How can I be a pimp?

Question

I need some pimpin lessons

Answer 1

Now, listen real closely, because looking like a pimp is the most important step in your journey to pimpdom. People will never know that you're a pimp unless you look like one. You want to look like you're ready to do anything or anyone. Alright now, the first thing that you're gonna need is a pimpin' hairdo. You need a cool hairdo: something that says "Hey, Im a pimp. Would you like to do it doggy style with me?". Personally, I recommend the afro. I used to sport it during my golden years. The perm or corn rows work well too. Sideburns are a necessity. Nothing says pimp like some big sideburns. And, no, mullets and ponytails are NOT acceptable.

After you've got the hairdo down, you need to pick up some big pimpin' threads. Fur coats work best. Its physically impossible to not score when wearing a fur coat. Unless you're Tony Danza. Under the fur coat, put on a disco shirt, some skin-tight flares, and approximately 4.8 pounds of jewelry. Top it all off with some nice leather boots, and you'll be a pimp in no time. But dressing like a pimp isn't all there is to it. Move on to step 2.

After you've got the pimp look down, you need to learn to talk like a pimp. First, the voice. You wanna talk in a low, throaty voice like Isaac Hayes or Barry White. No, a voice like Bob Saget doesn't cut it. Stand in front of the mirror for 15 minutes everyday, practicing your voice.

Alright. So you've got the voice down. Time to learn the 10 sentences you will ever need to know as a pimp. The only things you will ever need to say as a pimp are:

"It is my duty to please that booty."
"Hello, sweet thang."
"*****, you know what I want."
"Where's my money?"
"Let's do it. Doggy Style."
"Who's your daddy?"
"Hi, My name's John and I'm an alcoholic"
"Say what? You're a nun?"
"Word."
"Baby, if you were a booger, I'd pick you first."

Good. Say each one of these ten times each. Then have an ice cream sandwhich to celebrate. You're ready for step 3.


Imagine this: you're cruising downtown in your car, picking your 'fro, checkin' out the ladies, when you realize that you're driving an '82 honda accord. Now, if you want to avoid being humiliated, you got to get a pimp car. The first thing to do is to check what kind of car you're driving. If its a mazda, a honda, or starts with a "T" and ends with an "Oyota", you're in trouble. Scrap it immediately. Trade it for condoms (you'll need them for step 5). Time for you to get a new ride.

First of all, your car has to be made before 1980, and has to be in mint condition. Now there are tons of vintage cars, but some of them just won't cut it. For example: a '64 Chevy Impala has pimp written all over it, but a '71 Vista Cruiser or '20 Ford Model T aren't gonna get you anywhere. Any car that was used in an old cop show will do. Now, to accesorize! Try slapping some pink dice on the rear view mirror, paint some flames on the side, and install hydraulics. After all that, you are welcome to put on your "my little pony" seat covers. Now that you've got your pimpmobile, bump and cruise your way down to step 4.



You have reached the most important part of becoming a pimp. After you complete this step, you can officially be called a pimp. The other 4 steps are just the finishing touches. My man, its time for you to get yourself a hoe.

Now, it is physically impossible to be a pimp without owning a hoe. Owning a hoe is what constitutes being a pimp. They go hand in hand, like puppies and chainsaws. Of course, hoes don't just appear out of nowhere. You've got to go out and find yourself a hoe. And no, Regis Philbin will not suffice.

You've got to know where to look. Lounging around some skanky bar looking for your regular old prostitute isn't going to cut it. You've got to look where you'd least expect it. Like the library. Or the car wash. Or the United States Supreme Court. Keep an eye out for hoe material. Sure signs of a hoe-worthy female are tight pants, low cleavage, and big signs that say "Hi. Would you like to have sex with me?" If you see a nice-looking lady, make sure to approach her and talk to her. She doesn't count as a hoe unless you tell her about it. Start to sweet talk her, maybe buy her a drink, then drop her this line:

"SEX ME WOMAN!"

Works like a charm. Whatever you do though, don't stare incessantly at her boobies. That's for step 5.




A pimp's always gotta look good, even when he's on the dance floor. I know, I know, dancing is for women. I know, I know, men who dance are either pansies or named John Travolta. Big deal. The fact of the matter is, a pimp has to be good and able to outshow anyone at anything they are asked to do. Except bestiality.

Start by getting some dancing shoes. Some nice ones. Preferably leather. Put those babies on and you're ready to dance. I truly recommend practicing at home beforehand. Find yourself a mirror, and pop in some good disco music. Now, dancing is an art. It has to be fluid, beautiful, and sexy. They say that the way a man dances is the way he has sex, so you don't want to be out of rhythm and shaking all over the place. Start by bobbing your head a little, and picking up the beat. Begin to tap your foot to the bass. Start moving your whole body. That's it. Now do something with your arms. Yeah, wave them like that! Start shaking them legs of yours from side to side. Exactly. Hey, don't look now, but you're dancing. Nice work there. Now keep those moves in your head and head out to the closest club. Scan the room, look for fly ladies, then get your *** out there in the mix. Shake your groove thing like you've never shaked it before (riverdancing is not appropriate at this time)! After a lot of practice, you'll be a dancing pimp. Every lady likes a guy who can dance well, so you may want to bring along a 10-foot pole to beat them away. Alright then. You're set. You may proceed now, young grasshopper.



If you're going to be a pimp, you have to learn how to fight. I mean, what else are you going to do when you're attacked by ninjas? Sing the theme song to "Friends"? When the pigs are after ya, and you left your gun in your other pants, you're gonna have to step up and fight 'em. Mano a mano. So I'm gonna teach you how.

Now, my man Bruce Lee (pictured at right) would tell you to get all Kung Fu-ey on their ***. But I have to disagree. There's only one real way to settle a fight like a man. Thumb-wrestling to the death. Yeah, that's right. And if they won't thumb-wrestle you, run. Run like a madman.

It's time for step 7.


Ahh, yes. Chinese food. The food of the Gods. There's lots of different kinds of chinese food. You've got your moo-shoo pork, your sweet-and-sour chicken, and you've even got your shrimp and vegetables. Mmm. That's some mighty good eatin'. Every pimp must eat chinese food. And lots of it.

Ordering chinese food is a fine art. Of course, the only way to do it is by calling up the restaurant for some take-out. Start by picking up the phone. Then dial 7 random numbers. You may want to start on 111-1111, then 111-1112, and so on, until you eventually dial the number of a chinese food place. When they ask for your order, refrain from asking the person on the line whether or not they are wearing underpants. It's just rude. Instead, tell them what kind of food you'd like. Make sure to ask for extra soy sauce. If they also sell concubines, get one of those too. When the nice man or woman or dog in a monkey costume finally shows up, yell at them about how you've been waiting for hours, about how the food is cold, about how they are a communist, and so on. Refuse to tip them. They should've thought about tips before they went red. Sit down, and enjoy your meal. When finished, eat the fortune cookie. Have sex with the concubine. Then congratulate yourself on a job well-done. You're almost a pimp, my man. One more step to go.



It is the moment you have all been waiting for. Yes, my man, you have finally reached the last step in your quest to reach eternal pimpdom. There is but one last thing you have to learn before you go out into the world and show off all of your new pimp skills. Its the most important tool a pimp will ever use. It's time to learn how to make hot sweet monkey love.

First off, you need a woman. A pretty one, preferably. If you don't have a woman, a dog will suffice. Buy her some roses, maybe some chocolates, maybe even some bowling gloves. You know, all the good stuff. Serve some chilled champagne. At this time, it is not okay to grab her boobies. Begin to sweet talk her. Tell her that her dress is very becoming on her (then add that if you were on her, you'd be cumming too). Kiss her. Start to take off her clothes. At this time, it is okay to grab her boobies. Caress her, feel every part of her body.
Good. You've just made love like a pimp. If you're lucky, she'll let do you do it doggy style.

Well, you are now officially a pimp. Congratulations. I permit you to go outside and start pimpin'.

Answer 2

To be a pimp you have to do some things that will make you stand out. Don't follow the crowd.

Answer 3

HAHA yeah Pimp C ought to slap this cat!! Aye guy, Pimpin ain't trouble-free!!! yet yeah right this is a few concepts: consistently shop your pimp hand reliable understand that, Hoe funds is fa sho funds symbolize your self properly, in different words look like funds through fact once you look like funds that's what you entice. under no circumstances positioned a your artwork on a music!! its no longer kosher consistently examine your capture so as to prevail, look at this as a employer Get a multicultural good. Get your artwork looking intense-high quality and smelling intense-high quality, this attracts extra artwork. in case you wanna communicate like a pimp? embody your self with the hungry hustlas, they communicate funds and funds in simple terms. Act like one? get your grown guy on!!! a pimp is yet an interactive hustla, be approximately your funds, this is the way you act like one. enable those chicks comprehend its employer. costume like one? for the checklist, fur coats, animal print and suitable hats are performed out!! Get your grown guy on, get a intense-high quality 2-piece and a pink label (Ralph Lauren) Tie, some Stacy Adams and shop it movin!! stay Groomed and shop your hygiene up! stay like one? Get funds. era. i wish it works out for you!!!!

Answer 4

Buy some pimp juice it always does the trick

Answer 5

Okay you're retarded. No one likes pimps. Stop following the media.

Answer 6

U need the BLING!!!!! and the pimp clothes. I recommend watch Duece Bigalow. you'll be making $10 an hour in no time....lol

Answer 7

step 1- dig a hole
step 2- tie your hands and feet together
step 3- put a thing over your mouth (make sure you ask someone to bury you first)
step 4- jump into the hole
step 5- have yourself covered((with dirt)) ((in case you didnt catch that ))
step 6- inhale DEEPLY
step 7- DONT EXHALE

any questions?

Answer 8

You need a product or something that someone else is willing to pay for.

Answer 9

man u DONT wanna be a pimp, is this a serious question?

Answer 10

I think you can major in that at University of Phoenix online

Answer 11

Just go down to 8 mile road. I am sure you will get some tips. Be sure and carry a gun.