Constructive criticism please :)?

Question

Here is my poem:

Alone

I sit in the dark
Wait for the end
Squeeze the teddy bear tightly
My only friend

I wanna dissolve
Into the black sky
I scream and scream
But nobody hears my cries

What happens when your world
Is completely torn apart
All that's left of you
Is a shredded up heart

What do you do
When you've nowhere left to run
I fall to my knees
Pray that soon it'll be done

I see the silver
The word flashes through my mind
I can leave right now
Leave everything behind

I cannot do it
I can't make my life end
If only you fakes has given me
A true friend

You didn't see I was hurt
And I needed you bad
All absorbed in yourself
And you were all I had

My insides are screaming
I need to get out
I need to get out
I need to get out

Let me out! Let me out
My beaten soul cries
Just a little love please
It whispers as it dies



Tell me whattcha think!

Answer 1

I like the substance of the first two and the last paragraphs. The other ones I had trouble hearing the words because of the un- needed rhymes. It would be so much better with a few changes to get rid of the rhyming. No need for it at all. It isn't lyrics right?

Paint me a picture to see what you see. Use descriptive words that don't depend on rhymes to encase the poem in light. Find a rhythm, cadence and structure that suits you.
Too many people write about being sad and depressed and suicidal or goth even that people that love poetry have heard all that before and will not read it. To impress a poet, you must be fresh and bring them into a world only by your words. There must not be one thing that pricks them as they read.

Here is a good example of not rhyming but being very powerful that you are capable of writing.

"Book, when I close you,
I open life.
I hear
half-severed shouts
in the harbours.
Copper ingots
cross the sandpits,
go down to Tocopilla.
It's nighttime.
Among the islands
our ocean
throbs with its fish.
It touches the feet, the thighs,
the chalky ribs
of my country.
The whole night sticks to its shores
and with the daylight
it appears singing
as if it had wakened a guitar."

~ Pablo Neruda,
from Ode to the Book (I)

Join a message board group on poetry and you will grow immensely

Answer 2

Hey, you poem does have some reallly great parts, buts at times it wanders and I feel that it is a little too long. Try deleting or reworking "I cannot do it.....A true friend" and for the first line, instead of "alone" being by itself, place it with the next line, making it "I sit in the dark alone" or "Alone I sit in this miserable gloom"

The rest is really good. Keep on writing!

Answer 3

Honestly a good poem, invokes great images and provokes the immagination.
Things to consider changing: redundancy in "I need to get out" and "let me out". A poem is short anc concise in nature, and there is no need to use repetition to enhance its impact, instead highlight your message with other statements that provoke greater mental images to solidify your message.

Answer 4

Wow. This is a great poem. It evokes so much emotion. Very moving. Well written. 10/10. If I were you, I'd try to get it published.

Answer 5

I loved it - keep writing and remember a poet never really needs to care what others think or even if their never published- A poet just needs to write.

Answer 6

I thought it was beautifully eerie but I really enjoyed it...I felt the emotion of loneliness and the sadness...I agree you should keep on writing!

Answer 7

Very good, very moving; you express your emotions well.

I was confused by the line "if only you fakes has given me."

Answer 8

It could be that you are talking of a childhood and that in the last part you are or the character is attempting for suicide. or i could be wrong....

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Answer 9

I don't like it because it's full of common phrases, cheap angst and has no depth.