My husband would rather support his daughter than me his wife?

Question

My husband is a joke. I married a man who was a widower with 3 children. His children, especially his 16 yr. old daughter has a problem with telling the truth. She tells my mother in law and her biological mothers parents everything we do and I feel its none of their business. I feel our life is a open book. We know the info. comes from the daughter because she is the only one that would know some of the info. that has been relayed back to us. I like our privacy, we have nothing to hide but I don't feel like my husband former in-laws or his mother always have to pass judgement or make comments about things we do. I feel my husband should put his foot down with his daughter but like usual he does nothing. I am really upset and feel I take a backseat to is daughter. Should a husband get to the bottem of a problem if it is upsetting to his wife. I've been crying half the morning and of course he doesn't seemed overly concerned about that either and I don't reall care anymore.

Oh,and I feel my husband has no balls and doesn't want to bring it up to his daughter. That is the way everything is. Let me be upset instead of addressing any situation.

Answer 1

Unfortunately when you marry a man with children, this is one of the potential pitfalls. It's different if they are younger and grow up with you but at 16 you are probably just seen as usurping her mother's place and she doesn't want to be your friend and/or potentially be nice to you. I would feel upset too if someone was constantly asking about my life with my husband but all you can really do is ask the grownups to not take everything she says as the gospel truth and that if they have genuine concerns to bring them to you. Otherwise your stepdaughter probably is just venting and they can either let her or gently remind her that she may not know the whole story based on what she has been able to see. Good luck.

Answer 2

Well I can't help but to look at this from the perspective of the daughter. I know you don't want to hear it, but this is the truth and everyone needs that sometimes. As I was once a 16 year old with only one parent left, I understand that she may be upset that her father has remarried. You should show her some compassion for her situation. The only reason she tells the ex inlaws everything is because she is upset about you being in the picture. And it doesn't sound like you are too helpful to her situation. I can't blame your husband for trying to back his daughter up. All I hear from you is me me me! As a parent as well I can say that we will stand up for our children first before anyone and that's just what a loving parent does. You need to quit pushing the daughter away and show her some love or this won't go away. As a stepmom you do have a responsibility to his children to be as good to them as their mother was. Would you want some woman coming into your home to be your stepmom and all she did was complain? Or would you appreciate more if a stepmom came in with love and compassion for your family and tried to do her best? No one could ever replace their mom, but the least you can do is try to be there for them. They didn't ask for any of this. They were just innocent bystanders to a horrible tragedy that can't be erased or undone. Do you think that maybe that hurts them? It doesn't matter if it was last year or 10 years ago that they lost their mom. It will still hurt forever.
AND just because your husband has remarried and moved on, doesn't mean that he still doesn't have fond memories of his late wife. She will always be apart of them and you can't take that away. Either, you can open your heart to them, or you will be the one that gets left empty handed.
Also, if the extended family wants to be judgemental of you, maybe there's a reason why. I always say when there's a problem with yourself that everyone seems to see except for you, maybe it's time to look in the mirror and open your eyes.

Answer 3

WOW,
Why exactly are you upset? Need more info.

But,, life in general is an open book. People need to talk, vent ect.

But, your husband should straighten out what ever is going on or he is not a father or a husband.

Seems like there may be some underlying issue between you and the 16 year old daughter.

Really hard to give better answer without more info.

Answer 4

It's a difficult situation to be in. Instead of getting angry and passing judgement yourself ("My husband is a joke"), maybe you should try to be more understanding of the situation and your husband and his families point of view, even if they are unfair.

I'm sure there is a lot of guilt hidden inside your husband's actions, after all the mother of his children has passed away. It seems to me like your step daughter has some resentment toward you, his new wife and may view you as taking her mom's place. She probably turns to her grandparents for support. As far as you know, his former inlaws may feel the same way. Unfortunately, they may view you as the woman who replaced their daughter and is now a mother figure for their grandchildren. Would you really expect them to not be critical?

Again, it may not be "fair" for you, but it's certainly understandable behavior given the situation. I would suggest coming together with your husband instead of asking him to take sides between you and his daughter (because his daughter will most likely win). You entered into this family that has a history and bonds that are not going to be broken. Embrase the family, and try with your husband to honor his deceased wife's memory while identifying a separate role for yourself, and not as her replacement. Set boundaries with your husband not "for your husband". The more you buck his relationship with his daughter, the worse it will be for you.

By establishing yourself as another member of the family and not filling the void of the childrens' biological mother AND by honoring the bonds the family has had BEFORE you came along is the best thing you can do for yourself. Right now you're stuck in a tug of war that will lead you nowhere.

Answer 5

As a divorced father of 3 i can tell you that there are times when everyone has to take a backseat to my children. He has responsibilities there and is trying to handle them the best way he knows how i am sure. It may not be right but i am sure he is doing what he thinks is right. Just keep talking to him and keep telling him how you feel and try to help him with his daughter but don't push the help. You are in a hard situation and i don't know if there is an easy way out of it. but keep your head up and keep the communications with him open.

Answer 6

You knew what you were getting into BEFORE you married him. Sounds like you're the joke sweetie! You're just mad because you don't get the attention and his kids do. You are the adult and they are children. You should be better equipped to deal with the situation than the kids are, and maybe you shouldn't tell his daughter everything that is going on and she won't be able to blab it around. The simple fact that one of the very first things you said was "My husband is a joke", just goes to show you probably don't belong together.

Answer 7

Yeah, he should talk to his daughter about this. He should also talk to the former in-laws and his mother and ask them to stop the daughter when she gossips and tell her that y'alls private business is just that, private. They are guilty of allowing or encouraging it, just as she is guilty of telling it.

However since your husband won't say anything, and you are the child's step mother, then you have a right to say something yourself (both to the girl, and the other adults).

Don't sit back and feel hurt, take action yourself. Once you've done everything you can to change the situation, if it still doesn't change...then you are justified in in tears and being upset.

Answer 8

He probably isn't overly concerned because he really doesn't care what his former inlaws and his mother thinks. Though I wouldn't be happy with my step daughter or your husband, I don't you'll be able to get her to stop, even if her dad talks to her. 16-year olds don't listen all that well and often like to sabotage their parents.

If I were in this situation, I'd be cautious about what conversations I had in her presence. If you husband brings up a topic in her presence you don't want her to hear, tell him you'll discuss it later. Your life will be less of an open book and he'll get the hint that some things need to be kept private.

Answer 9

As each and all of the solutions given, confident you nevertheless could pay baby help....And your ex spouse's marital prestige makes no distinction. Her new husband's funds should not be taken in account. that is unfair how that works, and to ideal that, your ex would not could account for the baby help which you do pay. as long as your daughter is dealt with. the single subject which you're able to do is attempt to seek for finished custody or shared parenting in case you reside in same city. seek the internet for particular statutes on your particular county/state below baby help/baby custody regulations. in case you get alongside properly adequate w ex, you should probable attitude her with an contract to establish an account for a definite amt to be positioned aside on your daughter out of the help, even nonetheless, it would prefer to be finished all the way with the aid of a lawyer. on no account settle for verbal.....checklist each little thing.

Answer 10

IF YOU WANT TO STAY MARRIED....READ ON!

I agree with the other people on here who stated you knew what you were getting in to (marrying a widower with children) before you got married.

You underestimated the issues you'd have, having what is in essence, a double set of inlaws (his parents, and his first wifes parents)....

Your stepdaughter is trying to keep her mothers parents involved in her life, and one of the ways she is doing that is by telling them every aspect of your life. If it is true, that you have nothing to hide, then I feel you have nothing to complain about.

Let me tell you a little something about this girl....and I speak from experience, having lost my mother at age 13.

This young lady is experiencing a grief greater than she will ever know. The loss of a mother is something that will haunt her for the remainder of her days. You reacting this way to her will only compound the issue.

First of all, I suggest you go out and buy her the book "Motherless daughters", and look up your local support group on the web. They have regular meetings for daughter who have lost their mother, and she will find comfort with these other women. Help her with this.

She is going through a barrage of emotions that she is clueless to. She may not realize that she is not the only woman in the world who feels this way. (the book will touch on this)

Encourage her to interact with her grandparents (her moms parents), but encourage other things besides gossiping about her. Suggest that she cook them dinner at your house. Suggest that they put a scrapbook together of her mother, writing out their memories of her.

The loss of her mother is what is making her do this. She has abandonment issues now that she's working through, and at her young age, she doesn't know how to deal with them.

YOU can HELP her!! Her mothers memory can't hurt you, but it can build a better relationship with you.

Also, give your husband a break. He lost his first wife, and is propbably doing the best he can. A husband should help his wife if she is upset, but his first responsibility is to his children and my advice to him, if you were unwilling to be a positive force in his child's life, would be to leave you to devote his time and efforts to them.