Sexual Frequency after Birth?

Question

I've been happily married for a few years. We have a seven month old, and didn't have sex at all for 8 mos. of the pregnancy. She said she didn't feel sexy and didn't want to be touched, and although I tried to make her feel sexy I didn't press the issue. After the birth, we didn't have sex for five months, and when we talked about it, she still had issues with her body and some pain from the c-section. Finally when we did, she had pain and some bleeding, for which she's seen a doctor. He didn't find anything, and it's not a lack of lube. I am trying to be sympathetic, but it's been a month and a half now, and she's not willing to give oral (normally not an issue but it seems like a good solution if pain is really the issue) and I feel like if the roles were reversed, I would endure a little pain every once in a while for her. I feel like she's not placing any importance on my needs, am I being reasonable? I just want to find a solution that works for both of us, but so far...

Answer 1

Well...I may have a different take than most on here. If I read this right...other than that one last time that caused pain...it's been a year and a half since you had sex. I hope I got that right.

That is a long time for anyone in a loving relationship. You haven't strayed from your marriage and you are doing your best to be understanding.

Yes she has been through a lot...yes she is having pain and is seeing a doctor. As a loving partner....she needs to understand what you are saying.

So...I am going to suggest a different tact for you. As a new mother...she is tired, exhausted, not feeling good about her body (it sounds like)...and just out of sorts. In order for her to want to be with you again...you need to learn how to nurture her. You have to understand that while your 'needs' are in the forefront...your *intention* is to be close and share your love together.

She is in desperate need to just receive some sensual, not sexual pleasure. This means...massage her back, her feet...surprise her with a candlelit bedroom and soft music and just hold each other and talk (I know! How boring!! ha ha)...if you don't like to massage then get a masseuse to come to the house. You also may need to help out more (you probably do a lot I am guessing though)...and find a way for her to have some free time...or a night out with you.

Essentially...you need to nurture her and you need to talk to her and tell her how much you love her, what a great mother she is...tell her that while you have sexual needs...what you want is to share your love and be close...to give pleasure...to have fun...etc.

I have been through excruciating back pain, in addition to a serious chronic illness...and I still found a way to bring pleasure to my ex...because I loved him so much and I felt it wasn't okay with me...to just say I *didn't feel like it.

Now I am with someone who can not have sex for months and months due to health...and so I understand how it feels to have complete compassion for them...but also feel like your own needs and desires are not being met. It isn't even about the actual sexual need so much as feeling like they are not caring about us...and that doesn't feel good! There are many ways to bring pleasure to our mate...you don't have to have intercourse in order to get what you need right?

Everyone always says to go to counseling. In your case...I would just suggest you do some research about sexuality...learn what drives a woman wild...learn to nurture without sex in the beginning...and hopefully she will warm up, especially if she is getting medical help. I think people thought you meant her c-section was 6 weeks ago...but it's been 5 months right? That is long enough to heal from that. I'm sure she is going through so much...but so are you. It's a big change for the both of you and it sounds like you love her very much. I hope you find some answers so that you both are happy and in sync. You've brought a little miracle into the world...focus on the reason you love each other...and I'm sure things will get better.

Take care.

Answer 2

Talk to her and tell her how you feel. But be diplomatic about it! She might have underlying psychological issues that are causing a physical reaction. Chances are that if the doctor gives her the OK then there is nothing wrong with her physically. I know you have been patient so I must tell you to keep up the good work! This will pass but you have to get to the root of it. And that means asking her directly. Write down the questions you want her to answer. Then approach her with the list and explain to her how important the issue is. Be soft but firm when explaining to her how you feel. Whatever you do, don't let her argue with you and don't let her avoid your questions! You need answers from her that can put your mind at rest. Tell her that the only way you can help her get through this is by learning what is bothering her. Be supportive but keep your interests in mind too! Good luck!

Answer 3

Every women's sex drive is different. You have to understand what her body just went through. Carrying a child for 9 months, having all of her abdominal muscles cut through, a hospital stay to recover and now she's breast feeding and dealing with a new baby. Her body had gone through allot of changes, and her sex drive could of changed, or maybe temporarily. She has mommy on the brain. Give her a chance to start feeling like her old self again. I understand that you 'need' some, but what is more important? Maybe it IS still painful for her...you never know. Even when I have cramps, sex is painful, sometimes even 3 days before I start my cycle, it's pain full. So I can imagine why she would be in pain.

Let her start feeling like herself again... encourage her to work out, not only for weight, but for health in general. Buy her some nice clothes, or lingerie. Set the mood, don't whine about it.

A baby changes allot in a couple life, so you even may want to seek some guidance counseling.
Good luck,
K

Answer 4

Geesh! Some of these guys are being mean to you. You seem to be doing the right thing by being very patient. Maybe she's afraid it will still hurt, but she won't know unless she tries. I would try flirting with her, telling her how beautiful she is, telling her she's doing such a good job as a mother etc. Women like to be reassured of these things once in a while. Have you tried to gently express to her how much you really love that time you share together sexually? It's not everything in a marriage but it is important to share some sort of intimacy with each other.

Answer 5

What you mean is...You want to find a solution that works for YOU ! Having given birth myself...I can personally attest to the fact that your insides dont return to " Normal " after 6 weeks even if thats what the doctor says ! Not to mention the fact that her abdominal muscles were CUT OPEN ! I cannot believe you think your wife should endure PAIN and BLEEDING so that you can get some ! Talk about not considering some ones needs ! You SIR...are an A.S.S. !!!!!

Answer 6

Dude if you were in pain you wouldn't do it either. What you are now looking for is sympathy sex, and it ain't happening online. Consult doctors, get some professional help, marriage counseling or a sex therapist. But if your here looking for peoples approval to have sex outside your marriage, I am sure some will suggest that, but ask yourselt this, for two minutes of pleasure can you live with the guilt for the rest of your life. She definitely has a medical condition which you need to address. Good luck.

Answer 7

Yeah right I could just see YOU gestating a pregnancy to term...and having your abdomen cut open having them slice through muscle, tendons, ligaments then shove your internal organs around so they can get to the uterus, (oh you don't have one of those...ooops), slice it open break the water sack, cut the umbilical chord, remove the placenta, make sure everything is healthy so that no infection arises, sew the uterus back up...toss the other internal organs back in their places, stitch the ligaments, tendons and muscles back together although their elasticity has pretty much gone to the dogs thanks to the c sectin, then either stitch or staple the skin back into place. And HELL YEAH you most assuredly would want to have sex right now right here come on baby give it too me...And then happily get up out of bed and go breast feed the offspring...I wanna see a video tape of it all when you do.

Answer 8

Dude! I don't mean to be crass but exactly how long did you lick her pus before you demanded penetration? I mean COME ON! You KNOW where that cllitoris is right? Just in case you don't...it is right in the very top half of the crack!

Doll...just lick that spot in as many ways as you can imagnine, slowly with each variation, and listen to her changes in breathing, body tempo, moaning, and especially listen to what she SAYS to you, and IF you are an attentive lover and care for this lady you will have no problem. Good Luck!

Answer 9

it really is tricky after a start of an adolescent, and there is a few soreness in touch throughout sex extraordinarily in the journey that your spouse had alot of stiches giving start. so that you need to be expertise and characteristic open verbal substitute about this. She ought to also see her wide-spread practitioner if the soreness maintains. i'd say for a lengthy time period two times per week will be O.ok., yet that would favor to lend a hand. provide it time, and soon you'd be decrease back for your favourite progression of love making. reliable success.

Answer 10

I will tell you the first year after giving birth to baby is very hard on a woman's body she is still trying to get her self back to normal or should I say feeling and looking normal I have to handed to you not many men would put up with what you have.She has lost her sexual drive and the longer it goes on the longer it will take her to snap out of it.There is really only one thing to do here if you want her back.She needs to feel someone else is interested in you,if she thinks she is losing you she will snap out of it real quick.