Teen delema HELP..........?

Question

My 12 year old daughter has been very moody and kind of withdrawn lately, I feel that something is wrong, so I asked her and she said I am upset with you because you are so strict, she is on the computer chating with friends alot, but I will not allow her to have a my space, nor a cell phone. Recently I told both of my children they are 12 and 14 that if they will potty train our dogs they can get a cell phone, she has tried, but so far very little success. She is very big on nagging and nagging to get what she wants, do you think she is just going into a Mood swing because this time I am staying so firm with her? normally I let her wear me down and she gets what she wants, and she knows that. Please I would like to hear from both young teens and parents. Thank you.

Answer 1

well if you couldn't get what you wanted as soon as possible of corse you are going to be mad!! but you have let her think that she can get any thing she wants by begging you have to stop that. i am 14 and my mom wont let me get a cell phone so i just live with it. but i cant just stay mad and beg her to get me one i will ask occasinally though!! hope this helps!

Answer 2

If she's used to getting her way, she's banking on the fact that you will back down.

Twelve is too young for a cell phone. Keep in mind that if she were to go out and purchase one on her own, she'd have to be eighteen. However, it seems as though you've already struck a deal. But, just the fact that your daughter is nagging you is sending me a red flag saying that she's not mature enough to handle the responsibility of having one. Ask her why she wants one and needs one for. If she says, "All my friends have them" or "so I can talk to my friends" then your daughter does not understand the reasons for having one. I would recommend a plan like Disney mobile which allows you to shut her phone off during certain hours and monitor her whereabouts. There are also phones that allow you to program in 4 or 5 numbers (your home, office, dad's office, grandma's and the neighbor's) so that the phone can be used for emergency purposes only or if she needs to be picked up from an after school activity. Chances are she will freak out about this arrangement, which would suggest that she doesn't want the phone for the right reasons. My question would be, where is your daughter that she can't use the home phone?

However, if your daughter is responsible and gets an allowance, you could make a deal with her and your other child that allows them to get phones if they purchase the phones themselves, and pay for a certain percentage of the bill. Also, the phones will be taken from them if they run the bill over. I think that you are right for sticking to your guns. Kids need limits.

Maybe have your kids earn the right to get a cell phone by completing other chores around the house. At age 12 and 14, your kids are old enough to begin to do their own laundry, vacuum, empty the dishwasher, or even dust. I also think that your Myspace rule is an important one. 12 year olds shouldn't have the program anyway; they're legally too young. Keep in mind that many people in college have the program and use it regularly. Do you want your twelve year old talking to twenty-two year olds? Most likely not. Good luck with your kids and the dog!

Answer 3

I agree with a previous poster - she's testing you. Adults you run across in the workplace use the tactics they learned that worked when they were kids. If throwing a tantrum, or yelling, or whining or wheedling works, that's what they'll take for the rest of their life. My wife has an annoying co-worker who always says "Oh, I don't fell well, oh, my sore ----." She's learned since she was little, that's all she had to do for someone (mom) to jump in and do her work for her.

My suggestion is to give your daughter a little help in figuring out training the dog. This shows that you care, you want her to succeed, it's not a "ha-ha I'm standing back and waiting for you to fail" task. But, make he follow through.

My dad house-trained our dog very quickly. It may seem cruel, but each time there was an "accident", he grabbed it by the scruff, pushed his nose in it, spoke loudly and sharply, whacked it on the backside, and put the dog outside on a chain for a while. I don't think it took more than 2 or 3 weeks to get the message.

The main thing is, training dogs is like training kids. You can't just say, "well I'll let it go this once" - then twice, then every time. You can't skip it this time because it's work for you. It's probably a good lesson for your daughter to learn.

I would give her a pay-as-you-go when she does get her phone, maybe an allowance for each month. Anything extra, she can pay for. That way, she'll be well aware of what it's costing her.

Answer 4

I agree with you. i mean I am only twelve and If i do have a child I doubt I would allow them to have a my-space page unless their were a few limitations. She couldn't put any form of Address, timetable, where she could be found or located at any given point of time unless displayed for a friend at school. Their are just to many shady characters out there. About the cellphone nless he stops being so stubborn. I do excellently a school and I have a cellphone and have gotten it upgraded every birthday since I was 10. I got a laptop for Christmas so don't think I am spoiled because of all this. I never get in trouble and my results have to be quite above average to keep all these privileges.

She really needs to know who is in charge and. Your word should be law. Give her what she wants only if she gives you what you want. If you know she is up to the task and is just being lazy then be firm. It should be your way or the highway and mind you she shouldn't get away from what she is told to do without consequences. Just Make sure the two of you have a good mother daughter relationship in the process. Treat her when she does something good but still let her know who is in charge.

Answer 5

Hello,

I have actually found that teens this day in age are wanting to experience more freedom, in an often dangerous way. If your daughter is not communicating with you about her problems, you need to find another way to get through to her. Try planning a night once a week where you can go and do something together away from the public eye where she might feel embarrassed or intimidated. Places she'd least likely bump into a friend. While you're out, do NOT discuss anything relating to her desire for freedom. You need to reconnect and create a trusting relationship as friends, not mother/daughter. Kids hate that. Find a way to show her she can be trusted, and try to show her you can be trusted too. Let your hair down in a way that surprises your kid. Talk to her about maybe having a party, where there will be no parents present, sodas, chips, and the like. But also lay down the ground rules. If she breaks them, let her know in advance what consequences she's in for. Also let her know you're giving her some freedom, and this is an opportunity to show she's mature enough to handle the freedom. If she blows it, you're back to ground zero. No Myspace, no phone, etc. Give it a shot. It does work.

Answer 6

From The Mind of a Cell Phone and Myspace owning teen:


About the Myspace:

Let her have one. Parents think for some reason that it is a bad thing. No, its not. we just want it to talk to our friends, no one else. If you are really concerned about her on a Myspace profile, I suggest you make yourself a myspace so you can monitor hers. You will be able to see her page, her friends, comments, and bulletins. Beside that, if you are worried about people looking at and contacting her, Myspace has features like a private profile which makes her profile viewable only to people whom she has approved to her friends. There is also an option that no one can even request to be her friend without knowing her lastname or email. It is totally safe, as long as she knows what is appropriate.




About the cell phone:

She is nagging you because she thinks that the cell phone issue is like everything else, she will annoy you untill she gets what she wants. She will continue to bother you until you give in. I would suggest that you set some goals. Depnding on how good of a student your daughter is, set academic goals. For example, if she is a B-C-D student, tell her she must get A's, but she can also get up to 2 or 3 B's. Beside that, tell her she must do ___ hours worth of chores. And if your main concern is running the bill up, she won't. If you decide to give her a cell phone, tell her the first time she runs the bill up, her cell hone will be taken away. same with texting. Also, don't let her get an expensive phone, like a Razr, Krazr, EnV, etc. although the phones are inexpensive with a two-year contract, they cost alot to replace and once she gets used to a nicer phone, she won't want anything less. (If you absolutly need to get her a nicer phone, make sure you let her know that if she breaks it or loses it, SHE will be funding a new phone.



I hoped i could be of assistance.

Answer 7

She is almost a teenager and she is testing your boundaries to see how far you'll let her go. You gave her grown up options (Like giving her the responsibility of the dog training. If she can handle that responsibility then she may get a phone.) and you're standing by that decision. That is exactly what she needs in the long run (even if it makes her mad now! She'll get over it and be better for it, I promise you.)

She's also probably having more mood swings lately because she is about to become a teenager. Puberty is creeping up and that will make anyone moody! She is trying to test limits, find boundaries, and find her independence. Stay strong with her (no myspace until she is older, btw! that's a very good call on your part.) and continue giving her choices to earn her much-wanted independence. Independence comes with responsibilities.

It sounds like you're doing a very good job with her! Just don't let her wear you down. You're the grown up here! Not her. Not just yet.

Answer 8

Kudos for stopping the myspace! There is no way I would let my 12 yr old have one. There is a Christian alternative at myccm.org if she's interested. Still, monitor it and watch what she puts on it.

Is the cell phone a need or want? I know that she obviously wants one, but is she into lots of school activities and such that it would be beneficial for you to be in contact with her?

Our 12 yr old and 15 yr old both have cells, on our account, and they pay their own monthly bills. That way they are more careful how long they talk and that they don't lose their phones.

I do agree that they need to be responsible around the house, but are they old enough and patient enough to potty train a dog? I'm not sure I am ~ yikes. Maybe give them regular daily responsibilities like sweeping, emptying dishwasher, taking out trash. If they don't do those, no phone.

It is a tight rope to walk when you hit those teen years. Don't let the moodiness get you down. Find something fun for you to do together. Don't just give in on the phone to make her happy.

Good luck!

Answer 9

I am a teenager and I have friends whose parents are strict. My parents aren't strict which makes us have a closer relationship. Since my parents understand me, I am able to tell them important things that other kids might keep secret from their parents. The stricter you are, the more the kids will want to pull away. As soon as they are out of the house they will be crazy and do everything you wouldn't let them do. You should'nt be that strict but you should know your limits. Make sure they know that no means no and don't let them take advantage of you. I think you should give your daughter a cell phone that maybe you have and see if she is responsible. If she doesn't pick up the phone when you call or if she loses it or damages it, you know she isn't old enough to have one. As for the dog situation, it might be more difficult than it looks. If she tried hard, maybe you could cut her some slack and let her have the phone anyway. If you want some kind of open relationship with your children, you need to make them comfortable with your restrictions and what you allow them to do. You have to be consistent with your punishments. Your daughter could also be going through the early stages of her period. Keep track of her behavior.

Answer 10

I was 12 not too long ago, and I was like this too. At 12, all we really want to be is old enough to be "cool". I can almost guarentee she hates telling people she's 12, because she's at that age where she's not old enough to be a "cool", independant person, but she's too old to be cute. So, she's being all moody and mad because she's mad that you (like the rest of the world) aren't treating her like she's 20. Which you are right. I bet she wants a cellphone and myspace cause it'll make her feel better about her "independance". Quite frankly, she is too young for all that. But it's a viscious circle. Sadly, the only thing you can do is wait. Don't giuve her what she wants though. She's being immmature because you won't give her what she wants, which just proves shes too immature to have a cellphone or myspace. Basically, it's a phase. And the only thing you can do is wait it out. Trust me, I remember that phase. She just wants to feel more grown up.

Answer 11

Don't let her wear you down, this just shows she can get away with things and that will prove to be very bad later on in her teen years. She's just moody due to horomones. Middle School years suck VERY badly. If she wants the cellphone make her finish the dog training. If you let her have a myspace make sure that you know what's on it.