When is the right time?? I want to be a fair momther?

Question

My ex and I have been divorced for alomost a year. I remarried a man with kids. When is the right time for my ex to introduce our 16 month old to his girlfriends? I say when it is a real commit to a relationship with one person. What do you think and how should we go about it? My new husbands ex made us wait 6months before I met his kids. Ages 11, 14 and 17 at the time? Please help. I want to do what is right for the children. Not myself.

Answer 1

It all depends...
I know people that wait months... even years to introduce their significant other...
How is he wanting to do it? How often does he change girlfriends? Is he serious about this one? Is she a good person?

There is alot to think about with that question...

Basically... I REALLY recommend you and he talk... either alone... or with teh signifcant others....

You have a child together... you are stuck together for the rest of that child's life...

If this is the only thing you ever disagree on, consider yourselves lucky.

The one BIG rule of thumb.... BOTH of you have to decide to LOVE your child MORE than you hate each other... or are even angry at each other.

I am including links to co-parenting and step-parenting web sites.

Read through them... forward them to your husband, your ex, his ex... whoever is involved with you, your chidlren, or your step children.

Good luck.

Answer 2

because your child is so young it's not really as big a deal as with an 11-17 year old.
By ages 11-17 children know what it means to be dating and what it means when dad has a girlfriend and it's respectible that he waited until the two of you had a good foundation before you and the children met. Likewise your ex husband should have a good relationship with the woman before introducing her into the childs life, Children can become attached really easily so it'd be better to know they get along well and they might be around for a while before getting the child involved.

Answer 3

First, I admire your desire to do what is best for your children!

Ideally, I think your instinct that your husband be in a committed relationship is correct. Children that age become so easily attached and a constant stream of people in and out of his/her life could be harmful and confusing.

Use your best tool, a mother's instinct, to know when the timing is right. I don't think there's a "one size fits all" solution. When the time does come, I'd introduce the woman to your child on a casual basis, as "daddy's friend." Let them go and do some fun things and slowly take the time to bond and get to know each other. It's probably hard to picture your child with another woman, but with the right perspective, you can hopefully come to see her as someone else to bring love into his/her life.

I hope your ex will work with you and as a team, you can do what's best for your child. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

Its sure funny how you've remarried, and yet still controlling your ex. What makes you think its up to you for this decision. Just because your new mans ex did this, doesn't mean its whats best for your daughter. She is only 16 months, your step children are much older. Your daughter is a part of your ex. Do you expect someone to get serious with him, when an important part of his life is being rationed by an ex. Let Daddy and Daughter have a chance at doing it there way. By the time she will be old enough to be affected by a new girlfriend of daddys' he will be in a committed relationship. Most likely

Answer 5

I believe that the worst thing a child of divorce can go through is meeting an endless parade of women (or men), maybe getting attached to one and then losing that person, too. Children do not need to be involved in their parents lovelife. I think it would be best to keep the kids out of it until the relationship is serious enough that permanence is a real possibility. There is no magic number for that. You could date someone for months without a feeling of commitment or be ready to get married after only a few weeks.

Answer 6

My husband and I waited 3 months to introduce our children together. I met his girls shortly before that and he met my kids around that same time. My kids knew about him almost from the start. They had seen pictures of him and even had spoken to him on the phone after awhile. I did the same with his girls. My youngest was 3 when I met him and his youngest was 1 1/2. It worked well because we had time for just the 2 of us with no kids in the beginning, time to focus on just us. Plus, we did not want to bring the kids in too early until we knew we were going somewhere. Both of us had made that mistake in the past and were very protective of our kids.

One thing I know for sure....... at NO time did the ex's have ANY say in how we chose to do things with the kids. We were not being irresponsible nor were the kids ever in danger.

My ex however would actually take the kids on "Family First Date's" which drove me nuts... they were 3 & 7 when this started. I bet they went on 5 "First Date's" with Daddy.... I held my tounge. I did let him know I thought he needed to meet these women first before taking the kids along at least. That was as far as my advice went.

Bottom Line: You have little control over what your ex chooses to do about his girlfriends. If he is not putting your child in danger, this is HIS perogative. Hold your tongue and pull for him to find the happiness that you have. It will all work out in the end.

Good Luck to all of you!!

Answer 7

You are such a sweetheart, "what's right for the children". You are a selfless and caring mother. I salute you.
Though, I don't entirely understand the question (sp mistakes, I'm sorry) I'm sure you should wait until you feel the time is right and the person can be trusted. How do you know when they could be trusted? Possibly never is the blunt truth. But you've got to know. You've got to be sure you trust the person, not with your life entirely, but trust that they are mature enough to handle the meeting of the baby and has no envy. You'll know the right time. You have a mother's instinct, I can tell.

Answer 8

I say he will know when the time is right, but definately not till he is in a commited relationship. You dont want the child getting attached to one of his girlfriends and only have them breaking up in the future. You both should just sit down and talk about this.

Answer 9

well my ex has taken my kids to about 5 girls houses when he has them everyother week, there is really nothing i can do, if i say i don't feel it is right then he goes out of his way to do it. i don't know if a judge would tell him to stop or not. but i will see if it happens again. the kids seem fine with it. i have asked them. but he is a looser and i expected exactly this from him. talk to your kids about it. they are old enough to tell you how they feel.

Answer 10

Why aren't you as concerned for your own kids? You say you have been divorced for ALMOST one year and yet waited 6 months to meet your new hubby's kids and now you are already remarried. Don't be so concerned about what your ex is doing with your kids but with yourself and how fast you move and what YOU are showing them.

Good luck!