He's hurt me so badly-should I break the engagement?

Question

In the past, my fiancee has lied to me continuously. He know how badly he's hurt me when I found out he was lying, yet I stayed in the relationship. He asked me to marry him a few months ago. I was so hesitant, but I said ok bec I thought he could change. I still feel the pain of the past. He says he is really serious now, but I feel that he's hurt me too badly for me to move on. Now, he's away for the wknd with his friends, and he hasnt't bothered to call me. I think he's slipping back into his old ways, and this hurts. Should I end break our engagement? Or can he really be trusted? I don't think a ring changes anything, but he says he is really doing better. I feel like an idiot for asking, but I really don't know if he can change.

Answer 1

Yes. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Hopefully you are not living with him. If you are, move out. If not, you can keep dating him if you like, but GIVE the ring back asap. I think you were "hoping" being engaged would help, but you cannot change his behaviour -only he can.

Answer 2

I would put off the engagement if you have any doubts at all , it's too big a step to take with doubts in your mind . A ring won't change the past and will not change ones behavior either . You should never have been hurt so badly that your unable to get over it dear , I know it sounds tough but putting it off or ending the relationship may prove best for you in the long run . I once called off and engagement from a cheating fiancee and she didn't even return the diamond ring , but it was worth it and her life has continued on a downward spiral every since. Trust me you'll have no doubts when the right guy comes along that's for certain . Very rarely does a leopard change there spots . Good luck to you , the best still lies ahead for you I'm sure of it ! Keep your chin up.

Answer 3

Don't even consider getting marriage until absolute trust is there. I have found that if a person lies and cheats they normally have a hard time ever changing. They don't see anything morally or mentally wrong with doing so. It's like a game to pull you in by any means and when they are caught, they use any thing they can to make you believe they will never do it again and say they have changed only to do it all over again. It is a pattern of people that don't have it in their nature to commit to one person. It is also a trait of users. They get what they can from a person until they can get no more then move on to someone else. I never could feel right about myself doing that to someone else, but 75% of the guys I have known have done the same thing to women. Sorry - but I think you need to find someone who will treat you right from the start and this guy doesn't sound like he fits your needs. Good Luck!!!

Answer 4

He won't change and nothing you do will make him change. You have to ask yourself if this is really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. You are right, a ring doesn't change anything. In my opinion, probably the biggest factor to a successful relationship is communication. And if you can't trust the things he's telling you, the relationship is doomed.

Don't let random people tell you what you should do though. Just listen to your heart and your head. I think if you probably already know what you want to do, you're just looking for a push in the right direction. If you want to leave him, do it. Don't make a huge mistake by marrying someone you don't really want to be with. It is just a waste of time for the both of you. Save yourself the time and the pain.

But if you really do want to be with him, you have to talk to him. Open up to him. Make him understand how much pain he has caused you. Do not expect him to change though. Good luck.

Answer 5

Rarely do people change unless they want to. Going by your reaction to his going out with friends and not calling you, you already know the answer. When he does stop by or calls, tell him that his actions this weekend and lack of respect to you (for not calling), has opened your eyes. Call off the engagement and be sure to tell him the reasons for your decision, be specific. If he truly loves you, he will change and will come back asking for forgiveness. He has to prove to you that he has changed, anything less and your wasting your time.
Don't go into marriage thinking they'll change, they won't. It will just be all that harder to move on and the bitterness will follow on to the next relationship. If your mind is screaming, this is not what I want or is right, listen to it and not your heart. Find someone who will do anything to make you happy, they are out there, just be patient and true love will find you.

Answer 6

You know you really need to look at his behavior now, because what you are getting from him now, is going to be exactly what you get when you get married. If you were hesitant listen to your gut feelings and really think about it, you dont want to be a few months into your marriage thinking and asking yourself why did you do it. save yourself the headache and the drama. follow your intuition. You are so true a ring doesn't change everything. Listen to your self, you have it all right there.

Answer 7

i think you need to have a long talk with this heart breaker and let your feelings be known. you have answered your own q, but you don't want to see it due to the pain and hurt you will feel. if he did this in the past he may or may not in the future. so i say if you stay with him make it a long engagement and move forward slowly. because its hard to get good money back on a marriage that only last a few months. talk to him see if the relationship is worth saving. if he takes what you say to heart then you know he is willing to make it work and if he just blows it off well then i say blow him off.....take care and remember no man is worth your sanity

Answer 8

honestly he's not going to change. you already have made the decision in your heart now you just have to get the rest of you out of the situation. why get married with so much doubt? marriage will not make it better and it will not change him. you need to gather all of your strength and move on say good-bye to him, take time by yourself to heal and move forward. some people have married thinking the person has changed it won't happen. nothing will make this better for you until you move forward. he's showing you already. a marriage is team work and it needs more than one person to work. don't feel foolish for asking actually I admire that you did. you don't need to go through any more pain. so out with the pain and move on to the good.

Answer 9

Dee, the fact that you are asking total strangers is a sign that you have serious doubts. If he has hurt you so bad in the past and has not changed his behavior do you think the pressure of a marriage will make him change? You need to do some soul searching and ask yourself what you need. It seems you have put you on hold so that you can please this man. If your heart and mind are not in unison then it is time to let go!

Answer 10

Has he lied to you since he proposed? Why do you think he is slipping into his old ways? I would pay attention to my instincts....

That said, I can understand a guy not calling during a weekend away with friends. I don't expect my husband to do that, but then I trust him. It sounds like you don't trust your fiance and that's the problem. Don't get married until you feel like you've developed 100% trust.

Answer 11

If you are feeling hesitant, you should give it some time. Time for you to heal, time for him to show you just how he's changed. If you don't see any change in either your feelings, or his actions, then be honest with yourself and let him go and move on. You deserve the best, not a relationship where you are always hurting and doubting.
Good luck.
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