Has your spouse cheated and have you patched the marriage but you still hurt from it? Please answer?

Question

My husband and I are having problems. He was caught cheating a couple years ago in the worst sort of way I could have thought of. We have been together for over 8 years and married for less than 2 but 1month after marriage,I found an email trying to meet with another woman and also caught him in our own house groping another woman basically in front of me. All he can ever say is sorry and that I need to forget and get on with life but hurtful things just happen over and over and he doesnt understand why I always feel sad,ashamed of myself and not the same person I used to be and Im always accused of an internet affair nowbecause I am on here or Ebay at night. Is it just me or do other people feel like this who have been cheated on and stayed with the person. Is it wrong for me to keep mentioning how much he hurts me with the way he acts?Please give some genuine answers because I am going to have him read this to let him know what its like to cope with Hopefully Im not the only fool

Its hard to exlain that I do still love him..we have a lot of interests together and we used to have a lot of fun. For me this has really killed the romance part of our relationship which is making me feel lonely.Nowdays when he makes an effort to show interest in me I truely dont know if it is genuine or not so he doesnt understand why I dont jump right at it and go back to the way things were. It is weird being married and feeling lonely at the same time,I just dont know what is "safe" or if he is just playing me for a total fool trying to get my vulnerability back up. I am tired of falling on my face,getting back up only to be pushed down again by him. I really want to believe that he means it wont happen again but why doesnt the letching,flirting and embarassing me ever stop?! This is why I just want to stay home so I dont have to deal with the humiliation of it all anymore and he doesnt get it.He is English and I gave up my whole life in the US to move over here just for him.8yrs

Answer 1

Yes; my spouse cheated. That's why he's been my ex for 8 years.
No; you're not the only fool....so while he continues 2 break your heart and your mind full of suspicion....just remember; You're not alone.

Answer 2

I agree with the guy above, faithful people should be with faithful partners.

I hate cheaters, if you're going to cheat..be single, he is selfish, so selfish that he destroyed your life and happiness just to get himself off. I've been there a couple years ago so heres my story:

I caught my ex cheating. He begged me back, he drowned me in gifts, candy, clothes, money etc. He even went as far as telling the other girl off. I ended up taking him back but the trust was no longer there, when he would leave I would always have knots in my stomach the entire day wondering if he was out cheating. I turned into a completley different person. I wasn't even living a normal life anymore. I was slowly turning into a detective, and thats not how a woman should live. After 3 more months our relationship just fell apart, We broke up. About a year later I found another guy that worships the ground I walk on, we're 2 faithful people, he's great and I'm glad I didnt stay in that dreaded relationship..My mother always told me that if a man hurts you (intentionally) Then there will always be more and more hurt..Women these days that have husbands like yourself are being diagnosed with terrible diseases because of all the stress and heartache these men put them through, When I was in my bad relationship I would always get really bad stomach and headaches..If thats you then you need to get out now, I know this is hard, but if I can do it then you can too, you're marriage is doomed anyway..Find a man that will love you and only you, someone thats man enough to be faithful..And just remember, YOU caught him cheating; if you would've never caught him it still would be a secret, he's not sorry for hurting you, he's sorry he got caught..And he could still be cheating..

Thats not fair for your man to tell you to "get over it" He cheated, thats like him slicing your skin wide open with a knife then telling you to "get rid of the scar" it's impossible..Physical scars never go away,neither do emotional ones

Your man is into mind games he is flipping the script on you..I hope there are no kids involved because you two need to separate. Let him be with the trash he's fooling around with so you can be with a better man and he can do the things he did to you to her..Let him continue his vicious cycle until he gets old and realizes he had the perfect woman..


When you play you pay

Answer 3

It is not wrong to keep bringing it up.

You need to continue to talk to him about how this affects you, in every way. Sure, for now he may just want to forget about it. But that is because he feels bad, and/or has not been able to address that within himself yet.

He is likely avoiding his feelings of guilt and seeing the effect it has on you. That's why he'd rather not deal with the problem. But you need to let him know that it will not go away, but only get worse. And if he is unwilling to work through your pain with you, then your marriage will not work out.

You don't 'need' to forgive him, but you do need to get to a place where you can feel the minimum saftey needed otherwise this will only get worse. A marriage cannot survive in that state for long, so you both need to be constantly working on it if there is going to be any hope.

The pain will never go away, but will be less obvious with time if you repair your marriage and work hard together. You both need to decide if you are willing to do that.

Right now, though, he might not be able to see what that really means and requires of him.
Though you were the one wronged, strangely, he is surely having his own issues as well right now. You have to work with him too, because you have to remember that it takes two. You may not yet be aware of what caused him to behave this way, but you surely had some role in that- just as it would be if it were the other way around.

Answer 4

What you husband needs to understand is that it takes time to get past a betrayal like this. It can't be rushed. There's no timeline, and it won't be easy. The first step you both need to take is to see a marriage counselor. Second, both of you need to stop talking about the cheating. I know it sounds nuts, but basically, what you're doing is picking at a scab that forming over the wound. If you keep picking at it, you'll only delay the healing of the wound. That's what you're doing; delaying the healing of your marriage. Stop bringing it up and let God and time heal your marriage if that's what you want. Many blessings.

Answer 5

Would he except, " I,m sorry and get on with life " if you were the one that cheated on him? I doubt it. He's a guy that wants to be able to have his cake and eat it to. Naturally he is now accusing you of cheating on the Internet, guys like him try to change things around and make you out to be the bad one. Honey, after awhile, "sorry" isn't good enough because he's not sorry or he would not continue hurtful things.
Kick him to the curb and get him out of your life, you deserve better. No one should stay in a marriage where no respect is shown for them. When you love someone, you don't hurt them.
PS 8 years are not your whole life, your still young, the tragedy would be to waste another 8 years on him. If your willing to be used he will use you. Stand up and be counted, don't let him drag you down.

Answer 6

Sounds like he doesn't love nor respect you.
And if you keep putting up with it he will keep doing it.
It also sounds like he is accusing you to take the heat off of him.
I would either seek marriage counseling or get a divorce.
Don't you know that you deserve someone that will love and respect you?
If he won't go to counseling, go yourself.
There is someone out there that will give you the love you need but the longer you stay in this wasted relationship the longer the pain and the longer it takes to find the one for you.

Answer 7

I have been married for 11 years to a man who cheated on me (We are now separated) It is the most horrible pain you will suffer. The only way I could deal with it was to remember that men can have sex with anyone but I really feel they love deeply but some just can't be faithful. I doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. It sucks but it happens, either accept it or get out of it.

Answer 8

Your idea about having him read this is an excellent one!
When I was engaged to my first wife, she cheated on me. As soon as I got on with my life she wanted to come back. So, I forgave her and took her back. Then, after 5 years we had a baby girl which I thought was the greatest thing. 2 years later my wife left me for our babysitter's son! She divorced me. Once again after 2 years I got my life back on track and she wanted to get back together. I just laughed. We're both church goers and she told me that the Bible says to forgive. I said "It says I must forgive you, but it doesn't say I have to trust you!" I declined her offer to get back together. She married the guy she left me for and after 1 year he divorced her! She married some other guy which makes husband #3 before she turned 35! These people (like your husband) have a pattern that just won't quit. I suggest you get out of your miserable marriage and find yourself a faithful husband or you may just grow old and die without ever having experienced the joy that marriage is meant to be. You don't desrve to be treated with such disrespect!

I am happy to say that I am s-o-o-o-o grateful that God had other plans for me. After 6 years I remarried and I now know what it's like to have a faithful and loving wife who would do anything to protect our marriage! Our love is mutual and everyone knows how we feel about each other. Perhaps your unfaithful husband will do you the favor of a lifetime and leave you! It's very painful to go through but well worth it when you find the right person. Life is too short for you to waste battling your husband's disrespect for you. Faithful people deserve faithful partners. I've never met your husband and I hate him already. I work with people like him and they make me sick. He's immature and self absorbed. Get rid of him NOW! You'll thank me later!

Answer 9

Yes, I've been cheated on. And yes, the pain is still there. Although it happened a year ago, I can say that is has very little impact on why we are going after a separation/divorce now.

Answer 10

while you may be able to forgive, you will never forget. that is human nature.
i think you need to go for counselling. see someone who doesn't know either of you therefore has no bias. if he won't go, you go. you need to sort out your feelings about the situation.
if he has any respect for you, or for himself, he should reconsider his actions. if he doesn't then you need to decide if you can continue in a relationship when he is still pulling the same sort of crap! your well being takes precedence over your comittment to a man who obviously isn't taking his comittment seriously.
as for feeling ashamed of yourself, don't you dare! what have you done to feel ashamed over? nothing by the sound of it.
good luck to you.......i'm really sorry you have to go through this but stay strong! remember stay true to yourself first and foremost.