My former friend began cutting herself a few years ago back when we hung out. It freaked me out so much that I gradually stopped being friends with her. I understand reasons why people cut themselves now, and feel stupid for not seeing it earlier and being a true friend and helping her. She goes to counseling and seems to be doing ok-ish, but I feel guilty for "abandoning" her, even though I don't feel like I will ever be buddies with her. She was never really nice to me anyway (bossy, secretive) so am I better off just going on my way and leaving the matter to older, resposible adults?
2007-02-23 16:15:41 · 16 answers · asked by funkyclarinette 2 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
I did notice the scars and asked her about them. of course she lied about it, and that didn't help me feel better. I guess I need to move on. It's been a year (I'm 14 now). I know she has seen counselors and stuff, and does the "red marker trick", so I guess she may get better. I feel like I'm depressing myself over it.
2007-02-23 16:31:26 · update #1
I think what you did was fine. We should care about others, but not beyond ourselves or our ability to handle things. And, much as it hurts, maybe it's best for your friend to realize that she's not going to get attention by suicide gestures or doing anything stupid like she's doing. But yes, leaving it to adults is definiely OK and probably even the best option.
2007-02-23 16:29:55 · answer #1 · answered by Laurel W 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
From what I perceive, the problem lies with you and how you feel you managed this situation. Your reaction to your friend's problem is normal but you should evaluate what you wish to do now that you are a much more mature person. You could seek closure and let your friend know about your feelings and actions or leave well enough alone. If you feel secure in your feelings and come from a place of concern and genuine caring for your friend then I recommend that you be honest and have a deep conversation with your friend. On the other hand if you do not have much interest in the relationship then you should just leave things be. I hope that this advice helps you out and remember that as long as you're true to your feelings you will never be a bad person.
2007-02-24 00:50:07 · answer #2 · answered by Cesar S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Her behavior then is probably much different than now. It doesn't make you a bad person for not being able to handle her problems. We all have our limits and watching someone harm themselves, even superficially, can be extremely taxing. You did what you felt you had to do for yourself given the situation.
You don't have to be friends with her forever. People sometimes feel that way, but you can make a big impact by sending her a card or you may have already done your job since she is in therapy. Maybe that was your purpose. Sometimes starting over with new friend or no friends can spark a person into change. You could have been that spark, so don't think of it as abandoment really.
A small card or funny postcard will let her know you think of her, but you're not committed to phone calls etc.
If you really want to put this behind you and you can't by moving on without explaining why you stopped hanging out with her, write that in a letter and tell her you hope she is doing really well and has found new things to do, even though you've both grown out of the relationship.
It is hard to feel like you abandoned a person who was suffering, but remember you have to take care of yourself. Her behavior was distrubing to you. You need not explain unless you want to nor do you need to feel guilty or bad about taking care of your own mental health first.
This one you just have to go with your gut reaction. You'll make the right choice for you because you cannot be helpful to her as a friend if your heart is not into it. That is OK!
Good luck and trust your feelings on this one. You will make the right decision eventually.
2007-02-24 00:45:04 · answer #3 · answered by Christine L W 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well yes and no, although i understand u were scared and didnt understand why she did this and thats ok. the world is full of people who dont take time to get to know these issues. But, you say she ws mean to then but how about now. maybe she was mean because she was cuttung and in pain. She may be getting betetr now and actually be herself and heself may be a good friend and not the person u saw. talk with and at least say hey im sorry i didnt understand your pain and why you cut and i felt like u were mean to me. Maybe she can explain and at the very least u get closure knowing u aplogized.
2007-02-24 00:21:52 · answer #4 · answered by butter_fly05478 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, Not a bad person.
Giving her too much attention could be just as detrimental as giving her none. Sometimes being honest with another person is the finest gift of ourselves we can give, and your pulling away was an honest act. It is easy to become an enabler to such persons, and it is not good to let them manipulate you with such a senseless act. Show your best side, and your example will help her immensely. She can change any time she wants to.
2007-02-24 00:24:49 · answer #5 · answered by onebeeswax 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
she was puttign up a front and in an indirect way, wanted someone to see through it , everyone needs a friend once in a while but whats doen is done. Try looking towards what is happening now and int he near future not lookign back at what u can;t change
2007-02-24 00:22:05 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since this really seems to be bothering you, I think you need to resolve it somehow. You could talk to her next time you see her at school, maybe just say hello and ask how she;s doing. You don't have to befriend her again, just speak to her. If not, you have to let it go and know that what she does isn't your fault. She is obviously depressed and in pain and that cannot be your responsibility. I think it's good that you think of her. That's why I think it may be helpful to you to talk to her.
2007-02-24 00:37:14 · answer #7 · answered by vanhammer 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well she was only bossy and secretive for the same reasons she was cutting unless for the attentionbut this doesnt seem like one of those cases. u could be there to support her now and apologizxe for not having been there sooner and pray for happily ever after, or let urself do wut u wanna do and detach urself from her no ur not a bad person u just werent able to handle the situation and u cracked maybe weak, not bad.
2007-02-24 00:20:14 · answer #8 · answered by xXBrudu BXx 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no it doesnt. you were scared for her and by her, and it was your automatic self defense that came when you saw that she cuts. You might want to hint to an adult that your friend is in trouble. If she finds out that you spilled the beans, she may be mad at you to begin with, but she will thank you in the long run. You were just looking out for her.
2007-02-24 00:25:56 · answer #9 · answered by maeve 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no definitely not.
if you knew before it would not have been nice to just abandon her.
but because your understanding of the affliction came afterwards you have no reason atall to feel guilty.
she was not nice ti you before but this attributable to the anguish she was experiencing,and probably not deliberate nastiness towards you.
she was angry at the world and consumed by self loathing.
i hope she is getting the help she needs.
2007-02-24 00:28:41 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋