English Deutsch Français Italiano Español Português 繁體中文 Bahasa Indonesia Tiếng Việt ภาษาไทย
All categories

Ok, my husband is 23 and I'm 24. He is in the military and got back from his 1-year tour in Iraq last October. Me being the foreigner in the States, I couldn't go to school or work until my immigration paperwork got finalized (which took a year and a half). When we first got married, I made sure that he understood my need to go back to college and finish it up and he agreeed. I'm planning to go back this fall. For now my husband is out of state training for a new job in the military, and he called in the middle of night asking me if I was going to stay faithful to him for the rest of my life. And I didn't even give him any reason to have doubts about my fidelity. And he keeps talking about having babies, which I'm definitely not ready for. I do want kids later in our married life, but not now... I want to finish school and get a job and provide my future children with security. I told him over and over again but it doesn't seem to work.... Any suggestions??

2007-02-25 05:16:35 · 11 answers · asked by dmk062905 1 in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

11 answers

He's probably experiencing some doubts and feeling especially mortal because of what he's seen overseas (and heard about from other men he served with). His insecurities may take awhile to be worked through. To help, why don't you sit down and work out a plan? What your (both of you, that is) goals are and when you would like to work kids into your life schedule. Make up a calender, if needed. When you anticipate finishing school, what happens after school (if you plan on pursuing a career), how much money you anticipate setting aside to cover expenses related to school, medical, baby, etc. and include him in achieving each goal. That way you both have something to work toward and will feel like you are on the same page. 23 and 24 is still very young in this day and age to jump into having children. Especially with the situations you have described. Let him know you want to get your education done with (because it will be difficult, if not impossible to do after kids) and work on strengthening your husband/wife bond before having kids (the stronger you are as a couple before kids the better your marriage will hold up after - he may not realize how many marriages don't survive the stresses kids bring into the relationships. Not that it's not rewarding also but you know what I am saying, I think).
I hope this helps.

2007-02-25 05:33:18 · answer #1 · answered by greyrider 4 · 1 0

It sounds like he is insecure. Perhaps there are little things you can do for him to let him know that you are committed and love him very much. I think when a lot of men go away to the military they wonder in the back of their heads if their wives and girlfriends are really going to stay faithful. And it's not a blow to the wife or girlfriend, it's just an insecurity. He may have had this worry while he was gone and now he is trying to make sure his place with you is secure. He's most likely using the baby subject to help along with that. Just sit down with him and have a good long talk. If you are married to each other, you sould be able to do that. Communication is key in a lasting marriage. You have to atleast be able to tell him these things that bother you or your marriage will never last. There's nothing wrong with coming here for some advice first though. It's good that you are getting prepared to deal with this. But you definitely need to sit down with him and explain how much you love him and how much you MISSED him while he was gone. Tell him that you would love to have children with him in the future, that you had been planning on it. Only you want to secure yourself an educational and financial future first. That way you both will be able to support as many children as you want down the road. You just don't want to have children yet while you have this great opportunity to get yourself ahead because after the children come, it isn't so easy to do everything you want to do with your life. If you explain this all to him with love and compassion, you can't go wrong. He will come around. And if you enforce your love and compassion with your actions, his insecurities will fade away with time as well.

2007-02-25 05:35:38 · answer #2 · answered by starlight_940 4 · 1 0

How much more school do you have to do? Is there a possibility that he will be redeployed? How long have you been married? You may have to do the realities of your life right now versus the wants and desires. If you're nearly done with school but it's likely he's going to be redeployed then it's not a good time for you to be alone while pregnant or him potentially not making it back. This is why I typically recommend premarital counseling but since you are already married talk to someone you trust (family friend, priest, or therapist if you can afford it). Good luck.

2007-02-25 05:27:00 · answer #3 · answered by indydst8 6 · 1 0

My partner and I are in the same boat. I wanted a child, he didnt. We've met half way and realised we have plenty of time, we want to build a secure future before bringing a child into this world. Let him know you love the thought of having children with him, but like him you have your own personal goals that you'd like to fullfill. It's not like he's going to leave his job to care for this child, so put a realistic time line on parenthood, instead of oneday, or when the time is right, tell him you will start a family after you've finished your study, worked to earn money to stablise your future. Good Luck!

2007-02-25 05:28:48 · answer #4 · answered by Kristy B 2 · 1 0

me and my husband had a arguement about this yesterday(weird).his thing was now that he's getting older(31) he wants to start having babies,well i thought different about the situation.i'm also starting college myself which he didn't want me to so i can stay home and take care of the baby.i tried eveything to get him to change his mind.but none of it worked.so we came to an agreement.i'll still go to college but in between that i'll give he what he wants(the baby).and when the baby turns 1yr it's off to day care and i'm off to my dream WORK.it was hard to agree to this but you have to be fair and not always think about yourself.just find a way where you can do online classes so you two can have time to work things out.

2007-02-25 06:45:45 · answer #5 · answered by Meow4Moe 5 · 0 0

You two need some counseling. You need to learn to communicate more freely so that he can feel more secure. Talk with your husband. There are resources he can access through the military.

2007-02-25 05:21:32 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

thanks for asking a real practical problem in social and family life. you looks very intellegent and your question is equally good.you may suggest your husband that we both are in reproducive age . and we can produce as much children as we want but once the physic of body changes, rather private organs changes he will not get as much sexual satisfaction as he can get now. so say him to enjoy sex for a few more years and thereafter he can ask for as many children as he wants. so say him to enjoy sexual life and there after be ready for babies; meanwhile you would be able to collect more money for you better life and for you future children ; you may also seek a job after completeing your educationof college. say you husband thart everythings looks good at a appropriate time .

2007-02-25 05:31:45 · answer #7 · answered by umashankarpandey2000 1 · 0 1

since he is away,in the military, it's possible he wants to know that you'll always be there. having a baby is one way for him to assure himself of that. don't have a child out of guilt. big mistake.if you're not ready, don't get pregnant. this has to be a joint effort. if you feel forced to have a child, it could cause problems down the road. keep reassuring him of your love and stick to your desicion. you're still young. wait a few years if you need to.

2007-02-25 05:30:42 · answer #8 · answered by racer 51 7 · 0 0

Stay on the pill.If you don't want children now than don't since your the 1 that has to raise them.So much for school if you do.Boy i will here about this .Good luck.

2007-02-25 05:26:28 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1 0

Be HONEST and tell him you are not ready.

Women tend to beat around the bush. Guys like blunt to the point truth. Much easier to get it straight and then be allowed to process it,, then its done and all better.

Be honest and tell him.

2007-02-25 05:29:56 · answer #10 · answered by scott in minnesota 3 · 1 0

fedest.com, questions and answers