My husband of 17 yrs, was recently diagonosed with depression,he feels that he no longer loves me and struggling with these feelings may have caused his depression.things have been up and down as far as i can tell for about 12 months, and he really cant seem to say when these feelings began. We are trying to work things out, he is on meds and we are seeing a councillor.But my heart is breaking and Im not sure how much longer i can be strong for the both of us. We have 4 beautiful children who have no idea we are this close to seperating.not sure what the right thing to do is, i still love him very much and he does not want to hurt me or our family.Can anyone help?
2007-02-25 10:07:23 · 17 answers · asked by mareeL 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Continue the counseling. Give the medications time to work--If they don't after he's been on them a month, he may need a different pill. He needs to see the doctor.
It's possible his depression is making him say he doesn't love you. He just doesn't love himself very much now.
Be patient.
Good luck.
2007-02-25 10:12:17 · answer #1 · answered by diannegoodwin@sbcglobal.net 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As much as what I am about to say wont be what you wish to hear, it is what I think will serve you best as far as advice.
First, do what you promised to do, as in being a good woman and wife and treating he and the family well. Being a good person when it isnt easy will speak volumes of you.
Next, realize that there is only so much that you can do. You are fighting several things here. 1. A medical condition. 2. The normal accepted things of today, such as leaving cause a person cause you dont feel it anymore. 3. You are fighting your own fears and worries, plus maybe some religious convictions too.
Now, unfortunately, there is nothing you can really do to cause or make another person think or see anything, other then what they wish and want to see or believe. The best you can do is to put your best forward if you havent already and try to show them that they have it pretty good with you. But you also have to start to take a realistic look at the fact that they may leave and you will have to deal with that and still live life. So it would be in your interests to start seeing that and helping yourself as best you can if that does happen. See a lawyer, see a financial planner, etc. Make plans for his leaving, just in case he does or incase he has to be hospitalized, or things like that.
Realize that counseling is a good thing, but that a person also has to see they have a problem on their part and then be willing and able to fix it. Also hope that the counselor isnt one of those liberal fruit cakes who seem to dominate such professions. If they are, they will only try to validate what hubby thinks and wants, unless he wants to do the right things. If your counselor is one of those, interview some more and find a good one. Simply my opinion, but not all counselors are equal, good, caring or ethical.
I know all of this hurts, and it isnt what you might think will help. But you have to be realistic and realize the above things and you have to protect yourself. Lastly, if you havent been doing so, pray and pray hard.
2007-02-25 10:27:44 · answer #2 · answered by Mr. JW 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry to hear of your stress and situation. Right now, it must appear hopeless at times, but keep the faith. 17 years is a lot of time to toss away...you both have worked hard to get this far. Furthermore, your decisions at this juncture take on a critical importance because your children will be very affected by any choice you make. Depression can be so debilitating to the sufferer and to those around them. What would you have your husband do for you, were the roles reversed? Let that be your guide. If you have not sought out counseling from your clergy or another trusted professional, make the appointment. It can make a real difference. Medication can help your husband, but it is a process to find the best med and the right dosage...Best of Luck to you all. Stay Strong.
2007-02-25 10:17:03 · answer #3 · answered by Dr. J 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, I think it's great that you're standing by him and that you both are seeing a counselor. I wonder if he's in individual counseling as well, because that may also be helpful. And sometimes it can take a while before a person gets on the meds that help them. It also speaks well of you both that the kids aren't aware just yet, because hopefully, things will be resolved before long, and that will save their feelings. As a sufferer of depression, I understand how it can affect relationships, and I also struggled in the past with whether I really loved my husband or not. Fortunately, the therapy and meds paid off, he stuck with me, and now I couldn't imagine life without my true love. I hope this will be your case because as someone else said, seventeen years is a long time.
2007-02-25 10:47:07 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes I think he can. I was clinically depressed for a while and during that time most of the time I just felt numb (not happy, sad angry or anything) once I found the right meds and a good psychiatrist things did eventually get better. It does take time before you really see results and it's a gradual process. Maybe ask his counsellor if you could be treated as a couple as well or if you could have a referral to a marriage counsellor to help with the problems you're facing as a couple.
2007-02-25 11:27:38 · answer #5 · answered by C T 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let's review...........you've been married to your husband for 17 years and have 4 children. The good news is that they have no idea of your struggle. Keep it that way! They shouldn't be burdened with this. Second, when you were married wasn't it for better or for worse and not for as long as things don't get too hard? Marriage is about trials and tribulations. It's about upholding your commitments. If your husband is clinically depressed, what do you think that his wife of 17 years divorcing him will do? Do what's best for your marriage and your family!
2007-02-25 10:20:30 · answer #6 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
No-one can answer this question - the answer lies within your husband. A good book to read is "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. You need to find out how you feel and what you want and your own limits and whether or not you can keep going.
Good luck!
2007-02-25 10:12:07 · answer #7 · answered by goodcompanypls 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes Shalal is very right
that first person is so rude!!!!
its hard to say
he does sound like he does not love you anymore & him saying he don't want to hurt you well dah !! he already has!
I think you should let him go because he only depressing you as well
stay friends ( so to speak) for the kids sake & never run him down to your beautiful kids or you will hurt them
all the best
2007-02-25 10:25:09 · answer #8 · answered by ausblue 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
most people are going to say..get a theropist..talk about it!
let me tell u. 9x of out 10 that those things wont work.
You cant fix this. YOU alone can not. and i can tell you,
not loving someone and having to live and deal with them on a daily basis can and IS depressing. if he doesnt love you anymore, seperate for awhile. your going to go crazy trying to make someone love you, and in the mean time your going to start to feel very down and depressed about yourself.
the interesting thing is..is you cant fix him. the only thing you can do is help YOU. have a trial seperation for a time, see where that goes. if not your goin to go insane! i promise you this.
2007-02-25 10:18:22 · answer #9 · answered by lisa baby... 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is a sad stort .depresion can make a person feel so empty inside until they think whats the use they feel like they have nothing inside them to offer any more he needs to be reminded by his children how much hes loved and needed if he can find strength any where its through his kids good luck p.s. god still answers prayers
2007-02-25 10:24:02 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋