Stuck in "limbo". Should I leave my husband already?

Question

We have been together for 6 years (4 years married) now. I moved countried to give our relationship a chance. My husband is a great person: kind, smart, reliable, able to provide, loves animals like I do. The thing is that our relationship has been not good for a long time, our intimacy died 3 years ago. A part of the problem I think was that he would dismiss my feelings. I started to forget what it's like to feel like a woman and ended up having an affair. it was a poor choice, but I felt like we were going through an emotional divorce. We tried counselling and it confirmed that my husband had controlling issues. Also, he has not been forthcoming whether he wants or not to have kids. He came up with a lot of excuses "not ready" or "our relationship is not stable enough", or "may be next year". I feel very lonely and fear that I am wasting my time. At the same time, he has been my family for so long now and I don't even know if my life is here or back in my home country. Thank you!

My husband can not explain why he does not want intimacy. He tried to date recently. I would not have kids at this point of time.

Many time we tried to talk and either he is defensive or closed up. I would not have children with him at this point of time. My husband is quite insecure and treats me like a child.

Answer 1

you are not stuck in limbo or anywhere else, you just have a tough decision to make..if there is no intimacy, your marriage is already over. every one needs at least a small amount of intimacy in their lives, especially if you have been married 4 years. if he doesnt want children or a family life, maybe you should be rethinking your future, (without him) you seem to be a decent and kind, loving woman.. so do what you know you SHOULD do.. sometimes it is better to give up than live in misery for the rest of your life,because resentment just builds and builds.. soon something has to give..

Answer 2

Well, your actions are not of an adult. Just because you want your way, you run out and have an affair. Have you ever thought about, maybe there's a medical problem that may cause him to be this way, which in turn, cause him to come off as controlling. Maybe it's the things you say and do to cause him to behave this way. Maybe, he feels pressures into having a baby that he's not ready for. Maybe providing for the household and you has taken a toll on him. Find a job, if you don't have one , then you won't think about him not fulfilling you, you won't have all that time and energy on your hands. Two working is better than one and these days it take everyone in a home to bring something to the table. He's not dismissing your feelings, he might not want the added responsibility's of caring for a grown woman and a child. Intimacy is more than sex, it's communication, understanding and compromising.

Answer 3

That's a question you will know in your own time. I don't think you are a bad person for having an affair. I can see how when someone is so emotionally detached you might just reach out to get something you are not getting in your relationship. But I think you should just take the time to figure out what it is that YOU want and be honest with your husband that if he can't meet you somewhere in the middle, then it is over. I know you love him, but you don't want to cheat you or him out of something you two both deserve and that's happiness. The affair is bad, bc now there are trust issues, but if you two can find your way back then I am happy for you, if not I wish the two of you the very best. Everyone has a breaking point, and I know you didn't meant to have an affair. But if you don't see things changing, then I say get out of it b/c you dont want a relationship where people are going to get hurt. Good luck with everything.

Answer 4

A good marriage takes hard work... Stick it out.. You did go out side of the marriage and so early into it... Its easier to give in.. What were the words..O yes "for better or worse" now if he was able to stand by you, after you cheated then you should be able to stand by him...I hate to say it but if I was him! I wouldn't want kids now... You are on hear asking about leaving him and you want kids with him? I think you need to step out side of yourself and look at it from his point... I have only been married for five years. with him for seven but I have never or would ever cheat on him.. We work very hard at our relationship... (and trust me some days are better then others.and some times We have to pick up where the other is slacking. But we know that we would never leave or cheat on each other. So we don't have to be on our best every day.)You were talking about your intimacy died three years ago... Well then take three more to try and get it back...
I wish you both the best...
I hope that you don't take anything I said to be mean... "I have been accused of this in the past" If you did then I am sorry..

Answer 5

I think we may be married to the same man! I too am in a sexless marriage with a man who is controlling. Like your husband, he has good points that I can't dismiss but it is very difficult to be in this situation. You need to do some serious thinking about what you want in a marriage. Do you want to live without the intimacy that a marriage is supposed to have? Do you want to have a life without children? Because this guy doesn't seem to want them. If you had kids would this be the ideal father?It's too bad about the affair but I understand the desperation that drove you to it.
Really weigh the pro's and con's and you'll be able to make the right choice.
Good Luck!

Answer 6

Sounds like you too dismiss feelings, etc.

For example, you dismiss his views on having children as excuses. Tell me, how is this any different from what you say he is doing.

I'll tell you, it's not.

Even if your husband is everything you say he is, and I have some doubts about that as affairs often have folks re-write history and villianize the spouse to help justify the affair, there is no reason for you to do many of the same things to him that you complain about.

I've already cited one, the dismissal of his feelings regarding having a child. (Given what you say about your marriage, I agree with him, you do not need to bring a child into this drama, it's not fair to your husband and more so, not fair to the child.

When you went to counseling, did you mention your affair. You do understand that keeping information from your husband is a form of control. So far, I'm two for two, complaints about his are evident in your own description of what is going on.

Let's see, no intimacy, so how was your affair contributing to a close, more intimate marriage? I'm three for three.

Look, I'm not saying your husband is a great catch. He may be steady, stable, good providing, but largely boring man. However, that's the man you chose.

It seems like you want to change him. I could be wrong, but it seems that way.

Do you know what that is? That's right, it's another indicator that you too have some control issues.

This probably sounds harsh, yet I hope you've read it to the very end. Why? Because if you really want a better marriage, you have to address your part of the problem. You can complain about everything he does wrong, but the bottom line is you only have control over your own actions.

So fix your side of the equation and see if you can engage him in doing one thing you would like to see him to do improve the marriage.

However, be willing to really listen, and not dismiss his views as excuses or complaining, or controlling when you tell him that he gets to ask you to do one thing, his way, to improve the marriage.

Example, you might tell him that you feel most loved when he leaves you notes, and you ask him to write you one love note every day. He just does it.

He may say in return that he feels most loved when you initiate a "nooner" twice a month, so you plan to ravish him on his lunch hour, no complaints about how tough it is to plan.

Those are examples, but you open the discussion by saying you want to demonstrate love the way he wants it, and you make it safe for him to describe what that is without dismissing what he says. You ask for him to do the same for you.

Perhaps every month or three, you revisit this and add another thing each of you wants.

I'm sorry you miss your family back home. I hope you can use this advice to build a strong marriage. It doesn't just happen, you have to work at it. And you have to trust that your husband knows what feels like love to him, and you have to encourage him to accept that love may look very different to you. Finally, you both have to be willing to do those things the other describes as being a loving action.

If he won't do this, then tell him goodbye. But until you have tried to meet his expectation of love and asked him to do the same, and you meet his expectation, but he isn't even trying, then you shouldn't leave.

If he is trying, but failing, don't leave, provide encouragement instead.

While your idea of love may be a clear picture in your head, he doesn't live in your head, so it certainly is not as clear to him.

You have to look for effort and willingness. Don't expect perfection, but look for genuine effort and willingness. If those are not there, give fair warning, and if things don't get better, act in accordance with the warning.

Answer 7

I really think you need to sit down and really think about the pros and cons of your relationship. It sounds like a lot has gone on and you really know what you what to do, you just need the okay. You need to do what you feel is right. If he doesn't want kids and you do then no move on and talk about this with your next partner before getting married. If he doesn't want to be intimate and you do then move on. Maybe a little time apart and a trip back to your home to your country would help you to find where your life should be. Best of luck.

Answer 8

Maybe bring children into your family isn't the best idea, if you divorce later the kids will be hurt. Don't ever tell him that you think you are wasting your time if you don't have children. He will think that you think he is a waste of time. If you were able to have an affair then you probably weren't suppose to be with him to begin with. But if you both are willing to work on it maybe it could go back to like when you first met.

Answer 9

Why is divorce even an option? He hasn't abused you, he doesn't have an addiction, BUT you did have an affair. I guess if you don't take your marriage vows seriously then get a divorce, but I don't even think that leaving your spouse should even cross your mind except under extreme circumstances. If you want to be one of the lazy ones that doesn't want to tough it out through thick and thin then go ahead.

Answer 10

No I do not feel you should leave your husband and marriage as of yet anyways. You both need help and counseling for your marriage now to try to make it work if at all possible. You never should have had that affair but life goes on and you will have to get past this and move on with your marriage and your husband. I would not worry about having children as of yet until you can work out some of the issues in your marriage. You need to do all you can to try to work on and save this marriage.

http://www.drphil.com