I feel like I have very little respect for my boyfriend's father, seeing as he: is a chronic marijuana user, used to make/deal crack when my boyfriend was a little boy, has made little effort to try and get to know me (even when I have tried very hard to create a relationship), is a heavy smoker who won't respect that I am allergic to tobacco smoke (in MY home!), and was a deadbeat dad to his first child who he has absolutely no relationship with. My dad is an oncologist (cancer doctor), who taught me to believe that any drug abuse is unacceptable, so I really have very little respect for his dad. We are getting married in a year and a half, but I'm starting to worry that my feelings towards his dad will be troublesome in our marriage. I have explained to my boyfriend that I am worried, but he refuses to see a problem with anything I have mentioned. Any advice would be helpful!
2007-02-23 15:14:17 · 31 answers · asked by jennifer_lwt 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Not at all, love is between two people, and as long as he himself supports you go for it.
2007-02-23 15:16:57 · answer #1 · answered by Miss Interpreted 6 · 2⤊ 2⤋
Oh boy. That's a tough one. How is your boyfriend's relationship with his father? Do you see him very often? Does he live near you? Because if you're only going to see the man twice a year on holidays when you fly there or he flies here, then maybe it won't be such a big deal. You can compromise a bit, right?
What does your boyfriend say when you voice your concerns? Does he think you're being overly judgmental or harsh? You definitely need to have very open communications about this subject because it does have the potential to come between you.
And yes, your feelings toward his dad WILL be troublesome in your marriage, especially if you feel one way and your (future) husband refuses to even acknowledge your concerns. What about when you have children? Surely you are going to want to keep them away from the smoking grandfather. That's a hazard I'm sure you're not willing to compromise on.
Have you tried talking to your boyfriend's dad yourself? That's the least comfortable option, but it's quite possible that if you have a good conversation with him that it will shed some light on the situation and maybe (maybe/!?!) you'll make progress. Plus, maybe your boyfriend just doesn't want to get in the middle and is not doing anything because HE doesn't know what to do. Maybe step in there and take charge of the situation yourself?
Good luck! Tough situation!
2007-02-23 23:22:30 · answer #2 · answered by Amy K 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why would you question marrying the man you love because of how his father lives? You are marrying the man you love, NOT his father and when he comes to visit, tell him there are rules in YOUR home and smoking is NOT allowed inside your home and if he wants to smoke, he will have to step outside. Make an effort to accommodate him, so he feels still welcome, make a little area that he can go to smoke outside and that will also show him that you are trying to make things better between you two. Your fiance's father won't be troublesome as long as YOU don't make a big issue of it. You may not like the way he lives his life but that's not your call to make, as long as he is good to your fiance, then try to get along with him and as far as his making little effort to get to know you, it's probably because you intimidate him by your education and lifestyle that he's never had or known. He'll come around, if you give him the chance and the time.
2007-02-23 23:37:00 · answer #3 · answered by robotchic 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would highly suggest that you decide whether you can deal with this issue, prior to marriage. His Dad is his Dad, no matter what past he has, or what mistakes he's made, your boyfriend loves him, and he loves his son. The key word is he "used" to....It takes some sort of self discipline to stop the use of drugs, and this should be considered a plus. It isn't fair to make your boyfriend feel like he has to choose between you and his family...ultimately you will be the one hurt. You will have to learn to accept his Dad for who he is, you have your values, and he has his. As for smoking in your home, that is something you have to come right out and tell him. Just tell him, "I don't want to offend you, but I'm allergic to smoke, if you could just go out in the garage, or outside, it would really help me. I'm sure his Dad will understand. I hope that you don't have blinders on, and expect everyone to see things as you see them, if you do, the marriage is doomed to fail without having anything to do with his Dad.
2007-02-23 23:26:42 · answer #4 · answered by sassy_395 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How close is he to his family (more specifically his dad)??
If you are 100% certain that you are in love with your fiance, I would marry him anyway. Afterall, you are marrying him not his dad and why should the two of you suffer because of his dad's mistakes? True love is hard to find and when you do find it you need to hold on tight to it. However, I would explain to your boyfriend that there has to be some ground rules at your house and everyone (including his dad) must follow them. That is simply a respect issue, you dont have a say over what people do with their lives, but you DO have a say in what they do in your house.
2007-02-23 23:25:37 · answer #5 · answered by rycky12212 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How close is your boyfriend to his father? Will you be seeing a lot of him? If not, then you shouldn't base your love on your boyfriend on his father.
They say an acorn doesn't fall far from its tree, but I've noticed most guys want to be the opposite their fathers were, or better than them. Find out what your boyfriend thinks/feels about his father- is there any chance he will be like him?
And your father is right- any abuse is wrong, but do you assume its abuse or is it just recreational marijuana use? Alcohol makes most men agressive while MJ makes them sleepy, dopey and silly- which would you prefer?
If you are worrying so much about your bf's parents, maybe you are trying to find an excuse to leave your bf. Maybe you should really sit down and work out if you do love him like you say you do.
2007-02-23 23:23:20 · answer #6 · answered by canguroargentino 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should not let your feelings for your boyfriends family affect the tqo of you getting married. You are marrying him and not his dad. You should just talk to your boyfriend about his dad not respecting you in your home. You dont have to live with him just learn to tolerate him at family gatherings. He shouldnt even be a factor in how you and your boyfriend lives are planned out. As long as he does not have the same bad habits as his dad you have nothing to worry about. I hope you go ahead with your marriage and ignore this ignorant man. It is obivious he doesnt care about anyone but himself.
2007-02-23 23:26:14 · answer #7 · answered by <<SEXY MOMMA>> 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is not enough that you plan to marry your boyfriend, not his family. It seems clear that your boyfriend intends to maintain a close relationship with his family, so it will be impossible for you to avoid them. No doubt they will be a continual source of conflict if you marry.
Only if you plan to live far from this man's family do I recommend you go ahead with the marriage. You could probably put up with them for a week or so during the holidays, but if you live close to one another it will be a problem.
I know this is not very encouraging, but I think you should hold off on marriage.
2007-02-23 23:21:53 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes i can see it being a problem just by how you feel towards your future husbands father. okay you dont have to love the man but if your going in this marriage with this much distaste for the man this will cause problems down the road with your future hubby after all its his dad and he loves him. Maybe you can try and see it from another side. you were brought up most likely differently i won' t say better because that would be offending your husband side. But perhaps they didnt' have the same kind of knowledge and education as perhaps your parents had. and although i agree with you all this drugs and stuff is bad and he didn't sound like a great role model it is stil after all part of your future husband family and you love your fiance so you will want to try to make this work cause if you don't your future husband will be in the middle of trying to please you and trying to please his family and holidays will be disaster and don't forget you may want to have a family with this man and you know they will be the grand parents and you want to be civalized. You dont have to love them nor do you have to think like they do or have your children grow up like they had. But if you go in with this mind set you have now about his family it will only get worse. it will be like your all mighty and higher up than them . they won't like this and they will see this right away in you.
If they treat you with respect you give them the same back. if someone is rude to you try to handle it yourself without bothering hubby and if that doesn' work tell your hubby and if doesn't have a talk with them to stop this problem then yoou will have a problem with him also . i hope he stands up for you. and i hope you are strong to take care of yourself and handle the situation right without upsetting your husband in the future or family.
YOu may havea to take the bull by the horns yourself. but if you can peace is the best way that way both family's can sit down for cival talk during the holidays.
2007-02-24 04:47:18 · answer #9 · answered by For ever in my Heart 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just tell your boyfriend how you feel. If you explain yourself you can then feel free to cut out his dad. If his dad doesn't try to form a relationship with you there's no reason you should form one with him. If your boyfriend goes to visit his dad just don't go. Your boyfriend can see his dad if he wants without you needing to be part of it. If you really want to marry this guy you shouldn't let that get in the way.
2007-02-23 23:18:48 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
some will say no
But I would say that you better find a way to work throw your felling because children will be involve in the future he might have been a horrid father but a great grand parent
I am sure your father is not that perfect not saying that you should like the father in law it is just a fact that no one is perfect
I dislike my X family too and to this day it does effect us
so now I am trying to accept people as they are if you can not abey by my rule (like no smoking in house you will not be invited again)
make a deal with your h to be to talk to his father about not smocking in your home
GOOD LUCK
2007-02-23 23:46:45 · answer #11 · answered by waiting for baby 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋