My children's father is not approprate with them... he insults them and me.... he misses visits... etc ADVISE?

Question

They are 12 & 13 yr old girls.

He was MIA for many yrs, then about 4 yrs ago he decided to get involved. (Well, not MIA exactly... he knew where we were & I knew where he was... he just wasnt interested... we were only about 8 miles apart.)

The younger child NEVER bonded with him. The older one did. They saw each other a few hours every other weekend. Then, last year, he went MIA again...

This Christmas I put both girls in contact with his mom (who he lives with) b/c his dad is dying and I didnt think it should be HIS choice to deny the girls &his parents these last few mos.

Now he continually harasses them through nasty text messages on their cells. (No we cant block)

Current court order that says
~visitation is at the discretion of my girls & their counselor
~he must participate in counseling & pay for it (he doesnt)

He has 2 more children that are younger than mine. He treats them the same way.

How do I keep my girls from internalizing his behavior?

Answer 1

Honey, as much as I hate to say this, they've already internalized it. They see him for what he is and although it pangs them, they are dying for his attention wether it be good or bad. His MIA is what they've come to know as the "norm". That's the part that scares me...because the majority of the time, they will go out and find a guy exactly like this and the cycle continues. The good thing about this, is that you've been the bigger person. Not only were you right to get them into counseling to salvage whatever self esteem you can in them, but you've taken it a step further and got his mother involved. I know it's not what you want for your girls, but your strength is what they see, and although they may not acknowledge it now, when they are grown....they will. So keep your head up and your girls a priority...they know more than you think honey. Becoming bitter and angry over this isn't going to solve anything. If you need to vent, vent to us....but don't let the girls see you doing it. For them, you need to remain their center of gravity. And as they get older, trust me on this one, they will start voicing their opinions on what he says to them....kids all go through the teenage years....then, maybe he'll wake up. If they start asking you questions...simply explain that is why he will never be able to keep a wife....real men don't treat women this way.

God Bless

Answer 2

I'd do the following things if this had happened to me:

1) I'd make a print=out of all the nasty text messages the girls' father had sent, then I'd cancel my daughter's cell phone plans or else contact the cell phone company and have them bar the dad's phone number=do not receive his calls again.

2)contact the girls' counselor immediately and demand that he not be allowed to contact them. I'd also show the counselor the nasty text messages the girls have received.

3)If the counselor thing fails to get the visitations stopped, I'd take him back to court. I'd show the judge the nasty text messages that their father had sent to them.

4) I'd talk to the other children's mother as well, advising her of his sorry behavior. You may be saving more than just your own daughters' lives.

Answer 3

As a mother - it breaks my heart. As the wife of a Corrections Officer, I understand why. To start off with, we are talking about two different states - it could be across the border and the red tape and cost involved is astronomical. You would need two to three different federal correction officers from each state who would be working overtime, you would need to be able to pay for food and secure housing of the prisoner before, during, and after transport. You would need special permission for the prisoner to even go to the hospital (our local hospital only allows one prisoner in their hospital at any one time, if someone else gets hurt or sick, they have to travel an hour and a half to another hospital, even though there is one 30 minutes away - but it's across the border) Finally, this particular prisoner may be a problem within the facility, and the decision may be based on his record within the facility itself. There's always the rest of the story...

Answer 4

take him back to court and let the judge court order parenting classes for him not only would this help your childeren but it would also help the other two childeren as well . if it is court ordered he has to go or he will go to jail ,, your girls counselors can also help get this process started by talking to the judge also let the counselor know there are 2 smaller childeren involved and save those text messages to show judge, and counseler

Answer 5

Get new cell phones and dont let him get the number. There is nothing you can do to stop them from internalzing this and they probably already have - get them in counseling or have them talk to the social worker at school if cost is an issue to minimize the damage I am sure he has already caused!

Answer 6

You need to go get a restraining order on him for all 3 of you. Show the text messages he is sending. Then you need to go to a lawyer and let him know what is going on. You need to try to get it so that he can not see his kids. they don't need that in there lives. You also need to change the cell phone numbers. DON'T give him the new ones.

Answer 7

It is clear that he never wanted children in the first place, sweetie. Take him to court and nail him for child support, then make sure he can never see them again.

Answer 8

Current court order that says
~visitation is at the discretion of my girls & their counselor

Theres your anwser!

Answer 9

if your children feel the same way you do then, as you said, they should consult their counselor and have his visitation rights cut off. if they don't see it, take their phone and prove to the courts that he is verbally abusing them.

Answer 10

This is a tough question.
Whenever you see them displaying the negative behavior you should correct them and tell them why they are wrong.