I'm a gay teenager and am not sure when to come out?

Question

I'm 17 and am in my last year in school before going to University in September. I've always known I was gay ever since I was a kid - I've never been interested in girls. My friends in school are all girls, although I do get on well with some of the lads. I've told my mum about my sexuality and she's OK about it but my dad is more likely to overact, he's the heavy labor type of worker and likes to drink in bars. I've got an older brother and an older sister and I have a feeling that my sister may already know. I also think my best friend in school may already know - she's occasionally asked me about crushes. I've always had to say nothing in response.
I'm at that point where I've almost come of age and am really wanting to know when would be the right time for me to come out of the closet. I'm a bit unsure about doing it now because there aren't any openly gay students at school - although I'm sure there are at least 3 others who are.

Answer 1

"Coming out" is not a singular event, but an ongoing process. Gay and lesbian individuals often find themselves having to come out many times (i.e., whenever they switch schools or jobs, move, etc.) throughout their lives.

You've already come out once, and it sounds like it went reasonably well. Is your mum just "OK" about it, or is she more supportive of your struggle? Having a secure base (in this case, a relationship) often makes the prospect of sharing your identity with a wider audience feel considerably safer.

The truth? Only you can decide when is the "right time." Myself, I often wish I had come out sooner.

Many young people come out shortly after graduating from high school, not only because the ritual is symbolic in many ways of assuming a mantle of adulthood, but for the more practical reason that they'll no longer need worry about being harrassed in hallways or locker rooms by small-minded peers.

But college is awesome. You'll have a lot more control over your surroundings, and a lot more gay people will have found their footing by that point to be more open about who they are.

Answer 2

I had a similar experience to what you've described. I'm 23 now, but all through high school, knew I was unlike the other kids... My graduating class was all of 32 children so we all knew each other pretty well - except I grew up in a place where homosexuality was frowned upon in such a way that I was forced to hold back on my inner feeling until I moved away for college.

After 4 years of school, I felt it was time to tell the parents first. Friends had already figured out at this point, but in college, there's a large barrier between friends and parents - unlike high school - so I was assured the 'rents weren't gonna find out from someone else.

My father flipped his lid when I told him... and basically now considers June 14th, "the day his life changed forever." I really don't give a **** about how it is gonna change his life. He expected that reaction would make me "flip a switch" and make me straight!?! Ah well. I could go on for days about all he told me that day.

The moms ALWAYS have at least a little inclination about their children. Mine knew, my boyfriends mom knew, lots of my friends mothers knew too. But back to the question...

Sounds like you need to wait a bit before you take the step. The friends you keep from high school are the ones you'll know for life. They are the ones that will not care either way if you're gay. Future friends will also come and go... most of mine are absolutely fine with it now. We all go out to bars and clubs and I even have lunch with my boyfriends ex-girlfriend! He tried to be straight, but it ended up hurting more, having something missing.

Some speak of relationships being strained when one person is out and the other is not. If the other person is willing to wait until the other is ready, then you know you're with the right person. All-in-all you'll know when it's time. Just be yourself, go to college and live a little.

Answer 3

I don't think I'm anywhere close to coming out...I'm just now coming to terms with it at all, so I don't know if I'll give good advice. I think you might want to settle down a little bit first. Age doesn't have anything to do with when you should come out, it's more about where you are in life. When you start University, you'll meet new people. That might be a good chance to ease your way into it. It doesn't have to be a big production, just something that you gradually let people know. When you start making new friends, just don't keep it a secret. Before you know it, you'll have a big support system built up and you might even find a boy to get serious about. Congrats on telling your mom, I'm glad she took it well. When you get to the point where you know you have friends that will support you, I think it'll be easier to let the people you've known for a long time (family and old friends) know.

I hope that helps a little bit. I probably should keep my mouth shut since I have no experience with this:p Good luck with everything.

Answer 4

Well since your a teenager i suggest that you not come out of the closet at least for now. Society today is getting cold and mean and teenagers are also getting cruel. So i think that if you come out of the closet then you will face alot of critisism in your school. I read an article on this once that talked about how kids could be extremely violent to those who are gay, lesbian etc. So i prefer you would come out the closet when you becaome an adult but if you really think that its time for you to come out then follow your heart and remeber " you are beautiful no matter what people say, cause words cant bring you down"

Answer 5

We can't answer that question for you, and be ready for some abuse here. People aren't always tolerant, unfortunately. Only you can make the decision when it's the right time. My brother in laws brother just came out around Christmas time and his family still loves him very much. He is probably in his mid 20's. If you think your sister already knows, they she probably does. I personally wouldn't care one way or the other and I would hope that your dad and brother would feel the same. It's also quite possible that they know, and so does a lot of the school. I think, though, you should wait till you are in college. People are more accepting there.

Listen, good luck with it. I hope it all goes well for you.

Answer 6

Man you shouldn't feel so worried about this. However someone made the good point that you shouldn't come out unless you are absolutely sure and that it won't cause you too much stress etc. Who said you had to come out anyways? It isn't as if we decide when we're straight that we're going to have a huge party to announce we're straight woohoo party lmao. But that's besides the point. I have a few gays mates and i knew one of them was gay before they said anything and the other guy has only told me but it's usually best to tell a m8 if your struggling with coming out completely. Some people don't even come out until they are way older than you. Maybe telling dad would be a bit much for now but you will know what to do man. Just be happy with yourself;) x

Answer 7

This will sound stupid, and I'm going to get thumbs down, I'm sure, but it will come naturally. There will be a moment where it feels right, and you just do it. That's how it's happened for me anyway.

One day, I thought.. Wow, my friend Kristine really wouldn't care if I were gay or not. And as soon as I realised that, I picked up the phone, and I called her, and I told her. I don't really know why, I just did.

Another day, I called my aunt and told her for the same reason, and its happened with other people ever since.

Whatever you do, just be careful and tell people that may react in a mean way around someone who already knows.

Answer 8

Hey,

I'm 19 and a lesbian. And I'm still not out to my parents but all my friends and half my town know im gay. I think its just all about time, take it slow. My parents are both homophobics, as I've had many arguments before about sexuality. But at the end of the day...you can't change who you are...people have to accept it. I was one of the main people in school to come out...after that, 5 other people in the whole year started to come out. It's a matter of time...don't ever rush things.
x

Answer 9

Whenever you're comfortable about it. And you don't have to "come out" to everyone, if at all, just those you trust. When you're at university, you'll meet a lot of openly gay students (and profs), and that may make it all easier for you. There's no rush. I'm old enough to be your grandfather, and I STILL haven't "come out." It's an individual choice. Whatever makes you most comfortable. Hugs.

Answer 10

I don't know if you necessarily need to come out. Not especially if it causes you any undo stress or worry. Be yourself and surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally.

I think you know who those people are that you feel safe with and can confide in.

God does love you, regardless of what other people have written here. What is most important is that you love yourself.

Be well, be happy. You still have a lot of growing up to do and with maturity comes wisdom. You'll find your way and the right time.