A candle flickering in the darkness
One; just a single candle,
The image of his face
disappearing, fading away
from my sight
and I'm left all alone
again, as always
it seems that it's true,
I guess it is my fate after all
to be alone, neglected, invisible from everyone else
How I wish this feeling would go away,
This feeling of hatre and pain
Whym why can' tI be engulfed by this darkness?
Is it my destiny
to wander in this infernal world
to live on forever, all eternity
watching
as everyone else goes
leaving me here
eventually I'll forget
my existence, my purpose, everything...
Wait- what is my purpose
I don't even know
How I wish to leave this damnation
Get out escape
Somehow I will
I know I will
All but one question left
When?
And I rise as the darkness nears me once more...
----it's supposed a point of view poem
but i don't know what to do,
so that's just something out of my head
help me please??
advice, editing, anything?
2007-02-25 08:46:09 · 7 answers · asked by cherry 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
i have a few typos,
like where it says
"hatre" its supposed to be "hatred"
"whym"
is supposed to be "why,"
an yeah, i didnt check the rest so if u find any, im sure u'll be able to figure out what those mean
2007-02-25 09:04:39 · update #1
I really like it. I have a suggestion though:
For this part "to be alone, neglected, invisible from everyone else", I'd write it like this:
to be alone,
neglected,
invisible from everyone else
it separates the words to give it a more emotional feel.
2007-02-25 08:52:45 · answer #1 · answered by Kimi 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's cool. i would change it to this though
A candle flickering in the darkness
One; just a single flame,
The image of his face
disappearing, fading away
slipping from my sight
I'm left all alone
again, as always
it seems that it's true,
I guess it's my fate after all
to be alone,
neglected,
invisible from everyone else
How I wish this feeling would go away,
This feeling of hate and pain
Why
why can' t i be engulfed by this darkness?
Because It's my destiny
My lot in life is to wander in this infernal world
to live on forever, all eternity
watching
as everyone else goes
leaving me here
eventually I'll forget
my existence, my purpose, everything...
Wait
what is my purpose?
I don't even know
How I wish to leave this damnation
Get out
escape
Somehow I will
I know I will
I must
One question alone remains
When?
And I rise as the darkness nears me once more...
2007-02-25 17:01:39 · answer #2 · answered by Shadow Lark 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's very good. The only suggestion I would make is that you change this line "invisible from everyone else" to "invisible to everyone else", to make the phrasing correct. I wouldn't normally make this suggestion, as it is part of the modern way of speaking, but if it is for school and your phrasing seems off, you will lose marks for it. Otherwise it is great.
2007-02-25 20:34:56 · answer #3 · answered by kiera70 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That was really good, honestly. I really felt that 'cos personally I can identify with most of what you said from line 11(How I wish this feeling would go away) onwards. It's really good.
2007-02-25 17:23:04 · answer #4 · answered by Skitch_™ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it a lot. Keep writing!
2007-02-25 16:55:30 · answer #5 · answered by Libby 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow......i mean WOW....that was reeeallly good....you should, like, publish it or sumthin cause that was awesome...can i copy and paste it and put it on my computer?
2007-02-25 17:01:55 · answer #6 · answered by Snape_Slayer 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it good
i love it
2007-02-25 16:58:32 · answer #7 · answered by Angel 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋