Really need a mans opinion but if your a single mom and can help.........?

Question

I've caught my son 3x's "getting to know hisself better". I wouldn't have said anything but I've caught him 2x's in my bed with me in the bed. I just don't know what to say or even how to say anything because he's only 11y.o. and I don't want to scare him in anyway. What would be a good approach to talk to him?

Answer 1

I am furious at some of the most irresponsible and downright stupid answers that were given to this mom's desperate question!I hate to admit it but I happened to run into the exact same situation when my son was 11 and that was only a few months ago.My son goes to school from his dad's house, and I get him once a week and every other weekend.My son is very well-rounded and popular and very active in 4-5 sports each school year.But I miss him so much since he has been with his dad more, and as a mom who loves her only son more than life itself, I tend to not want to let him grow up.Sometimes he comes and crawls into bed with me and I will never tell him he can't do this b/c we do not lay there and hold each other or do anything dirty or nasty. I am HIS MOTHER.The people who have a problem are the ones who have let society dictate that a parent and child can no longer have an innocent loving relationship.I once crawled into bed with my mom b/c I had had a really bad day when I was in my late teens. It was just feeling like I was little again and completely protected that gave me comfort. You should never feel like you have lost that forever.Granted there are boundaries before it becomes creepy and it depends on how open your relationship is, as well. Anyway, back to the question..I woke up one Sunday morning and my little boy was "growing up" beside me in the bed(we were approximately 1-2 feet apart). You have to remember that for most little boys, "mommy" is always a symbol of comfort and familiarity. Unless you have discussed the feelings they are now having, they are most likely very confused and uncomfortable with the urge to "find" themselves, and may be seeking protection form the feeling by being near you. Being near you is probably nothing to do with the act itself. I had to make myself calm down and think hard and long about the situation. My son and I have a very open relationship discussion-wise. I would rather he ask me any question than to ask his friends and he is well aware of this. I candidly told him that the feelings he was experiencing were completely natural and normal and healthy, and I had no problem with him masturbating as long as it was done in private such as is in the shower. We had a very long talk and he asked me some very difficult questions, but from that moment on, our relationship has never been better. He comes to me with everything, even sensitive questions, and he knows I will not condescend, but will answer honestly. I have never awakened to any uncomfortable moments since then (although he rarely crawls into bed with me, it does happen on occasion, but he is my only child and there is nothing sordid or dirty about it) and his outlook has changed b/c he is not dealing with feelings that he is not normal b/c he feels the need to do this. It definitely should always be in complete private but parents should have the foresight to make sure their children never have to wonder "am I not normal?" just because they are feeling the changes every woman and man since the beginning of time have felt. I truly wish you luck and please do not listen to the ignorant words of those who would lump you in with perverts just because you are a sentimental single mom. No one understands that unless they have been there and even then, no one is exactly the same.Sorry my answer was so long, but my son is my world, and I think I know exactly how you feel. I feel like if I don't have the right answers and do the right thing perfectly every situation, I am failing b/c he depends on me for that.

Answer 2

Well, you need to tell him that what he is doing is okay, but its something he needs to do in private. You could tell him that almost all men do it.

Beyond that, it depends what kind of relationship you have. Under no circumstance should he be allowed to masturbate in front of you - I don't care if it doesn't bother you, he's gonna get some wierd hang ups if you allow it. Depending on your relationship, you could answer his questions, not say much more beyond 'do it in private', or direct him to a website like jackinworld which would answer his questions.

I don't think there's much else to be said. If you had him circumcised as an infant, he might appreciate a decent lube, which he's probably not going to go buy on his own.

Answer 3

You need to talk to him. Tell him this is something that boys do normally but its done in private.
Think he should be in his own bed, but then many families share beds. You can probably get some good info on this from Dr. Scott Public question and answers email is [e-mail]
We use him lots.

Answer 4

Your son is 11 and masturbating in your bed, with you in it? Then he has a real life Oedipus complex and needs to be seen by a therapist. It's not something you can deal with on your own, since you are the source of his problem.

Answer 5

I'm a man.

good question: why is he in your bed? if he has his own room, his own bed, getting to know himself in your bed and while you were there raises some pretty serious questions. if he doesn't have his own private quarters, then it should be about time he does.

in either case, find an emotionally neutral time (for example, not immediately after you catch him doing it) and talk to him. you could tell him, you realize that he's growing up; that he's at that stage when he's exploring and discovering things about himself, by himself; that some aspects of self-discovery require privacy; that you think it's about time he has some privacy himself; that it would be best for him to have his own private quarters.

equally important, gently but firmly point out to him that, he being no longer a baby in constant need of mothering, it would be a good time you to reclaim your own privacy, as well.

your message would be: you recognize his growing need for privacy; it's time he recognize your desire to have yours back, as well. in any case, you will always be there for him should he need to talk to you about anything that bothers him about growing up, discovering things about himself, his body, his emotions...anything.

if he insists on going into your room with you other than to talk, you can tell him that it's your private or rest time.

if he "tends" to prefer to do his self-discovery in your bed, particularly while you are there as well, asleep or awake, perhaps it's about time you sought professional help for him.

Answer 6

You dont have to scare him just talk to him about.
Its a natural thing and perfectly fine, as long as he does it in the privacy of his own room. It is a little off putting for him to be doing it in your bed if you are both in bed. Quite gross.
But dont get mad just have a nice talk about what things are appropriate in front of otrhers and what things are more appropriate to do in private.

Answer 7

An eleven year old boy should have his own bed, and never share his mother's. He did not create this problem and fixing it is beyond his control. You are an adult complaining about the consequences of your own actions.

Switch the genders. I hope you wouldn't consider it acceptable for an eleven year old girl to be in her single father's bed.

Answer 8

Why is he in bed with you? An 11 year old boy has no business being in bed with his mother period. He needs his own bed and he needs to stay in his own bed. About his "self discovery" simply tell him to keep it to HIS ROOM or the bathroom and to clean up after himself.

Answer 9

If he is coming into your bed to masturbate, then beat the crap out of him. That is entirely unacceptable and disgusting. Tell him that masturbating is a normal, but that it is a private matter and not to be shared with his mother.

Answer 10

he shouldn't do that with his mom in the bed. That's gross.
You need to tell him to stop. If that dosen't work maybe a spanking will help.