman isn't you.... that is not anyone's fault. There is a man out there who will rock your world... how can you ever find him if you are trapped in a loveless marriage. Don't place blame. Your goal here is your happiness, not to destroy your husband.

Being alone and happy is better than being with a man you do not love and miserable. You are staying with him for fear of the unknown. That is no excuse at all. Everyone deserves to be deliriously happy.

Good Luck to you!!

Answer 7

I am not sure to how many women have this problem with their husbands, but I don't want to repeat the same things over and over again. So, I will make this short and it may be worded differently too. You either want to stay married or you don't. Don't run away from your problems in your marriage, fix them. Don't take the easy way out by getting a divorce, work on your marriage instead.

I would consider on reading, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage".

You need to bring that spark back into your marriage. Lite the fire and keep it burning! (smile)

Answer 8

I was married young, was in this situation only I was younger
30 I wake up one day and say to myself oh mg I am going to be old with out ever living (I was 18 when we got married & a virgin)
he was a bad lover also (I can tell that thing should be better)
so I ask for a divorce
but in my case he was not my best friend, I did no trust him
so I talk to my children expalain to them how I felt and move one from their
It has been hard not because of the kids but him who refuse to
let go.
You need to talk to your children be honest tell them that you need their help in deciding what to do, talk to your husband he probably feels the same way you do just don't want to say anything about it
so have a talk and go form there
Good luck & Start living

Answer 9

Well, you are half of this equation, so you have a lot to own up too. Marriage is really hard work, and you have to nurture it and feed it. No one can change how you feel except YOU - and it sounds as though you need a HUGE attitude adjustment to feeling POSITIVE about your husband and family. Remember what it was like when you were DATING and how giddy you were when you were first MARRIED? That can all come back, if you WANT it to. This is up to YOU, and you can do it if you put EFFORT into it, and cheer up. Make yourself interesting, get involved in your life, don't LET your life pass you by.

Answer 10

Who is your staying helping? Are your kids as happy as they can be? Is your husband really happy? Did you ask them how they are feeling? You might not be alone, your husband may be struggling with the same feelings, loving you and grown used to being with you and not sure what he would do without you, just knowing that he isn't as happy as he could be? Perhaps, I think you need to tell the truth, your story makes sense and is not offensive at all. I don't think he would think less of you if you set the record straight. You might be surprised, he might be alot more understanding than you think and you both may win in this situation. Or......you could bottle it up forever and just grow to be bitter over time, that doesn't sound like something you want.

Answer 11

Have a very discreet affair. Obviously if you two aren't having sex he is getting it somewhere else too. If you can handle it, it surely will let off a little steam for you and once you find that other men find you to be an attractive passionate woman you'll feel better about yourself too. Be smart, be careful, don't lend any guy money for any reason, (if a guy asks run!), be discreet, and be alive again.