My husband doesn't help around the house or with our son?

Question

We have a 6 month old baby. He was 2 months premature and needed a lot of attention when he first came home. He is off his monitors and life is a little bit easier but my husband doesn't help out around the house or take the baby so I can have a break. I've tried talking to him numerous times and it just ends in a fight. I love my son more than anything but like any parent, I need a break from time to time.

I'm not currently working because I've been home with the baby. My husband says if I want a "break" then I can go back to work. I won't put my son in day care yet because he gets sick really easy because his immune system isn't that strong. He won't help around the house because I'm a "housewife" and that's what they do. It's not like I'm asking him to do everything. Just pick up a pop can here and there or put dishes in the dishwasher. Hold his son for more than 15 minutes a day. I'm seriously fed up!! What do I do to make him understand??

Answer 1

In some cases, it is hard for a new Dad to get attached to his child. This is a huge change for him too. There is another person vying for his wife's attention, and receiving nearly all of it. Perhaps the strain of being the only "worker" (not a put down for homemakers at all) bothers him, and maybe he feels like his is doing his part for the family. Maybe he is jealous of the immediate connection between you and your child...and wishes that he can have the same connection.
This is a real tough time...but instead of being too angry at him, ask what you can do to help, and then approach the ways that he can help in a calm manner.
My wife and I are still having problems with this. I do resent the fact that I have to go to work everyday, and my wife gets to do all the meaningful things with my daughter. I get my opportunities with her too, but, she spends the great majority of her time with my wife and not me. But someone has to bring home the bacon, right? You need to reach the point where you get your break, and he desires to hold your child longer than 15 minutes. Be patient, and with good communication and cooperation, it'll come.

Answer 2

I am so sorry you are going through that. I am dealing with a similar situation and I really feel for you. I left work to be a sahm and apparently that is all I am anymore. My little guy didn't sleep through the night until he was almost 9 months old and hubby... go up less then 10 times with him. I am unable to get a break on weekends because for some reason, he seems incapable of putting our son down for a nap, or feeding him or whatever it is that needs to be done. ( my husband is a wonderful man and is great with our son, it is just that he doesn't do very well with anything other than playtime).
You have to keep talking to him and trying to make him understand. I have been at this a year now and I am miserable. I harbor so much resentment that I can hardly stand to look at him and can't be in the room with him for more than 15 minutes. This is so hard on us. He is my best friend and I don't want to be anywhere near him!!! Having a baby is so much stress on you and him and your relationship. You have to keep talking though. If you don't you are going to end up feeling like I do and I hate being inside my thoughts right now.
Good luck and congratulations. I am glad that your son made it through his tough first months.

Answer 3

When your baby is asleep and you are both calm, let him know that you understand what the issues are for him but try to get him to understand what your daily life is like and how it's not easy to carry a fifteen pound person around while you try to get stuff done around the house. Make your husband do his own laundry--when it piles up and you are still not doing it, he'll get the picture. If you can afford it, hire someone to do the major cleaning every other week, that way you just have to vacuum every couple of days.

Tell him that you are afraid of your son's relationship with his father and insist that they spend some quality one on one time together (maybe on the weekend for an hour or two to start). This could be a grocery shopping opportunity for you--he has the baby while you run the errands.

You could also instill a date night where you find someone responsible and trustworthy to stay with your baby while you and your husband go see a movie or go out for dinner. It could even just be Starbucks for a coffee. That way you are spending quality time with each other, too.

If your husband isn't willing to meet you halfway, then I would suggest reevaluating your relationship. If he truly loves and cares about you, he will make the effort. He could just be afraid of hurting your baby or messing something up. A lot of men are afraid of babies, especially when they're preemies. If this is the case, then I would suggest sending him to a parenting class if he'll go.

You might find couples therapy useful if he won't talk about it with just you. Best of luck!

Just leave one day and go run your errands-he's going to find out REALLY fast that it's not easy to take care of a baby.

Answer 4

Welcome to my world.

Although I work full time and our son is in daycare, I can't get my husband to help with our son either. In terms of getting a break, it's crucial to your well being to have some time to regroup and be a person again. Whether it's just to take a long shower and pamper yourself, or going out with girlfriends for dinner, you need to have a chance to be someone else besides a mommy.

In my opinion, as a stay at home mom, there is a trade off. The husband works and supports the household financially and the wife takes care of the house and the family. That being said, being a stay at home mom is a full time job with a ton of responsibility, only it doesn't pay as much. You both have stressful, full time jobs and you both need a break. And he still needs to be a grown up and clean up after himself. You have one child, not two.

It sounds like you and your husband really need to have a "Come to Jesus talk", like my husband and I did. Well, actually I just threw him to the wolves and told him that I was going to go out with my girlfriends for dinner and was leaving our son with him and didn't take no for an answer.

Oh, and don't let him pull that "Fine, I'll babysit" crap. It's NOT babysitting when it's your own kid.

Answer 5

I know when I had my son, I needed a break, and I didn't have any of the issues you are having to deal with.

I don't know if there really is anything that can be said to make your husband understand...sometimes guys don't get it, especially when they aren't there all day.

Perhaps there is a friend or family member that could come over for an hour or two and watch the baby so you could take a nap, go to a movie...whatever.

It's really important that you are taking care of yourself. A happy mom means everyone is happy. Take care and good luck.

Answer 6

Try not doing anything for a few days, except take care of the baby. Don't clean, don't cook unless you want to eat it, don't do laundry or take the garbage out. Then if he says anything tell you were too busy with the baby, and if he wants things done, he can help, if not then nothing will get done and he will have to live in filth.

I'm a stay at home mom to. I had a preemie also, so I know the challenges that come with that. I'm lucky though. My hubby is very understanding and helps a lot. We have 2 now, and are expecting number 3. My hubby will come home at night and just can tell if I've had a rough day. Nothing gets done on those days, and he will step in and do the dishes and clean the kitchen. His "job" around the house is garbage, so when he gets home, he takes it out. But he does a lot more for me then just that.

My kids are really close- my oldest is 2.5 yrs old and my youngest is 16 months. Some days I'm so busy that I don't even get a shower for myself, or get anything done around the house. It's hard, but it's better then having my kids in day care and working.

Tell your husband that unless he wants to pay the doctor bills for when your baby gets sick, you need to stay home until his immune system is up to handling all those kids germs.

Maybe make out a chore chart with his name on it. Tell him that the jobs stay on his name until he does them consistently for a week. If he doesn't they will stay on his name and never get done. Then just don't worry about those jobs. If it goes too long though, you will need to step in and do it, but then don't give him something he wants. Just start showing him that you need help, and everything you have to do is killing you. Let laundry pile up if you need to, or don't do dishes for a day or two. Before long, he'll get the hint and help. If he doesn't, then tell him you are leaving with the baby until he can see that you need help. Tell him that being a housewife is like any other job, but you do it 24/7 with no breaks. Ask him how he would feel if he had to be at work with no break for that long. I don't think he would be happy with it.

Try finding other moms in your area that are willing to help out, or family members that are willing to watch the baby for a while so you can go do something for yourself. You need to take care of yourself, just as well as the baby. I don't think most men get that. They just think that we are super women who don't need anything for ourselves, or because we are home all day, we have time to do things we want to do, which isn't true at all. Maybe he needs to take some time off to watch what you do all day. A weekend isn't enough. He needs to see how things work day to day. Maybe tell him you are leaving him with the baby for a few hours and he needs to watch him. He's the father, he needs to take some responsibility for the baby too.

Maybe print out some stuff on the roll of fathers and husbands. Maybe he'll get mad about it, but maybe something will sink in.

Answer 7

I am sorry, I hope you don't take offense because none is intended, but your husband is being a jerk. This sounds like something you see on Dr.Phil. This is a tough on. I think you and your husband need some counseling. In the meantime, is there any other family members near by that can give you a break? Maybe a friend?
Sounds to me like your husband is a control freak. I don't like to see marriages break up, but if you don't get some help with this it will only get worse. Don't let him get by with this. You may need to leave to get your point across. By all means if he gets hateful or rough with you, call the law and get yourself and baby away from there. God's blessings to you!

Answer 8

When your husband is home, grab your purse and as you are walking out the door, tell him you are going out for a while, watch your child while I'm gone.
And leave.
Come back when you are good and ready.
That child is his just as much as it is yours. If you were to get a divorce, then he would fight for custody. So don't ask him just tell him when you are walking out the door.

After a few times of this, he will realize why you need a break. Sometimes hard headed people need to be shocked into reality.
It is selfish of him to think that you are a robot who doesn't need a break.

Answer 9

My husband did NOTHING I worked full time ( he didnt work) and i cooked, cleaned, and did the mommy thing. He would not do anything.I had to pay daycare with my son because he would neglect him and not change him.

Im now divorced mom of 2 with # 3 on the way, I must say its actually less work with him gone. I come home to a clean home, instead of having to walk around and gather his dishes and clothes that he used or wore while I was at work.

Answer 10

Sounds like your husband feels quite a bit under appreciated since the birth of your son. All your attention went to the baby for a long time. Try making him feel more special to you and go from there. If you need a break from 'babydom' hire a sitter for a couple of hours once a week so you can get out on your own.