I am so hurt and completely lost?

Question

Here's the situation, I have been w/ my bf for almost 11 years.We have 2 great kids but literally all of a sudden he is acting wierd.Saying that I "have had him under my thumb" and that he needs to figure some things out.I don't believe he is cheating because a while back ago he started talking to an ex as friends and he told me about it because he said he felt like he was cheating.Now he is online playing a MMORPG all the time with jis family members(of which 2 live with us at present time).
He is younger than I am and ever since I purchased a new car because the old one was unsafe for our kids he seems to have changed.
One of our problems is that I don't know how to manage my funds and I admit it but I have asked him to help me and show me how to be better at that and he just ignores me.
I am really upset over this entire thing to the point that I have lost alot of wieght because I can't eat.I have even had problems sleeping which has effected me getting to work on time

Also a family member said I had a bad/negative attitude which is true, however wouldn't you if someone you loved so much was treating you like this.And never put you before thier family?But I have been working on that issue,alot.
My ? is how can I get my bf to open up and tell me what is really going on in his head?How do I approach him without making him put up his defenses like I am attacking him? I just want to find out the truth and try to save our relationship.I am still in love with the big jerk.Help me before I lose my mind and family. Thank you

Please i'm looking for solutions not the quick "leave him,get over him" fixes.I don't want to lose my family! !

It's not my family that is always here.

First of all we are not wierd,We are married in every sense of accept a stupid piece of paper and of coarse a debt from a wedding. Second of all i'm not whining by bf cheated because he hasn't.And here's a ? for you, Do you or do you not do certain things certain ways because that's how your parent told you it should be done?Well his entire life he was told by his parents he shouldn't get married.He gave me a ring, I have given him one,we have lived together since we got together(11 years),so we are basicly already married.I hope that answers your ?s.

I would still like some input on this? plz.

Any and all insight would be helpful. Thank you

FYI- I don't "remind him that I am older.He is the one who brings that up.And the main reason I bought a car was for the safty of my children.The other one needed brakes,had no heater,was falling apart.
The money thing well his money is his and mine is mine.He will not nor has he ever tried to work on anything together even before I had fin.issues.
And he hasn't had his family his whole life.He and the siblings that live here didn't grow up together.In fact not even in the same town.
As far as not saying anything,keeping my mouth shut and just smiling;that is not how I nowor ever have been.And he has even said to me in the past that that is one of the things that attracted him to me.The fact that I wasn't afraid to stick up and voice what I believe in.
I have also tried to go someplace alone with him so we can talk.I even got a hotel w/jaccuzzi to try and rekindle a little something but he said it was the stupidest thing he's ever been apart of.And yet he hated it.
I tried it all

I have come to the realization I did my part screwing it up.And I realized it to late.
Thank everyone for give me your answers,it is very much appreciated.

The last thing I want to say is I really thought we were perfect together and we were soul mates but just thinking it isn't enough.It still needs to be nurtured. It's just to bad I realized it to late.

Answer 1

I am only having your words to go on. Your negative atitude...it makes you without any intentions look like you are coming on strong...you must learn how to relax...you said , he is treating you bad and never puts you before his family...he should not...you too are together for 11 years but he has been with his family all his life, they told him he shouldn't get married and he didn't so there..

I think and its only my opinion, you must start to focus on him alone, spoil him like you used you, give him back rubs...I know you would say...we are at war, but honey you are not ...the only way you get your man and keep him is being loving and you already love him, so you are more than half way home...do not open your mouth if it is negative...do not say anything, just smile, cook his favorite, wear his favorite, show him good time remind him why he has been with you for 11 years and have him thank God for you and the kids all over again...once he relaxes then things will slowly go back to normal...you losing weight, not sleeping, being late for work, mis managing your money is not a very sexy thing to do...you must NOT tell him to show you how to manage your money better and then go out and buy a new car...let him make the decisions..even if you think they are not as good as yours,,,let him feel like the man of the house that he is...DO NOT always remind him that you are older than him....girl I am 18 years older than mine...and he runs the house like I was 20 years younger....YOU HAVE..... I wish you luck ...

Answer 2

It sounds like this guy has got a lot of responsibility weighing heavy on his shoulders. By the way, did the two family members move in around the same time you got the new car? These two really need to find a place of their own. It is hard enough having two kids and then you add two more who probably could take care of themselves and need to do so. I think it is straining your relationship to have them there. You need to get a hold of yourself and your money problems instead of leaning on him for yet another responsibility to worry about. You can do it! If he is good at it, just follow his example and make him proud. Do it yourself and tell him you wanted to take some of the burdens off him so you learned to do it on your own. Stop wearing yourself out by letting the problems get you down. Spend that energy finding a worthwhile solution. He has a lot on his mind and really needs your help. Do little things that he will know you did just to make him smile, intimate dinners, private rendezvous in the bedroom, etc. Get his attention! Then the two of you should communicate openly and honestly about where this relationship seems to be going and how to bring it back! Nobody ever said life or love was easy, not even with 11 years. But that's reason enough to stop at nothing to solve the issue. Now get going and stop feeling all the negative, accentuate the positive!! You can do it! I know you can!

Answer 3

I know you said what not to tell you - leave him, move on, etc. - but here's a comment about your remarks concerning marriage. Marriage is not a piece of paper. Marriage is protection for that family (you and your 'husband' and the two kids you love). Not being married always benefits the man in a relationship and never the woman; I really hate to say that but it is true.
If you want to cry a river of tears, talk to a knowledgeable person about all the benefits you DON'T have by being someone's 'wife' without the benefit of a marriage license. You bought a car - probably in your name - and if you died, that car would not be his. If he owns the house you live in, if he died, that house would not be yours.
Read about estate laws and probate. Tomorrow he is in a car accident and in a coma. Can you use funds to pay the mortgage/rent from his checking account? Does he have health insurance from his job that covers him but not you? And certainly not the kids? If something happened to you, would it be a disaster if one of your kids suddenly displayed symptoms of a serious disease and there was no insurance to pay for visits to the doctor?
Women who are not married are basically single mothers. That is the definition of a single mother, no matter who she lives with.
Single mothers are among the most disadvantaged in society. This has proven to be true even in the most generous welfare states. It is true the world over but most of all, it is true in a competitve economy.
I'm sorry that you don't see this. Yet. You will. Think of your children. You may love the big jerk but in a marriage, the assumption is that the father loves the family: wife and children. If not, divorce still addresses financial issues. With a live-in situation, without marriage, the guy just walks. For any reason, it doesn't matter... and you are left out in the cold financially (not to mention emotionally but it's ten times worse to be poor and heartbroken).

Answer 4

I agree with Kathyw completely. You have to protect your interests in this relationship, especially with children involved. Get that "piece of paper". Nobody does everything their parents told them. You only do the ones that are right or that you can justify. It's called being an adult. If his parents told him to never get married, it's not an excuse not to.

Right now you have been taken over by the family and the best way to get this over and done with is to make nice and be wise. Be nice to these people, don't give them any more attitude but let your boyfriend know there has to be a set date for them to leave. When a date is set, be extra pleasant to them but be firm about boundaries.

Start working on how to manage your funds, read some books by Suze Orman. She wrote 2 especially to teach women how to manage money and how to invest. They have helped me a lot in just one year.

If you really want things to work out, you need to bend over backwards because it sounds like you have rubbed everyone the wrong way and they are now mad at you. Especially your boyfriend.So make nice with him too. Remember, bring on the honey not the vinegar.

Answer 5

Well I would maybe ask him to go on a walk or to dinner ALONE cause you need to talk... and tell him that you dont want him to feel like you are attacking him but lately you have been getting feelings about your relationship... and you are worried that it is heading in a direction that you dont want it to go in.... that you love him and you need and want him to open up to you about anything. That there is nothing that he cant tell you that you wont or cant understand... that maybe you guys need to take like one night a week and have it be just for you 2 either go out or like I said go on a walk but make sure you are alone so you can talk with no family members or kids around.... kinda make it like a date night... but just let him know that you need him to open up to you about problems or what ever is going on in his head... just try not to cry and try not to push for some reason this makes men mad...LOL just take things slow. good luck

Answer 6

If your family is standing between you and happiness then you're going to have to stand up to them and draw a line. Having problems with money, they say? Well why not free up some cash by selling his computer. He won't ignore you then!

If you are losing weight and cannot sleep, you're going to get ill. If you've already made it clear then start asserting yourself. Get a grip on the situation and don't expect him to either.

Answer 7

If he is saying things like that...he wants out and has his eye on someone else.

Answer 8

this is really weird - 11 years, 2 kids and didnt get married????
how weird can two get!!!!!
please, can you tell us why?
see here
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AmVJMEE7OE.KrlIqAF0k6ZPsy6IX?qid=20070128153008AABMFjN