Why are people afraid of communicating with people they love?

Question

My wife wont have a deep conversation with me about any thing is she afraid of real answers from me or to give me a real answer?

I know she loves me and shes not guna make me love her any less than I already do so why is she so unprepaired for a question like "what attracted you to me?" if she was atracted to the way I looked thats ok I dont care if the original intentions where shallow but we have gone past that and I thought we had a deeper relationship than that now. so why wont she talk?

Im stuck in Korea and shes in the states we talk over the internet and I started drinking out of pure bordum and when Im sober I want to talk to her. she thinks I drink to much and wants me to stop but she wont help me by keeping me intrested in something other than alchol. sorry if the spellings off.

Answer 1

First off I got stuck in the "Korea drinking rut" once. Try to find another way to spend your time there like a hobby. I know from experience booze is the major form of recreation there. LOL

Sometimes couples have a complex where as they may be uncomfortable that their partner may disagree or think less of them even though nothing could be further from the truth.

You might have to be the bigger person and step up to the plate and and really try hard to get her into a train of thought where she's willing to take an active roll in communicating.

Lack of communication can, in the worst situations, be the beginning of a dissolved marriage. And being separated for military reasons (I'm assuming here...OK?) only compound the problem as it did for me.

If you are both strong mentally, this should pass.

This is the Mr. by the way...and she's nodding her head in agreement as we went through this same exact thing before.

Just curious, where in Korea are you at?

Answer 2

if you can be in the states, it is time to come home.
work on your relationship.
you answered my question, and i don't have answers, but maybe an opinion or two.
how long have you been married? and why the attraction question now? are you feeling insecure?
do you think that maybe the reason she is unable to answer you when you ask is she is wondering the same question, because she is upset over your drinking?
i think that turning to the bottle instead of your lover, your wife, your best friend ( which i am assuming is all one person) is a disaster.
people tend to resent alcohol, the alcohol is just the scape-goat.
you need more than just a computer, you have said it to yourself. if there is no way to be with her other than that you need to get two web cam's and make it about more than words. she is probably missing you too. hopefully not turning to 'something else' like you turned to the booze.

i hope that you can resolve the issue with her. but make sure that whatever you do you find a better outlet for your frustrations than alcohol.. make it about her and your love for her...

Answer 3

Some people have trouble talking about how they are feeling. It isn't just a male thing (going by what people have told me)

Being asked the question "what attracted you to me" is a biggy. Sometimes (and me included here) people even though they know deep down inside that the love the other people feels for them won't change, they are scared none the less.

When my DH starts talking serious, sometimes I just can't handle it. I feel all scared that someone could love me so much. I personally get tounge tied and feel I have to make a joke (no matter how bad the timing is) Has she been badly hurt by someone in the past? Is she worried that you are going to give up on her?

I feel for both of you. just keep trying to talk but don't push her. She will talk in time.

Answer 4

She may feel that you really do not understand her or care about how she really feels. Ask her why she is afraid of communicating with you. Do you communicate well with her? Do you listen to her when she talks to you about how she is feeling about things? You both may very well need marriage and relationship counseling to learn how to communicate with each other better. Why in the world are you not living together now atht you are married. You really should not be living apart at all. Do not blame her for your alchol problem . You choose to continue to drink and continue to do so. NO one can make you drink like that. You need AA or something to help you quiit drinking. You both need help in this marriage or it will not last or work out. You also need to be back home with your wife so you can work on your marriage together. It takes two to make or break or marriage . Just remember that.

http://www.drphil.com

Answer 5

That's strange. It's more often that it's the man who does not want to go into deep discussions about things.

However, what you said that she might be afraid of hearing some of your answers could be true. But as to your question to her about "what attracted you to me?", maybe she just also does not have an answer. Sometimes, we love and are attracted to people without knowing why, sometimes love and attraction are beyond reason. She loves you because simply you are you. Plus the distance between you too can also sometimes be a deterrent especially for such intimate discussions.

Just understand each other and try to work out the distance problem if you can.

Answer 6

Well I think that you should break the ice. You should start trying to talk to her and tell her what you feel. Now drinking because of boredom is something and that you should never practice. Why don't you think about bettering yourself instead doing something that would be better for you and your wife instead of something of destruction.

Answer 7

do everyone a favor, don't blame your wife for your drinking problem....every drunk does that....it's part of the disease...blame everyone else for the bad choices you make.....if I were to make an educated guess, I would guess that your wife doesn't get into deep conversation for fear of saying the wrong thing that will spark a blow up from you....also part of the typical pattern.....if you love yourself and her...stop drinking...good luck

Answer 8

Well, it's not her job to find you more constructive entertainment methods aside from drinking. That's your job.

As for her defensiveness, i don't know. You haven't told us what you are trying to talk to her about that she doesn't want to talk about.

Answer 9

she fears rejection, she fears that if she tells u what is in her heart, she will loose all control of herself. she may have been raised in a household where it wasn't encouraged to show her emotions. maybe as a child when she did show emotions her parents ridiculed her and made her feel bad when she was open.

Answer 10

I love you for your spiritual being that you r... ..... its SUNDAY why arn't you in church?. You & your wife should discuss these things