Swinging hurt marriage?

Question

We have tried swinging and threesomes, for 1.5 years. My wife and I had a heart to heart, and it ends up it destroyed her self esteem and now doubts my love for her. I never knew until last week when we talked. There were times she planned the events. I Love her dearly, and if I knew this, would have stopped instantly. i do not wantto loose her. Any advice?

I do love her dearly. She is my life. I really do appreciate the advice, good and bad. I never wanted to hurt her, and ended up doing just that.

Like i said, I love her more than anything in my world. Her talking of leaving me had crushed me. I want to show her how specail she is, and how I do love her. She said she will try, and after a few months, see where we are at. I know how much I love her, but keep screwing up lately due to me being so crushed. She is however, willing to stick it out for a few months and see where we are at. Is it too late?

One more thing. We both have been under alot of finiancial pressure lately, she had a tooth removed after root canal, had a job crises, vehicle problem, and she had a major crises with my mother (was mothers fault). Its been alot to deal with.

Answer 1

Yes I have advice....stop with the threesomes! Honey, she was only doing them to appease you...even if she planned them, she planned them because she thought it is what it took to make you happy. I can see why she'd be insecure...think about this logically. her idea of intimacy involves you and you alone. Your idea of intimacy involves other people. What does that tell her about your feelings for her? That she was good enough to marry, but not good enough to satisfy you on her own? That's a big burden to carry around with you.

I'll give you credit for acknowledging that you love her dearly and had you have known, you would have quit, but honey...if you truly loved her, the way you claim...you'd pay attention to her...you'd talk to her, know her and know that this was something she wasn't doing for herself.

The good thing, is that you can fix this. Put the swinging lifestyle behind you and focus on each other's needs first.

I wish you many years of marriage hon...and after all she's been through...keep in mind, you could have done alot worse. She let you live out every man's fantasy....not many women I know would dare to cross that line. Can you imagine what else she'd do for you? Now...think about what you can do for her and you are going to be just fine.

Answer 2

Kinky can be dangerous to a relationship. If you stop swinging and tell her what you told us ( I Love her dearly, and if I knew this, would have stopped instantly. i do not wantto loose her ) I think you have a good chance of saving your relationship. Don't make jokes about it or anything or talk about swinging friends - and for the next few weeks, do some extra considerate things for her. I am not talking about anything sexual - bring her flowers, make dinner and lavish loving attention on her - maybe go on vacation, just the 2 of you. She will realize that you didn't know how she felt and she will see how important she is to you. I mean, these decisions aren't usually made by one partner and you had no way of knowing until she told you. Now that she has, you can address it.

Peace!

Answer 3

And your surprised by this. Honestly, my husband tried to convince me of doing this and the first thought I had was I was just not good enough for him. I refused but for him to even ask was enough to wonder if he ever truly loved me.
Talk to her and tell her that if she would have told you from the start you would have never gone through with it (you are a man and really can't read minds). Let her know that you love her and would do anything for her and you made a mistake. Ask for forgiveness and see what she needs from you, to get back her self esteem. Stop the swinging and make her feel that she is the only person you want to be with.

Answer 4

Keep talking, keep having the heart to heart talks. I tend to disbelieve that she would go from doing all this for 1.5 years, even planning some of the events, to now doubting your love and having her self esteem destroyed. Unless the two of you NEVER talked about your feelings the whole time, wouldn't there have been clues? Be patient with her, be loving, be kind, show her in different ways that SHE is the one special person you want above any and all others, that SHE fulfills you emotionally and sexually, and no sexual experience would ever be worth risking your marriage. And keep telling her and showing her. Perhaps instead she is feeling guilty or having moral qualms about it, and that's why she's lacking self esteem....self esteem comes from one's self, so in truth only she can repair it completely...but you can help....

Answer 5

couples have to come up with better ways to maintain their relationships. i know you've heard the saying "two's company, threes a crowd!" bringing someone else into your personal lives is never the answer. trust and communication are the only major factors to keep a relationship alive. if you dont have that you have nothing and when nothing is left it's time to let go. however i do believe you should try once again in a different way to rekindle the love you once had for one another. if you really love this woman as dearly as you say. dont let her go. make her feel like she's beautiful. make her feel respected. no more swinging.....it may add more pleasure but brings on more problems!

Answer 6

Yes i can see how this has definitley hurt you and your marriage and i am very sad for you. This is why people should never swing in their marriages like that. This is usually the outcome. People dont think though as they want the pleasure at the moment BUT they dont think about the consequences and bad times that can come from it. I feel you both need marriage counseling and help for this or you will lose the marriage. Is she wanting to stop the swinging with other couples or is it just you? Also go to http://www.drphil.com and email him for help and advice in this situation as well.

Answer 7

Swinging didn't hurt your marriage, lack of communication did. If your wife had spoken to you as soon as she started feeling bothered by the situation, then y'all could've gone back to being a monogamous couple and probably have averted this issue.

Hopefully some time can help repair her self esteem and her trust in your love. She needs to realize swinging isn't about emotional love, but physical fun. There's no need to doubt your love, unless she heard you expressing feelings for someone else.

I hope y'all get over this hurdle. The lifestyle isn't for everyone...and your wife is one of the ones that needs monogamy to feel safe and loved. Give that to her.

Answer 8

She probably only went along with it all to please you. If you want to save your marriage then you need to stop the threesomes and the swinging. You need to help re-build your wife's self esteem by whatever means it takes. If you aren't willing to put in the time and effort then your marriage is destined to fail.

Answer 9

You wanted to phuck around so you got your wife involved with it by "swinging". Now you CLAIM that you love her with all your heart...so tell me...what happened to that love when you decided to break your marriage vows and asked HER to do it as well? If you wanted to phuck around why didn't you just divorce her, that would have been the much kinder and more loving thing to do. Yeah right you love her "dearly"...

Answer 10

Maybe she just did swinging for you. If it hurt her feeling there is really nothing you can do but let time handle it. Make sure that your actions speak louder than your words and do something that she may want you to do no matter how freaky it is.