confused.... what should I do?

Question

I've been married 17yrs, have 2 kids but my husband and I are growing farther and farther apart everytime I think we are getting closer I get slammed in the face with reality. I'm not sure how much longer I can handle trying to live like this. I don't want my kids growing up going between houses. I still love and care about my husband its just we have became 2 total different people then what we where when we got married. I'm not sure that I am in love with him anymore or him with me. I'm not sure how to live my life with out him but I can't keep feeling the way I do now. I really don't care if I date or see anyone at this point I just don't know how to handle all of this. do I tell him that in a few years I plan on leaving once both kids are out of the house and we make the best of it for now. I just don't feel like I am being fair to him. My kids are my number 1 concern. I would give anything just to keep them happy.

Answer 1

seek counseling, there is nothing harder than divorce

Answer 2

I understand how you feel went through the same thing talk to your husband tell him how you feel maybe he is thinking the same thing and don't know how to come to you about the problem also. Just reading your message your very concern about your marriage and children feel like you are a strong woman but you also have to stop and think about yourself also you don't want to live your life unhappy only you can make the move here decide whats best for you and your kids living your life happy or living it day by day unhappy sometimes we have to let go of things in our life and start over again and if this is the step u will take at first it will be hard but each day get easier and easier and each day you become a stronger person and a happy one also . Sometime our children don't understand why mom and dad goes there seperate way in time they will understand even though mom and dad aren't together they still have loving parents that are there for them. I guess Iam saying do whats right for you good luck

Answer 3

I don't think you are doing the kids a favor. They can see that thier mother and father are not happy yet they stay together in one place. Just because kids are younger then you it doesn't mean they can't see things and don't want you (thier parents) to be happy.

I personally think you should sit the kids down and actually give them a choice. Mom and dad are not happy with each other anymore. We wanted to know what you thought, would you be ok if dad (or you however you did it) went and lived somewhere else for awhile?

I would also attend some sort of counseling to see if that helps at all. Maybe before asking the kids if they would be ok if you split up.

I realize this might not be the best advice in the world, but if it was me, this is what I would do. I hope I helped a little.

Have a great day
*PINK ELLIE*

Answer 4

Talk to your husband about your feelings and see if he has the same feelings. Many times couples do grow apart and you have to find ways to grow back together. We all as couples like doing things together but we also have to remember that we have our own interests as well. Find the old things your did together and start doing them again or find new things you can do together.

Marriage is hard work and both sides have to work hard at it or one starts feeling like they are the only one in the marriage so, indeed talk to your husband and try to come up with a plan. If it doesn't work them getting out of the marriage would probably be best. Wait to tell your husband what you are thinking about leaving until you are sure all other options have been gone through.

Answer 5

Life is full of twists and turns. You never know what is going to happen. You might want to have a sincere talk with your husband. 17 years is a long time, just to throw away. You need to tell him how you feel. Be frank, but be honest. Find out how he feels. Work on what you have. Tell him what you want. I think that breakdowns in relationships are caused a lot by not communicating. Tell him how you feel. Tell him what you want. Maybe it would help you to talk to someone that is on the "outside" of your relationship. Sometimes we get in a certain place that is boring. We never go anywhere, or do anything that is fun. It is life. Work, kids, etc. You need some "flavor" in your life. Buy a sexy outfit!! Take your husband and have an outing, rather it be just you and him going to dinner, or taking a trip together. Get away and get reconnected. Does that make sense? Rekindle some fire. Make your relationship fun again. You can do it!!! Make it happen!!!

Answer 6

Hi there, I think that if you are truly unhappy you might just have to leave him. Talk to your husband, chances are he feels exactly the same way you do, try couples counselling, date nights etc, assuming that either of you are still interested. The trick to marriage is to grow together not apart, but you guys have got bogged down with raising kids, mortgages etc. Maybe life isn't that much fun anymore. . .if you both agree, maybe you can have an open marriage and date others discreetly, if this is not an option, and all else fails, DONT stay just for the kids, divorce is hard for them at any age, in fact they may even be more hostile as adults. Happened when my aunt left her husband of 25 years, my cousins complained that if they stuck it out this long, why not longer? brats! remember, if you do decide to leave him, its your life, you deserve peace of mind.

Answer 7

Depending on your kids age, I think that I would sit the kids down and talk to them. I know when my parents were going through this I wished they would have asked me and my sister how we felt. Sometimes kids are bothered by things that you don't think they see. like you and your husband not getting along or the fact that you are miserable. They see allot more than you think! They could be totally unhappy too but will not say anything , not wanting to be the reason for separation. If you talk to them at least you will know how they feel and what they would like to see happen and if they give you an answer, then it will take allot of stress off of you wondering about what they want and feel. good luck

Answer 8

I will suggest that -- unless you outright HATE the man -- that you notch things back a bit, take some reflection time, and consider that part of every couples' life is a long waning of mad burning passion. At a certain point, you may have a partnership vs a mad love affair.

----Heresy or Reality? I can't say. But I am telling you that perhaps a highly romanticized, story-book view of marriage is unrealistic, and further, that in buying into what is basically fantasy, you are letting yourself in for trouble. Life will never measure up to the idealized image or to a fantasy. That's the reality of the situation.

Answer 9

"how much longer I can handle living like this."
"Feeling this way."
"handle all of this."
What is THIS?

Trying to figure out if you are still "in love" with your husband is a smokescreen for whatever your unhappiness is. Focus on pinpointing what is really wrong with your life. It may turn out to be the marriage. It may turn out to be dissatisfaction with life overall.

You can't fix it til you know what it is.

Unless you and your husband are extremely well off, the financial burden of running two households is something to consider. Just that aspect of divorce makes it worth trying to avoid.

Answer 10

not sure other then to tell you that there have been times in the past that I have felt this way , 1st time it happened I remember haveing a couple of dreams/ nitemares where we had seperated and and feeling the pain when our kids came to visit me , a short time after this 1 of my coworkers wifes was killed in an auto accident and seeing the pain in his eyes from losing his wife I told my self to suck it up and make things work . that it realy wasn't that bad . that was many yrs back and we are still together . and I know a part of what kept me from calling it quits was our kids . I 've seen a few other couples go thier seperate ways after the kids grew up and have woundered if I would stay at that piont and its looking like I will , so it seems like for the sake of your kids you'll be together . so give it time to see if it will work

Answer 11

Please don't make a mistake with dependency and love. If you love your husband you would try to make this work. You should seek marriage counseling I think that this is the only way that your marriage would be saved. Look I still think that you wouldn't do this if you weren't in love with your husband. You guys just need to bring back love and affection as well as just being happy and enjoying each other's company. Sometimes in a marriage you have to be a bit funny and silly at times in your marriage just to restore fun!